Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution
by sadisticblondlettes
Summary: IT'S THE LAST CHAPTER! 6th year AU, preHBP. Lord Voldie's newest plan transforms our Boy Wonder into...Girl Wonder! Hilarity ensues as Harry discovers the world of gossip, bra shopping, and crushes. Slash HD SD RH Please R
1. EUREKA!

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Summary:** Lord Voldie's newest plan transforms our Boy Wonder pauses for suspense into…Girl Wonder! Hilarity ensues as the sick fantasies of two twisted fan girls come to life (well, not literally of course, because that would, you know, be mongo scary)! Includes shopping, bitchiness, and prancing around in bikinis! Please read and review!

**Disclaimer:** Sadly, we do not own any of these lovely characters…sob yet… :please hold whilst the authors laugh manically:

Chapter 1: EUREKA!

Lord Voldemort sat down in his purple bean bag chair and frowned. He was sipping a glass of piña colada (a Muggle drink he had become rather fond of) and trying desperately to come up with a solution to the Potter problem. The boy had an annoying tendency of defeating him whenever he came up with a particularly brilliant plan. He needed something even better than his previous…how many was it now? (He counted on his fingers) Ah yes…five.

"Lucius!" He called his favourite minion into his study.

Lucius responded immediately. He was a bit surprised that his master was sitting on a purple bean bag chair.

"My Lord…the chair…"

Lord Voldemort appeared a bit flustered. "It's my thinking chair," he said defensively. "Now recite me the prophecy."

(For reasons not divulged in this fic, the Deatheaters had acquired the remainder of the prophecy.)

"_the one with the power to vanquish the dark lord approaches….born to those who thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…and the dark lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the dark lord knowsnot"_

"Stop!" Voldemort said. "What was that last line?"

_But he will have power the Dark Lord knows not…_

Hmmmmm…

But he will have power… 

_But he will have…_

_But he…_

_HE!_

"EUREKA!"

"What was that, my Lord?"

"It means 'I have found it,'" Voldemort said impatiently. "Now send for Severus Snape."

After Lucius had left the room, Voldemort cackled evilly, sipped his piña colada, and did a happy dance.

* * *

" A Sex-Change Potion?" Severus exclaimed. _Maybe he's finally cracked,_ he thought. _After all, he is sitting in a purple bean bag chair._

"It's really very simple, Severus," Voldemort said in a business-like tone, inwardly gleefully giggling at the alliteration…ooh, there it goes again!

"I plan to use it as a new punishment for Deatheaters that double-cross me," he lied smoothly…hehe, alliteration!

_Okay, I will definitely stay on his good side from now on, _Snape thought worriedly.

"Of course I will make the potion, My Lord," Snape said, bowing. "It will be ready in two weeks."

"Ready just in time for the new term," Voldemort murmured to Nagini (in Parseltongue, of course) after Snape Apparated.

"_What will be ready, Voldie?"_

Voldemort smiled at Nagini's use of his favourite pet name (although he would rather castrate himself than admit it to his Deatheaters.)

"_The plan is this, my dear," _Voldie hissed._ "The prophecy clearly states that HE will have power the Dark Lord knows not…so if HE becomes a SHE, then WE have no more problems."_

"_Brilliant plan, Voldie!"_

Both man and snake then proceeded to do a happy dance. Which, we think you will all agree, was an amazing feat for the snake.

* * *

Authors' Notes: **: Crouching Tigerlily: **This was a little…idea that provided many entertaining hours of discussion, please do not kill us, I now pass you onto my colleague.

**: LadyVerse : **Yes, yes, please, no flames! We are completely and utterly open to **_constructive criticism, _**but flaming is mean. (Yes, yes, we know it has no plot and WE DON'T CARE! Muahahahahahahahaha! Ha.)


	2. The calm before the storm

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer: **We don't own them, but we so wish we could borrow them and snuggle with them. (Yes, even Lord Voldie!) **:please hold whilst the authors make references to Moldie Voldie…hehe: **

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* * *

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Chapter 2: The calm before the storm

Harry, Ron and Hermione stood on Platform 9 ¾ with their trunks, saying goodbye to the Weasleys. They were about to get on the Hogwarts Express, along with Ginny, Neville, Seamus, Dean and Luna. Somehow, they had all met up at exactly the same moment and were conveniently heading toward a large compartment that fit them all. Once the train started moving, Seamus and Dean huddled together in a corner, talking intently, and Luna busied herself with looking dreamily out the window at the passing butterflies. Ginny was reading the Quibbler.

Ron, Harry, Hermione, and Neville were playing Exploding Snap. Ron was losing, as he was too busy ranting about the Chudley Cannons. He seemed convinced that they were going to win this year, when the fact remained that they were last in the league. Poor Ron.

Hermione won the game, due to the fact that she was the only one who was not arguing about Quidditch. She felt rather proud of herself and resisted the urge to gloat profusely. Instead, she turned to Seamus and Dean.

"How was your summer, you two?" she asked, in an attempt to pull them from their own private conversation and include them in the group. Seamus broke out into a yelp that resembled that of a small dog.

"What? Summer? Summer was good! Nothing out of the ordinary! And certainly nothing that involved me and Dean!" Dean turned to Seamus and whacked him upside of the head.

"We didn't see each other all summer," he said, his eye twitching. Luna was listening quietly and simply smirked out the window.

"Oh look! It's Potty, Weasel and the mudblood! Aw, and they have their little gang with them." Malfoy had entered their compartment and was sneering at all of them. At eleven, the sneer had been rather amusing, however, at sixteen, it simply made Malfoy's mouth twist into a shape that resembled a tropical fruit.

Harry turned around and smiled at him. " How's your Dad doing in Azkaban, Malfoy?" Harry widened his eyes innocently. To Harry's surprise, Malfoy's grin simply widened.

"I'll have you know, Potter, that my father is no longer in Azkaban. See this evening's paper." Harry's smile slid off his face immediately and every other face in the compartment turned towards Malfoy with a look of horror.

"That's right Potty! And neither are quite a few others. If they did it once last year, why couldn't they do it again?" Crabbe grunted stupidly like the two dimensional character that he is.

"See you at school," Malfoy said in a falsely sweet voice, and swept out of the compartment.

* * *

_Back at Lord Voldie's hideout, with the same bean bag chair. Although it was now pink and fluffy._

Lucius sat in a normal chair which was, thankfully, not pink and fluffy, and was listening intently to his master.

"The plan is this," Voldemort said. "I had Severus Snape mix up a Sex-Change Potion. Crabbe's son will slip it into Potter's goblet first chance he gets."

"I see, My Lord, but…" Lucius wriggled nervously in his seat. "How will this stop Potter?"

"The prophecy says that HE will have power the Dark Lord knows not, so if he's a SHE, then WE have no more trouble from him."

"Of course My Lord! Brilliant plan!" Lucius proclaimed, joining his master in an evil cackle. But on the inside, he fought the urge to roll his eyes. _He's definitely gone nuts, _he thought. _And I thought he would hold out till Potter's seventh year. Damn! I owe McNair 50 Galleons._

Then suddenly, Snape Apparated into the room. He bowed to Lord Voldemort and gave a girly wave to Lucius, who simply rolled his eyes (although he was dying to wave back).

"Just some news on the potion, My Lord," Snape said, taking a seat in a fairly hideous overstuffed chintz chair. _His taste in décor has gone to the dogs,_ Snape thought distastefully.

"So, should you decide to use this on a Deatheater, it would be permanent, unless I can concoct an antidote. It changes the person's body first, but eventually, the person also begins to _think_ like the opposite sex."

Voldemort looked delighted. "So if I gave this to McNair, he would turn bitchy!"

"My Lord, that would be a waste of a potion," Lucius commented sarcastically.

"Wonderful, Severus, wonderful!" Voldemort exclaimed. "I shall send for you again when I need you."

Snape bowed and Disapparated, but not before giving Lucius another girly wave.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** LadyVerse says: Yay! Writing fics is fun! I like to play around with kooky ideas that have no plot. Crouching Tigerlily says: Woohoo! WOOT! I love making the Deatheaters unreasonably camp! Why? Only the little people who live in my brain know. If you would like to write to them, please email them at littlepeopleinCrouchingTigerlilysheadinsanefangirl.harry.

LadyVerse says: I see pixies in MY head. And gay Deatheaters are funny!


	3. The Transformation

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** We don't own them, okay? Would you please stop rubbing it in?

**Author's Notes:** Now comes the really fun part…muahahahaha! Ha. This is mean, we know…poor Harry…but it's so fun!

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Chapter 3: The Transformation

Harry woke on the first morning of term feeling a bit off. He felt a bit…top-heavy. He didn't understand why. And…wait…was his hair _long?_ And silky and wavy? Something was definitely wrong here…

Ron got up and walked over to Harry's bed. "Harry mate, are you up yet—WHOA! Harry, your hair is long!"

"I know that, Ron. Perhaps you can tell me what's going on?"

"And your voice is higher. Harry, you sound like…a _girl_."

_No. nononononononono—_

"Hey Harry!" Seamus had walked over to see what was going on. "Harry, mate, are you cold?" He had a rather predatory grin on his face.

"What are you talking about, Seamus?" Harry sat up, and Ron and Seamus' jaws dropped. "Can you guys please tell me what's going on?" Harry, having gone to bed the night before as a boy, was dressed only in pyjama pants.

Seamus said, "Cor, Harry, did you grow those overnight?"

"Grow what? Ron—"

"Look down, Harry," Ron said. He had a strange mix of horror, awe, and lust on his face. Harry looked down. His screams shook Gryffindor Tower.

Ron now looked completely shocked. "Harry, are you…all there?" He looked down meaningfully. Harry fumbled with his pants and looked. The Boy-Who-Lived promptly fainted dead away.

* * *

When Harry came to, McGonagall was leaning over him, looking shocked. "Potter, do you…feel alright?"

"Professor, I'm not a girl. I'm a boy. A BOY!"

"There, there, Potter, we'll get you to Dumbledore, I'm sure he can sort this out." She handed Harry a dressing gown and sharply told his roommates to turn around. When he was dressed, he followed McGonagall to Dumbledore's office.

"Professor, Potter's here to see you," McGonagall said, and Harry shuffled into the room, looking mortified.

"Harry, whatever is the—MERLIN'S BEARD!"

"It was probably a Sex-Change Potion," McGonagall told Dumbledore, as Harry wailed. "I can't think of anything else that would do this."

Dumbledore stroked his beard in thought. "Evidently Lord Voldemort took the prophecy a bit too literally."

"I always said that man was too fond of the piña colada."

Harry sat numbly as the two professors exchanged theories. He was a girl. A _girl_. Why the bloody hell would anyone do this to him?

"Professors, why the bloody hell would anyone do this to me!"

"Language, Potter!"

"Apparently, Harry, Lord Voldemort thought that if you were a girl, you wouldn't pose a threat."

"WHAT! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!"

"Quite. Now go get dressed and go down to breakfast, Harry, everything will be sorted out."

Harry looked at Dumbledore pleadingly before walking out of the office.

* * *

As Harry walked towards the Great Hall, he heard Dumbledore's magically amplified voice—"Attention, attention." Harry froze. _Oh, no. No, no, no!_ "One of our students has undergone a…transformation, of sorts. It would be appreciated if you would treat this student as you normally would, as he has not undergone this transformation willingly."

Harry silently said a prayer for his dignity as he walked into the Great Hall.

Draco Malfoy sat at the Slytherin table, eating his breakfast. _I wonder who it is, _he thought._ Bet someone accidentally transfigured a first-year into a pig or something…that would be hilarious…_he looked over to the doors as a very pretty girl walked into the Hall. The grey school trousers hung low on her hips, the button-down shirt strained across her chest, and her robes dragged along the floor. She looked very familiar…

He realised it at exactly the same time as everyone else. Everyone in the Great Hall gasped as one, and the grin on Malfoy's face got steadily wider and wider. _Bloody hell…is that POTTER? Oh, this is gold, this is brilliant…_Draco fell to his knees and thanked God for this amazing opportunity to annoy the living hell out ofThe-Boy-Who-Lived.

Meanwhile, Harry sat down between Ron and Hermione and started to bang his head on the table. "I am dead, you guys. I am dead, I am dead, I am dead…"

"Oh, cheer up, Harry," Hermione said. She had been forewarned of his transformation by Ron. "Being a girl's not so bad."

"I'm NOT a girl, Herm! And by the way, I borrowed your shoes."

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Well, none of mine fit!" Harry said defensively.

"I'm going shopping with you this weekend, Harry," Hermione said decidedly.

"Herm, for the last time, _I am not a girl._ I am not buying girl's clothes."

"Oh, it'll be fun, Harry. And if nothing else, you need a bra."

"Wh—what? Excuse me?" Harry spluttered. "I do not need a bra!" he exclaimed indignantly.

"Harry, dear, _they've got minds of their own. _And you can, ahem, tell the temperature sometimes. Like when a person is cold. Especially through a white shirt." She looked meaningfully down at his chest. Harry also looked down, cursed, and crossed his arms.

* * *

On the way to Potions, Harry overheard Seamus and Dean talking. Overcome by a bizarre instinct to listen in on the gossip, Harry hung back and eavesdropped.

"Seamus, I really don't like the way you were flirting with Harry today."

"Oh, come on, Dean, you know I don't swing that way. And besides, I like to flirt. It's in my nature."

"Well, I don't like it! Can you please, just…stop?"

"Okay, okay. But only for you. But listen, how could I stand by and watch Harry turn into a girl and not annoy him about it?"

Harry groaned and walked away, trying to suppress the girlish voice in his head saying, _there's definitely something going on there…_

Malfoy saw Harry walking towards the Potions classroom and seized his chance.

"Hey, Potter—"

"_Not, now, Malfoy._"

"Aw, what's wrong? PMS?"

"_I said not now."_

"You're looking perky today. Does that happen when you're angry too?"

"SHUT UP!" Harry yelled shrilly, resisting the urge to kick him in the balls as he walked into Potions. Then he heard a voice from behind him say, "Jesus Christ, look at that arse!" Harry growled menacingly and sat down.

Snape walked towards his Potions class in the dungeons. He had missed breakfast this morning doing a report for the Order, and was not looking forward to the added fatigue of teaching rowdy sixth-years. And he was certainly not prepared for what he saw when he walked into the classroom.

"POTTER!"

"Yes, sir?" Harry replied sullenly.

"P—Potter, is that you?"

"_Yes, sir,"_ he said through gritted teeth, bracing himself for the onslaught of sarcastic comments. But to everyone's surprise, Snape simply muttered, "Excuse me, class," and rushed into his office.

After Snape had locked the door, he sat heavily in his black leather chair, which had been custom designed by Terrence Conran—lovely fellow—anyway!

_Why didn't the Dark Lord TELL me he was going to use the potion on Potter! Oh dear Lord…I'll get blamed…I'll get the sack…I'll get arrested! Wait…no one knows I made this. That's right! Just keep your cool and deny everything. Right! Deny everything…and have a good long talk with that tasteless Parselmouth the Dark Lord. I mean, come on. Chintz? It went out years ago!_

Snape swept back into his classroom, completely composed, and began his lesson.

* * *

**Author's Notes**: Crouching Tigerlily: Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha. Vunderful darling! I loves! Me loves! WE loves! Ah, the joy of Harry-anguish.

LadyVerse: well, that was fun. believe me, I share the same sentiment as my distinguished colleague, Crouching Tigerlily. I think I like Snape the most! yay, evil!


	4. Gucci and Bra Vultures

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** Blah blah blah we don't own it bye

**Author's Notes:** You may have noticed the lack of Sirius-related angst. This is simply because, although we do mourn Sirius, this fic is meant to be purely comedic and it really isn't appropriate to have Harry depressed throughout the whole bloody fic.

Wanna know something kooky? One of us is English and one of us is American! YAY! Post reviews and guess which one!

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Chapter 4: Gucci and Bra Vultures

_Ok, I've got to have a nice long talk with the "Dark Lord,"_ Snape thought. _I can't think why he wouldn't let me in on his plan! Doesn't he trust me! It's not that I like the bastard, but…it's nice to have a little recognition now and again. Even if I am working against him!_

With that said (or thought, as it were) he Apparated instantly into Voldemort's study. He had to avoid gagging when he saw that the infamous purple bean bag chair had now become orange. With flowers. _Ohh, the humanity! _He thought despairingly as he rounded on the Dark Lord.

"Why didn't you TELL me you would use the potion on Potter?" Snape exclaimed, stomping his foot in a petulant manner.

_Oh damn, I hadn't thought about this, _Voldemort worried, and did some quick thinking. He decided the truth was probably the easiest explanation.

"Well, I thought that if you knew, you would be all worried about 'losing your job' or some such lunacy," he said, quoting with his fingers.

"Well, I am. How can I prove I'm innocent? I'm the one who's closest to him AND I'm the Potions Master," Snape replied. "Everything points to me!"

"Ummmmmm…" Voldemort thought, looking a bit embarrassed. "Say you're innocent."

"You haven't thought this through, have you, My Lord?"

"Why of COURSE I have, Severus!" Voldemort exclaimed indignantly, looking shifty-eyed. "How dare you question the man with the bean bag chair and piña colada!"

"Of course not My Lord," Snape said quietly, looking nauseous. "You have…excellent taste in bothbeverages and…" he took a deep breath—"décor."

_I cannot BELIEVE I just let those words come out of my mouth. I am eternally ashamed._

At this moment, Lucius and McNair entered the study and sat down. They had arrived early for the weekly Deatheater meeting. Lucius was staring distractedly at his hands, as he had just got a manicure and was marveling at how smooth and shiny his nails were.

Severus turned to sweep out the room, then happened to glance at Lucius' feet.

"My God, Lucius, are those Gucci?"

"Why yes, they are." He looked a little pleased Severus had noticed his shoes.

"Those are bloody beautiful! Where did you get them?"

"Oh, Gucci London. They had the most fabulous sale on last weekend."

Snape looked delighted. "Ooh, how much off? 25?"

"40!"

Snape gasped with wonder. "40! Gracious me, darling, I've got to go!" And with an air kiss and a girlish wave, he was gone. Lucius waved back and sighed.

McNair put on a horribly obnoxious gossip-girl voice and whispered, "Ooh, somebody likes you!"

"Oh, shut up, McNair," Lucius snapped—but squirmed in his seat. Just a little.

* * *

Hermione was tugging Harry, by the sleeve of his ridiculously large sweatshirt, towards "Elphaba's Secret," the leading wizarding brand in women's lingerie.

"Hermione! For the last time! I am NOT getting women's clothing! I don't want to look sexy! I don't want anyone to notice my…well…my…the frontal region of me."

"Harry, I hate to say it, but even those trousers make you look sexy, and as for the not noticing the boobs…well, they're kind of hard to miss."

"How can these trousers make me look sexy? They're baggy!"

"They hang very low on your hips Harry. Look down and you'll see."

Harry obliged and his eyes started to mist over.

"Harry! What's wrong?" Hermione said with concern.

"I-I can't see past them!" Harry choked out, inwardly wondering why he was being so moody.

"Oh there, there Harry," Hermione said consolingly, "We'll get you a nice bra that will get them under control."

Harry sniffed and walked into "Elphaba's Secret."

Now, Harry had been into clothing shops before. Quite a lot of them, in fact. But nothing, not even dueling with Voldemort (Five times!), could have prepared him for the horror of bra saleswomen. They descended upon him in hordes, like vultures with measuring tapes.

"Welcome to Elphaba's Secret!" One witch said sweetly. "What can I do for you?"

Hermione immediately took charge and said, "My friend um…Harriet here, wants to purchase a bra but doesn't know his size…umm, hers I mean."

"Well we'll sort that out in no time dear! Just come here and I'll measure you!" Harry whimpered a bit as the witch put the measuring tape around his chest.

"Hmmm, let's see…36…triple D."

"TRIPLE D!" Hermione exclaimed loudly. The heads of every other woman in the store turned, looking at Harry with deepest envy. Harry noticed, too late, that Parvati and Lavender (having been looking in the double A section) were also watching him with awe. Suddenly they both giggled, and ran out of the store.

"Hermione," Harry said, in a voice filled with quiet rage.

"Yes Harry?" She said brightly.

"Get me into the dressing room. NOW."

Hermione led him into the dressing room and handed him sports bras to try on. "You'll need these for Quidditch, Harry." She said.

"Why?"

"They bounce," she said simply. It took Harry a while, but he got the point.

After his 5th sports bra, Harry said, "I kind-of like these. They sort of…flatten them out a bit."

"That's great, Harry, we'll get you a bunch of those."

As Hermione ran off to get more bras, Harry found himself looking in a mirror. Thinking from his still-guy(ish) mind, he realised that he wasn't that bad-looking. Kinda hot, even. I mean, he had nice legs and a flat stomach and REALLY big—

_Oh…my…god. Did I just…check myself out? AAAAAAHHHHH!_

When Hermione returned a few minutes later, Harry was sitting in the corner of the dressing room, rocking back and forth and muttering, "I am not checking myself out I am not checking myself out I am not checking myself out—"

"Harry, I think you should get one of these," Hermione said, holding up a pink balconette bra.

"Yeahsurewhatever just _get me out of here!_" Harry replied, extremely disturbed by the whole experience. Hermione obliged, quickly paying and dragging Harry towards Pacific Clothing. Harry was exhausted and let Hermione choose everything.

* * *

A while later, the pair met up with Ron at the Three Broomsticks. Harry, at Hermione's insistence, had grudgingly agreed to wear a pair of tight hipsters, and was trying in vain to cover it up with a white T-Shirt. Unfortunately for Harry, Hermione had purchased this, and it was not as baggy as he would have liked.

Ron wasn't taking the transformation quite the way Harry had hoped. He seemed a bit dazed, and kept treating Harry like a girl. Which, given the circumstances, made sense to Ron, but, as Harry was in denial, he was getting exasperated at his friend's behaviour.

Harry sat down and Ron's eyes went wide. "Harry…you look…wow…I mean…_wow…_"

"Yes, Ron, I know," Harry muttered.

"But seriously…w—"

"Yes Ron!" Hermione snapped. "Wow. I know."

"No need to get snappy," Ron said sulkily. "Harry's a girl now. I have a right to be a bit freaked out."

"Ron!" Harry whined. "For the last time, I am NOT a girl! I'm telling you this is only temporary! Why are you being so insensitive?" For the second time that day, Harry felt like crying.

Ron grinned in a superior sort of way. "I rest my case," he said simply.

Harry whimpered and buried his head in his arms.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** We would just like to assure everyone that this is most definitely NOT a Harry/Ron fic. That is NOT the way we ship. It's just weird. Oh, and we know Hermione is a bit too girly, but it suits this fic that Harry has someone to introduce him to feminine things.

**LadyVerse:** Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! That was fun! I like making Harry suffer! And so do the pixies in my head. (Which, by the way, I am building a card house for…I know I know…but it's an inside joke! Those are allowed to be weird! Stop teasing me!)

**Crouching Tigerlily: **Heh, heh, heh. Anyone who has ever been ambushed by shop assistants in Victoria's Secret will be able to appreciate the horror of the 'bra-vultures' whimpers WHY? Why are they so desperate to measure your boobs and sell you over-priced bras? WHY? PS: The little people in my head say hi and are a little pissed off at LadyVerse's pixies because they offered to share their living space (Crouching Tigerlily's head) but the pixies (like snobs) turned them down.


	5. Movin' Out

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer: **Please don't sue us! Our pretty clothes are still at the dry cleaners…

**Author's Notes:** We made a boo boo…we're sorry people, we realise now that Snape can not Apparate from Hogwarts to Voldemort directly. Don't kill us! We only get killing privileges for each other!

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Chapter 5: Movin' Out

He sat at a Chicago blues bar. It was two am, and he sipped his martini from the corner table, staring moodily at the stage. He watched the blond-haired pianist as he smiled, adjusting his thick sunglasses. His fingers lingered over the ivory keys for a moment until he struck up a beautiful melody.

"_I see…trees of green, red roses too_

_I see them bloom, for me and you_

_And I think to myself, what a wonderful world…"_

_Harry swirled his drink, and playfully sucked at the olive, looking seductively at the pianist. He wished that he would take off his sunglasses and reveal his bottomless grey eyes. However, the pianist seemed blind to his affections. The pianist finished the song, and grinned, leaning into the mic and asking for requests. Harry called to Draco, and said "How 'bout I can't stop loving you?" Finally Draco lowered his sunglasses and winked. He said slowly, "This one's for you beautiful," and struck up the tune…_

"AHHHH!"

Harry awoke with a start. His dreams had been getting odder and odder lately. Why the piano bar? And WHY the American recording artist? When his eyes focused, he saw McGonagall looking down on him quizzically.

"Everything all right, Potter?" she asked.

"Yes, fine, Professor," he said, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "Um, why are you here?"

"Well, Potter, it's really not ideal for you to get dressed and undressed every day behind the curtains of your bed. So, for the time being, we are moving you to the girls' dorms."

"WHAT? But Professor—" he stuttered.

"NO buts, Potter. No matter how macho you may be on the inside, on the outside, you are most certainly a female. Therefore, you belong in the girls' dorms." She walked out, shutting the door with a snap. Harry sighed, grabbed a bra from his trunk, and began to pack.

Some time later (when Harry was dressed), Ron came by, to help Harry pack the last of his things. Ron got bored very quickly, and started rummaging through Harry's trunk. He happened to stumble upon Harry's balconette bra (down at the bottom of the trunk since Hermione had bought it), and held it up, saying, "So _this_ is what a bra looks like…"

"RON!" screamed Harry, turning scarlet and snatching it away from him. "I can't believe you," he admonished, repacking it in its proper place (at the bottom of the trunk).

"What? I've never seen a bra before," said Ron sheepishly. "Boys will be boys…well, some will be girls," he added, smirking, as Harry shrieked and threw a pillow at him.

"Harry," said Ron, looking very uncomfortable, "Can I…you know…see it?"

"See what, Ron?"

"Well, you know, the…bra…you're wearing…" He was now completely red—it clashed horribly with his hair.

"RON!" Harry shrieked (yet again). "It's, well…it's only a sports bra anyway, and NO!"

"Well, it's not like…I mean, I don't _like_ you or anything, it's just I've never seen one before, when it's…actually on a girl. Actually, I kind-of, I mean _I really_ like—"

"Hermione, Hermione, yes, I know," Harry sighed.

"How did you know!" Ron said incredulously.

"Girls know these thing, Ro—WHOA!" Harry took a moment to compose himself, and rephrased: "_I _know these things."

Ron tried (unsuccessfully) to suppress a grin. "Okay, Harry. Just don't tell her, will you?"

"Sure," Harry replied, and tried to pick up his trunk. Unfortunately, the frontal region of his body was in the way, and on top of that, he had lost his macho biceps. He heaved…and flopped.

"Here, let me help," Ron said, and lifted it up with no more than a grunt. Harry glared at Ron with deepest envy, but Ron just smiled.

"Hey, look on the bright side, Harry. At least this is the end of the argument about who's got the bigger willy," he said, while managing to keep a completely straight face.

Harry merely rolled his eyes and muttered "_Boys._"

* * *

Draco wandered into the Great Hall, absentmindedly singing one of his favourite Muggle songs, "Hit the Road, Jack." He had a mad uncle who lived in America, and despite his Pureblood upbringing, he believed he could appreciate any kind of music, whether it be the Weird Sisters or Ray Charles. As he passed the Gryfinndor table, singing all the while, Potter shot him an extremely odd look. He didn't understand why. _Oh well…_

Draco was surprised to see that Potter had brushed his unruly hair this morning. It was still messy, but…fashionably so, and it fell into his eyes in a very attractive way…_NO! No, dammit, I'm an evil bastard, I'm NOT falling for the Boy-Who-Lived in Female Form!_ He chanced a look back and immediately noticed the swell of Harry's cleavage above his shirt.

_Oh god. Father in a thong, father in a thong, father in a thong…_

As Harry nibbled at his fruit salad, he heard something rather odd. In fact, extremely odd. Malfoy, it seemed, was singing a song. A Ray Charles song…the same Ray Charles who had sung _What A Wonderful World. _

"Was Malfoy just singing a Muggle song?" said Hermione, looking quizzically back at the Slytherin table, where the faint melody of _Hit the Road, Jack_ could still be heard.

"I didn't notice," Harry replied pointedly, whilst trying to ignore the thought that Malfoy had quite a nice baritone timbre to his voice.

* * *

_God, it's good to finally get away from those two!_

Draco stalked moodily down the hall, after abandoning the Slytherin common room in favor of the library. He was sure his head would explode if he had to deal with one more of Crabbe and Goyle's idiotic questions.

He entered the library and started skimming over the titles, searching for something remotely interesting to bury his head into. Then a very…intriguing title caught his eye.

_Muggle Leaders and their Peaceful Coexistence with Mystical Fish—a study._

_What the…_

He reached for the book, and the exact same time, a very small, delicate hand reached out for the same title. _Aah, who else, but the Boy-who-lived-in-female-form?_

"Aah," Malfoy drawled, "Who else, but the Boy-Who-Lived in female form?"

"Shut up, Malfoy," snapped Harry, clearly trying to muster some power into his high-pitched feminine voice.

"_Shut up, Malfoy," _Draco retorted in a Michael Jackson-esque voice.

Harry's eyes narrowed as he tugged at the book. "Piss off Malfoy! What do you want with some book about American presidents and their obsessions with sea creatures?"

"Funny, I was just about to ask you the same question, Potter! Now, I got the book first…GIVE it to me!"

"That attitude might work with your mother Malfoy but it won't work with me. You see, _I _am not under the impression that the whole world revolves around you!"

"Just give me the book Potter!"

"No!" Harry shrieked, tugging once more. They pulled at the book in a very strange tug of war. That is, until Madame Pince shouted, "FIGHTING! IN THE LIBRARY!"

"Sorry Madame Pince!" They both said uneasily.

"OUT! OUT!" She yelled. She then spelled the book to hit them over the heads as they ran out of the library.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** We are aware that there is a lot of randomness in this chapter. We blame the movie _Ray. _And, in case anyone's wondering about the book title, there's a Bushism that goes:

"I still believe that humans and fish can coexist peacefully."

Random prick!


	6. The Big Conversation Chapter

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** Insert witty disclaimer here…oh, screw it. We do not own anything in the Harry Potter universe, and therefore, nothing in this story. Except the lack of plot and the bra vultures

**Author's Notes:** We're sorry this chapter has taken ages to get up, but we've had rehearsals, performances, homework, finals, and a whole list of other things to do. Most gracious and appreciative huggy vibes to all our wonderful reviewers. We wuv you! (Just to clear things up, this most definitely IS a Harry/Draco fic. We appreciate people's separate views and tastes when concerning pairings but our personal liking is for Harry/Draco. We apologise if we did not make this clear, but get on with your lives, and DEAL with it).

* * *

Chapter 6: The Big Conversation Chapter (original, eh?) 

Harry was unpacking his trunk in the girls' dorm. He was joined by Hermione, who, far from sharing Harry's surly indignation, was rather excited at the prospect of having a roommate who, in her own words, was not a 'mindless little bimbo'.

"So," Hermione said cheerfully, folding Harry's clothes. "Do you like anyone?"

"Oh, loads of people," Harry said absently—he was completely oblivious to her true meaning. "Ron, Seamus, Dean, Neville…"

"No, Harry!" Hermione admonished. "I mean LIKE like…"

"Oh," Harry muttered, turning red. "Well, I don't know…"

"Well, let's start with the basics. Who do you find physically attractive? Not taking personality into account at all."

"Not at all?" Harry asked cautiously.

"Not at all. Let's start with Gryffindor."

"Well…I actually think they're all pretty good-looking…" Harry warmed up to the conversation quickly and said, "They sort of have that Abercrombie look going on."

"I know exactly what you mean. I've always thought that if all them looked at a camera at exactly the same time, it would be good enough for _Vogue_."

"Definitely," Harry agreed.

"So, how about Ravenclaw?"

"Well, Roger Davies, and Terry Boot."

"Good choices, but I prefer Davies, if I had to choose."

"Really? I prefer Boot."

"Well, he's always staring at my chest when I talk."

Harry blinked, and looked violated. "…he told me he had a sore neck."

"Oh, Harry."

They sat in silence, until Hermione said, "What about Hufflepuff?"

Harry blinked once more, and said, "What about Hufflepuff?"

Hermione rolled her eyes, and said, "Justin's cute…"

"Well, okay he is, but still."

"Okay, Harry, now for the big one…Slytherin."

"No one!" Harry said, a bit too quickly. He looked shifty-eyed.

Hermione was much too clever to fall for Harry's little ruse, and was persistent. "Come on, Harry, you can tell me, I know you like someone…"

"NO! I don't have a crush on anyone from Slytherin! For your information, they all bug the hell out of me! Especially Malfoy!"

Hermione raised her eyebrows, but was silent was Harry began to rant.

"Well, he's always sucking up to Snape and getting good grades I mean why should he be able to get away with in that stupid bad-boy way and WHY WAS HE SINGING RAY CHARLES? I mean, what's up with him? I you want to be an evil pure blood bastard then BE an evil pure blood bastard God dammit! And he puts his pinky out when he drinks tea, HIS BLOODY PINKY! How aristocratic can you get? Just grab the bloody thing and drink it! Oh and I HATE the way he's always playing with his hair! I mean, granted it's gorgeous and all and always falls in exactly the right place and shines when the sun…I mean…that is, well…yeah."

"I told you so Harry."

"Shut up Herm."

"Denial, thy name is Harry."

"Shut UP Hermione!"

* * *

"Do Muggles have two feet, Draco?" 

"For the love of all things holy and Ray Charles, Goyle!"

"Who's Ray Charles, Draco?"

"For the love of all things holy and Jimi Hen—never mind."

"Well, do they?"

"Yes, Goyle, they do."

Draco felt as if his head might explode. He sighed and rolled his eyes as Goyle turned to Crabbe and said "I told you so."

"So. Potter's a girl now," said Blaise.

"Gee Blaise," sneered Draco, "I think you're winning the state-the-obvious game we've been playing."

"I've never heard of that game, Draco," said Crabbe.

"Jesus Christ, Crabbe!" exclaimed Draco.

"What did I do?" Crabbe whined.

"And a hot girl too." Blaise continued as if the conversation had not been rudely interrupted by a spurt of random stupidity.

"Blaise!" said Draco. "I can't believe you just said that about a Gryffindor!"

"A Gryffindor with TRIPLE D'S!"

"So fucking what!"

"You can't deny it, Draco. I've seen the way you look at Potter. I know you want…" Blaise paused as he searched for the correct pronoun. "…some of that."

"Actually, Blaise, you're completely and utterly wrong! I don't find him slash her remotely attractive! IN fact, he slash…oh fuck it. He pisses me off to no end! The way he's always so goody goody and always sucking up to Dumbledore and the way he's so bloody stream lined when he flies! And he's so muggle-ised….AND HE HOLDS HIS FORK IN HIS FIST! HIS FIST! I mean come on! Get some bloody manners! And he always takes his quill out of his bag with his LEFT HAND come on! Have some variety! And he's always wearing those stupid glasses as if he doesn't know they completely hide his clerical, mysterious, bloody fucking gorgeous emerald eyes! And he really…well…he pisses me off. Yeah."

"I told you so Draco."

"Shut up Blaise."

"Denial, thy name is Draco."

"Shut UP Crabbe! Jesus! When did you acquire any semblance of wit?"

"I mean, come off it, Draco, it's really obvious—"

"You too, Goyle!"

"You've got to face up to it, mate," said Blaise smugly. "Look at Crabbe and Goyle. They're thick as shit and they can tell."

"Shut up Blaise."

"How thick is shit?"

"For the love of all things holy and Barbara Streisand, Crabbe!"

"What did I do?"

* * *

**Author's Notes:** **LadyVerse says:** Wow. That was a whole lot of fun to write. I hope you have fun reading it. I love Crabbe and Goyle! 

**Crouching Tigerlily says:** Tee hee. Tee hee. Hahahaha. Ha. That was so intense to write. At first we had slight writer's block then suddenly, ideas…they flowed they flowed they flowed.


	7. AhhLook at the Pretty Hormones!

Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution 

**Disclaimer:** Okay, seriously now…we are RUNNING OUT of witty disclaimers. We don't own them, they are the property of J.K Rowling, and she is the property of Buddha/God/Allah/ Brahmin/insert deity here. CURSE YOU J K ROWLING!

**Author's Notes:** We are very sorry for the extremely long wait between chapters. Crouching Tigerlily went to England for the summer, and we only write as a team. Yes, folks, it's true! LadyVerse is the Yank! And now, for our new chapter (finally!)

* * *

Chapter 7: Ahh…Look at the Pretty Hormones!

"Hermione, does this make me look fat?"

"That's it. You've completed your transformation."

"What are you talking about? I just want to know if this skirt makes my thighs look big."

"Harry. You think like a girl now."

"Hermione, that's ridic—STOP AVOIDING MY QUESTION!"

"NO, it doesn't make your thighs look fat! You look gorgeous in everything you wear!'

"Thank you."

Harry turned to inspect himself in the full-length mirror. He was wearing a cute little red tartan skirt, a red tank top (which accentuated his cleavage), and was just pulling on some adorable little black Alice shoes. It had been three weeks since his transformation, and he had warmed up a lot more towards more feminine things. Hermione looked him up and down, rummaged in her trunk, and produced a pair of long black socks.

"Wear these, Harry. They'll look cute with those shoes."

Harry pulled them on and once again, surveyed himself in the mirror.

"Do you think they make my legs look stubby?"

"No, they make your legs look cute."

"But I'm so short!"

"Do you actually know how short you are?"

"Yes, I measured myself."

"And…"

There was a long silence.

"Four-eleven," Harry said in a very small voice.

"You're less than five feet!"

"AND THREE-QUARTERS!"

* * *

"Harry, mate, come over here!"

Harry turned towards the Ravenclaw table during breakfast, where Roger Davies was calling him over.

"Hermione! He's calling me over! What should I do?" Harry whispered urgently.

"Just go and talk to him, Harry. You'll be fine," she answered.

Harry jumped up and walked eagerly over to the Ravenclaw table. "Hi Roger!" he said with a little bit too much enthusiasm. But just a little bit. Draco, who was watching moodily from the Slytherin table, thought to himself, _Dear God, that boy…girl…person has no subtlety. _Then he overheard some of what Harry was saying and choked on his Columbian Roast coffee…black, no sugar.

"Oh my god, have you been working hard at Quidditch too? I swear every time I get off that broom I am so sore! I think the practices just get longer and longer. You need so much stamina to ride well you know what I mean?"

Davies looked more than a little bit dazed. "Um, yeah. Sure. Stamina."

Draco became more and more shocked as he continued to watch. Harry was doing every cheap trick in every cheap book—the leaning over, the giggling, the cute coy smile (at least, that's what Draco imagined he was doing), and the—_Dear GOD, was that a hair flip?_

Back at the Gryffindor table, Ron had noticed the same thing. The change on his face was really quite hilarious. His face went pale, and his mouth dropped open, and his eyebrows disappeared into his hair. He slowly turned to Hermione, and said, "He flipped his hair."

"Oh, did he?" said Hermione casually. "That little minx, he's flirting."

"Harry flipped his hair at Roger Davies."

"He's a girl, Ron."

"Dear God."

"Calm down Ron."

"By best friend is a girl! He's wearing mini skirts and flicking both his arse and his hair at Roger Davies."

"Don't forget the boobs Ron."

"Dear God."

Ron surveyed the Ravenclaw table as Harry leaned over and exposed rather a lot of cleavage to the Ravenclaw Quidditch team. Ron could tell because they all turned a rather familiar shade of red, and started tugging at their collars.

"Well, I've got to got to go see my friends. Bye Roger!"

Harry ran back to Ron and Hermione, boobs a-bouncing, which caused a vast majority of the great hall to turn and admire the beautiful sight. Harry (of course) was oblivious, and simply sat down next to Hermione with a rather large grin on his face.

"Guess who just asked me out?"

Hermione's eyes widened in shock, "But-but, I mean, that's great Harry, but I thought you liked Boot better?"

"Well, he's a perv—" Harry lowered his voice, "You don't mind if I go out with Roger do you?"

"What? No. When I said I liked him, I meant purely in a physical way, I'm not actively pursuing him."

"Oh good! 'Cause, I'm so excited and I can't wait and I think he might really like me oh Hermione what shall I wear?"

* * *

Draco sat in a comfortable chair in the Slytherin common room, utterly miserable. _What could it be? _He wondered, _I know! I need a drink!_

Draco jumped up, "Right!" He said, clapping his hands, "I need a drink!"

Blaise turned towards Draco with a bemused expression. "Are you sure you're not just going to spy on Potter and Davies?"

"What! That's ridiculous! I just feel like some Columbian Roast coffee—black, no sugar."

"Draco, you can get that here—"

"BYE!"

Blaise turned to Crabbe and Goyle, looking like the proverbial cat who swallowed the canary. "It's official," he declared. "Draco Alexander Malfoy likes Harry James Potter."

"So is Draco gay?"

"Why Crabbe," replied Blaise, "That's actually quite insightful."

"What's insightful?"

"Never mind."

* * *

_Oh, screw it. I want a firewhisky._

Draco sat at the bar of the Three Broomsticks, contemplating how to get past Rosmerta. He was wondering about the Imperius Curse—_no, it's way too much effort…_Just then, Harry and Roger walked in, and Draco froze. _Oh dear God look at his outfit! He's naked from_ _navel to hips! NAVEL TO HIPS, I SAY!_

Harry was wearing a sexy pink tank top and very tight dark hipsters, along with some adorable little pink flats that showed off his cute little height. Draco watched, transfixed, as they sat down and Roger ordered. A moment later he was shocked as he realised the drinks were Firewhiskies.

"Um, Roger," said Harry timidly. "I'm not of age yet."

"Don't worry, it'll be fine," said Roger soothingly.

Draco was paralyzed with rage. _He's trying to get Potter DRUNK! _He screamed inside his head. _I should have thought of that!_ As the date went on, Harry got more and more exasperated.

"I really like your top," Roger said, while staring intently at Harry's bosoms.

"Um, thanks," Harry said uneasily. "Hermione made me wear it." Did Roger think he was oblivious? He was a boy once too!

"Well, I'm glad she did, it's got a really nice neckline." At this he reached out to touch the top of Harry's shirt. Harry jumped up quite violently, knocking his chair over.

"Oh, would you look at that, I've finished my drink, gottagobye!"

"Don't you want another—"

"NO!"

"Well okay, I'll walk you out."

_Good boy—girl…person,_ thought Draco, as he walked out behind them.

"Wanna go over to the Shrieking Shack?" said Roger, as they walked through the village.

"Um, well, actually I—" stammered Harry.

"Come on then," said Roger, gently steering Harry with his hands (which were quite a bit lower than they should have been).

Draco followed angrily (and stealthily) after them.

* * *

Harry and Roger stood in front of the Shrieking Shack. Draco looked on angrily from behind a nearby tree as Roger made increasingly more obvious come-ons. Harry was looking more uncomfortable by the minute.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" said Roger, wrapping his arm possessively around Harry's waist/butt. Harry wriggled away from him, saying, "It's a creaky old house. I have to go."

Roger grabbed Harry by the arms, spun him around, and came at him with his tongue out. Harry squealed and propelled down the hill, heading for the village. Draco, incensed by all the excitement, followed him.

Harry stopped to catch his breath behind the Three Broomsticks. Draco snuck up behind him and whispered in his ear, "Date not going so well?"

Harry shrieked and said "Hide me!"

"It's okay, Davies isn't—"

"Harry?"

"There he is!" Harry squeaked, terrified.

"Oh. Okay." Draco picked Harry up by his small and delicate waist and placed him against the nearest wall. Then he pushed his body against Harry's and tilted his face, thereby faking a passionate makeout session.

Davies' footsteps could be heard around the corner. "Quick, run your hands though my hair." Harry obliged and they waited for Roger to pass. It was only then when the full realisation of situation sunk in to Harry. This was Malfoy. _Draco Malfoy's_ tall, lean, and muscular body was pressed up against his (encountering a lot of resistance, I might add, from Harry's upper body)._ This is strange,_ he thought. _I don't feel any hot, boiling hatred. No urge to perform the Furnunculus Curse. Well, actually, something is hot and boiling…_

Draco, meanwhile, fought to keep himself under control. He closed his eyes to make this easier. It was then when they heard Roger turn the corner and say, "Hey have you seen—whoa, sorry." He walked away and Harry breathed an audible sigh of relief.

"Um…thanks," Harry said awkwardly.

Draco looked at Harry. The pure and innocent look on his face looked so pretty, especially with the light flush that was creeping onto his cheeks. His little pink mouth was curled in an embarrassed smile and before Draco could stop or even think about what he was doing, he leaned over and kissed Harry softly, tenderly, on the mouth.

The silence spanned seventeen eternities.

"I…must…go," said Draco, and, abandoning all pretense, fled for Hogwarts.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Yay, we're back! Just to let you know, this was written pre-Half-Blood Prince, and we don't plan on changing it….the truth is just too horrible. On Draco's middle name…We did NOT want to do the cliché thing and have it be "Lucius." Instead we decided to give him a classical name, as Draco is Greek and so is Alexander. And don't worry, the gay Death Eaters will be back soon. 


	8. His Majesty the Queen

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer: **It's not ours. You people SERIOUSLY need to stop bothering us! Has it ever occurred to you that we have feelings too? Huh? Huh? You know what? WE DON'T CARE! It's ours, it's ours! Take our money! ALL TEN CENTS OF IT! Bwa ha. Now who's dumb?

**Author's Notes:** We're on a roll! We have the whole story planned out right now, and it is a bit longer than we anticipated…please bear with us. It will also include an alternate ending…mwa ha ha. On with the show.

* * *

Chapter 8: His Majesty the Queen

Harry was utterly stunned. He stood rooted to the spot as he watched Draco's hastily retreating back, while one single thought played in his head. _He kissed me. Draco Malfoy KISSED me. What the bloody hell was that all about!_

"Hey Malfoy!" Harry yelled as he ran flat out across the grounds. "What the bloody hell was that all about!" In response, Draco ran faster. _Oh no you don't,_ Harry thought. With a burst of speed that would have put Superman to shame, Harry ran at Draco and tackled him. Draco, who was not expecting to be hit from behind by a pair of triple-Ds, uttered a cry of surprise and crashed to the ground.

"Potter! You just tackled me!" Draco said, astonished. Harry merely groaned, clutching his chest.

"Ow."

"Ow? OW! Is that all? What the hell did you tackle me for?"

"What the hell did you kiss me for?"

"Oh, uh…that…"

"Well?"

Draco looked very, very, VERY uncomfortable. "It was…a mistake," he said lamely.

"A mistake?" Harry said skeptically. "Is that what you'd call it?"

"Well excuse me your ROYAL SHORTNESS! Are you telling me you've never made a mistake before?"

Harry's face was contorted into something that could only be called inhuman. "YOUR ROYAL WHAT?"

It was at this moment Draco realised he had just made a VERY big mistake.

"I cannot BELIEVE you just called me that! What have I ever done to you? You've been nothing but horrible to me ever since I came here and all I ever did was defend someone who was nice to me! Unlike YOU, you horrible, aristocratic, pinky waggling brat! And furthermore, KISSING someone is not a mistake and I want to know why you did it!"

"PINKY-WAGGLING? At least I don't hold my fork in my fist, you bloody serf!"

"I am NOT a serf, Malfoy! I'm just as fucking eloquent as you are! Now tell me, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BLOODY KISS ME!"

Draco suddenly decided on an adequate response. He turned and ran. Again.

Harry swore and headed in the opposite direction, towards Hagrid's cabin and the Forbidden Forest. When he finally got there, he heard a commotion further down the path. His newly-acquired gossip senses started tingling, and he crept over to see what was going on.

The sight that met his eyes was one that he would never forget. There, well concealed by the large oak they were leaning against, were Seamus and Dean. And leaning wasn't the only thing they were doing. Seamus had his arms flung around Dean's neck and Dean's were wrapped around Seamus' waist. They were kissing passionately, their eyes closed, without a care in the world.

"I KNEW IT!"

Seamus and Dean squealed like little girls and fell over into a nearby bush. Dean sat up first, saying, "What the bloody hell just happened, Seamus? One minute we were kissing, and then…" Then his eyes found Harry's crossed arms and criminally smug expression.

"I knew there was something going on between you two."

Seamus sat up, clearly very disgruntled. "Mary, mother of God. Way to kill the mood, Harry."

"I don't care. I am very proud of myself."

"Took you long enough," Dean said with a smirk. "We hooked up at the end of last year."

"Well I wasn't a girl then," Harry said, as if that explained the whole situation. Then he stopped and realised just how odd that sentence was. He scowled as Seamus chuckled.

"Seriously, though, Harry. Don't tell anyone," Dean said.

"Don't worry Dean. Your secret's safe with me."

"Not bloody likely," Seamus said ruefully.

"Seamus, I resent that. Girls are extremely trustworthy."

The couple took one look at each other and burst out laughing.

"Oh…screw you guys, I have to go talk to Hermione."

"What, hot gossip?"

Harry smirked. "Something like that."

* * *

"And then he kissed me, Hermione!"

Harry was back in his dorm room, sitting on Hermione's bed and relaying the whole story, while eating cookie dough ice cream. (Comfort food. Don't ask.) "It was so weird, Hermione! His body was all pressed up against mine, and I had my hands in his hair!"

"Why are you worked up about this, Harry?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? He kissed me!"

"But why are you worked up about the kiss?"

There was a long silence. Then…

"Hermione, what are you saying?"

"You like him, Harry. If you didn't you would be complaining about your date with Davies."

"Okay, maybe a little bit. But it's nothing serious, Hermione. I just hope that I'll get over it very very soon. I mean, why do I find him so sexy? He's an evil malicious bastard!"

"Well, it seems to me like you like bad boys, Harry."

"But I—I mean—that's ridiculous, Hermione!" Harry sputtered.

"Okay, Harry. Think of Malfoy smoking a cigarette in a black trench coat."

"Ooh…STOP IT!"

* * *

Snape frowned as he approached the Apparition point in Hogsmeade. He was off to report to the "Dark Lord," or as some liked to call him, "That Crazy Git with the Bean Bag Chair." Snape felt compelled to vomit as he wondered what colour it would be this time. He also tried (in vain, I might add) to stop himself from thinking whether Lucius would be there and whether he might bump into him and whether he might be able to say hi—

_SHUT UP!_

_But he's cute—_

_SHUT UP! BAD BRAIN!_

With that, he Apparated instantly into Voldie's study. He staggered. _Oh dear Lord. Leopard print. _The Crazy Git sat on his bean bag chair like a throne, waving his piña colada imperiously as he spoke to McNair, and occasionally slopping some on the floor.

"So I said to him, Lucius, darling, you can't forget that you're a married man, it's not my fault if you married the wrong gender. And THEN…" He paused for what he clearly thought was dramatic effect…"I Avada'd a Muggle."

Snape noticed with distaste that most of the "Dark Lord's" stories ended with "And THEN…I Avada'd a Muggle."

McNair left to join the main Death Eater meeting. Voldie, who had not noticed Snape, produced a Muggle Jack-In-The-Box and started to wind the handle. Snape approached his Lord and Master cautiously, as he had no idea what he was playing with. Voldemort wound the handle eagerly, looked up and said "Hang on darling," and then squealed with delight and clapped his hands when the clown popped up.

"Alright, dear, I'm listening," he said, and nodded imperiously at Snape.

"Well, My Lord, that fool Dumbledore has got me hard at work on an antidote, but obviously, I haven't found anything. Aside from that, the transformation is almost complete."

"Good, good, good, Severus. Now, we must come up with a plan to attack the boy while he is in this weakened condition."

"You mean while he's female?"

"Yes, yes Severus that's what I said! Now go. And on your way out, tell that infernal house-elf to fetch me some more piña colada, I'm very parched."

Snape bowed low, "Yes, my lord."

He turned and fled out of the door and bumped into (who else?) Lucius Malfoy. Lucius had been carrying what looked like blueprints of Hogwarts and something called "Voldie's Theme Park of Doom." The pile had tumbled out of his hands and Lucius bent to pick it up, looking flustered.

Snape, relishing this opportunity, said, "Oh! I'm so sorry, let me help you!"

He bent down and gathered the papers, however, as he reached for "Voldie's Theme Park of Doom" his hand met Lucius'. Lucius squeaked, and pulled his hand away quickly. Snape, who had found the squeak very endearing, simply giggled and held out the blue-print.

"Erm, thank you Severus."

"You're welcome Lucius….did you cut your hair?"

Lucius sniffed, "Yes, but I hate it, I asked them to take off a small amount and they took off an inch and a half…AN INCH AND A HALF!"

"Oh you poor dear, I can't believe that, you should find a new hair-dresser. It looks nice though."

"Oh! Do you think so?" Lucius' face lit up momentarily before he seemed to reprimand himself and looked at the ground. "I mean um," He cleared his throat and continued in a voice that sounded much deeper and more masculine than his usual timbre,"Good day, Severus."

"Oh…yes, good day." Snape watched Lucius' retreating back, and before he could stop himself, he said, "Nice shoes Lucius."

Lucius turned, shyly, "Thank you, they're Gucci."

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Crouching Tigerlily: We would just like to say that you read this fic by your own choice and we cannot accept responsibility for any emotional scarring that may occur.  
LadyVerse: Especially not from this chapter. 


	9. The Joys of Womanhood

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** It's…um…ours. We own it. Yes. What's that? Please, Ms. Rowling, put the axe down…no! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh god, please help…AAAAAAAAAHHHH! Okay, okay…we…don't…own it. It's hers, alright? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, YOU SADISTIC WOMAN!

**Author's Notes:** We have been receiving some comments on Harry's figure. We would just like to say:

A: This is a PARODY. It was NOT meant to resemble real life.

B: We have a friend who has exactly the figure we describe in this story. Just because you are 5 feet tall doesn't mean you are a stick. The friend in question happens to be 5 foot with triple D's and large hips and she is GORGEOUS.

C: Go write your own fic if you don't like ours.

Hem hem…right. On with the show…

* * *

Chapter 9: The Joys of Womanhood

Harry woke up and groaned. His stomach ached and his back hurt and he wanted to kill somebody. A certain blond somebody, somebody whose name started with a D and ended with an O.

"Harry, time to get up!"

"Mmmmjghghghghfuckoff."

"Come on, rise and shine Harry!"

"Why are you so flipping happy, Hermione?"

"I have Arithmancy first period. Now come on, get up and put your robes on."

Harry groaned again, stumbled out of bed and walked over to the mirror. He let out a short, sharp cry and clutched his hand to his forehead.

"Harry, what's wrong, is it your scar?" Hermione rushed over and pried Harry's hand from his forehead.

"I…have…a spot."

"Oh god, Harry."

"That's right! Oh God! It's huge Hermione, what do I do?"

"Harry. It's really not that big."

"Yes it is, it's enormous," Harry whined. "Oh god, what do I do? How can I hide it and what if I can't hide it and what if someone sees it and—"

"HARRY!"

"Yes Hermione?"

"You have a fringe."

"But…what if it falls back and someone sees it?"

"Then they'll think you got a zit, like any normal teenage girl does. Put your robes on."

"Hermione?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"I just feel so horrible today. I feel ugly," he said pathetically.

Hermione sighed and handed him his robes.

* * *

Harry sniffed as he walked into the Great Hall with Hermione, and searched for Ron. Upon seeing him, he headed towards the table, but found his way blocked by one Pansy Parkinson.

"So, Potter, I heard from Davies that you won't give out the goods, what's wrong? Want to go back to being a boy? Or is it common practice among half-bloods to be big prudes?"

Harry's incurable depression cured itself and was instead replaced by seething hatred. "Pansy, I am NOT in the mood right now!"

Pansy chuckled. "Oh, what's wrong, PMS?"

"NO!" Harry said indignantly, and huffed away, planting himself next to Ron.

"Do we have any chocolate mousse?"

Ron looked puzzled. "Harry, it's breakfast time."

"I know. Chocolate mousse?"

"No Harry."

"Dammit."

Hermione, who had seated herself at Ron's other side, smiled a smug smile. "You know, Harry, I think you actually might be PMSing."

"WHAT? I can't believe you! Oh, yeah, boys are entitled to their feelings, but every time a girl feels sad, everyone's like, oh, it's PMS! What does PMS have to do with it? Am I not entitled to a little bit of seething hatred ONCE IN A WHILE! No one understands me!"

Harry started to cry and his rant continued into something unintelligible, which distinctly ended with "mhmhfhfmfhchocolate…"

From across the table came Seamus' Irish brogue saying "Bloody hell. Someone's got PMS."

"I heard that Seamus," sniffed Harry indignantly.

"And freakishly good hearing," returned the Irishman.

Harry turned to Hermione and complained about his cramps.

* * *

Malfoy angrily stabbed his breakfast with his fork and moodily sipped his Columbian roast coffee (black, no sugar). He hated the world. Actually, one small curvy Gryffindor in particular. _Why does he have to be so bloody sexy? WHY DID I KISS HIM? Er, her._

He turned to Blaise and started bitching about the world in general. "God, I am in such a crappy mood, Blaise. I hate everything! These past few days have been utter—"

He stopped as he caught a snatch from Potter and Granger's conversation. "Hermione, my stomach hurts." "They're called cramps Harry. Do you want to go up to Madame Pomfrey?" "Chocolate…"

_Cramps?_ Draco chuckled.

"I feel better now," he said.

Blaise grinned. "So, you still horny for Potter?" he asked.

"WHAT!" Draco sputtered. "I am not horny for Potter! In fact, I never was!"

Blaise sat back and smugly sipped his Chamomile tea. Then he closed his eyes and moaned. He proceeded to simulate heavy breathing, all the while muttering, "Oh…yes, yes…Oh…god…Potter, Potter! Oh god…so…good…Harry, Harry!"

"What ARE you doing Blaise?" snapped Draco. His cheeks had gone a familiar shade of pink.

"I always told you you talked in your sleep, Draco."

Draco dropped his head onto the table. "Why do I like him, Blaise?"

"Well, he's got enormous tits, and he's really quite gorgeous. I mean, even I think he's hot and I'm as gay as Cher on stilts."

"WHAT?"

Blaise merely stared at him. "You knew."

"Uh…right."

Blaise leaned back in his chair and smirked. "Although personally, I think Potter was hotter pre-transformation."

"Oh God."

Draco closed his eyes in disbelief for a moment. And then…

"Who's Cher?"

"Oh God."

* * *

Hermione stood in the girls' loo, waiting for Harry. She was distractedly trying to smooth down her hair when she heard a shrill cry of "OH GOD HERMIONE I'M DYING!"

"Harry, Harry, what's wrong?" She said the _Alohomora _charm and pushed her way into Harry's cubicle. The sight that met her eyes was rather pitiful. Harry was sitting on the toilet, shaking with sobs and muttering, "Oh god I'm hemorrhaging, oh god, oh god…"

"Harry, calm down—"

"I'M DYING HERMIONE! DON'T YOU CARE?"

"Harry, you're not dying. You're getting your period."

There was a very long silence.

"Oh god, oh god…"

"Harry! Breathe. Here, let me show you…"

Ten minutes later they walked out of the bathroom, Harry wiping his red and puffy eyes.

"I can't believe it," he said. "It's official."

"What is?"

"I'm actually a girl now. Before this, I thought it would be a temporary thing. But now…" he trailed off as his eyes started to mist over again. "I HATE PMS!" He wailed, burying his head in Hermione's shoulder.

At this moment, Snape happened to walk around the corner. One glance and he knew what had happened. _The transformation is complete._ He walked up to the girls and said briskly, "You two are late for lessons. Ten points from Gryffindor."

Harry and Hermione stared at him incredulously as his robe whipped out of sight around the corner. Harry's lip began to tremble…

* * *

_Ooh, there's Potter._ Draco smirked. The day was half-over and the school was coming in for lunch. Draco had just glimpsed Hermione, accompanied by the Boy-Who-Lived-to-be-a-bloody-thorn-in-his-bloody-side, who was looking very destitute and eating a chocolate bar.

Draco sauntered up to the pair, looking for all the world like a rather pale cat that had just cornered its unsuspecting, chocolate-eating prey. After Hermione had left, Draco walked up to Harry and said, "Careful, Potter. That'll go straight to those womanly hips of yours."

Through very, very tight lips, Harry said, "Malfoy. I'm warning you. Don't talk to me about my weight right now."

Draco chuckled. _It's time to get bitchy._ "Oh no, " he drawled. "I'm sure I don't have to talk about it. You can probably see it for yourself." _And now for the grand finale. _"Nice spot, by the way."

He turned to walk away, but far from the angry response he expected to hear, he was interrupted by the sounds of quiet, delicate sobs. Draco turned around and felt a surprising wave of guilt crash over him. Harry was leaning against the wall, his hands over his face, sobbing his small, feminine heart out.

Draco felt awful. It was pure and simple._ How could I have been so bitchy?_ Draco yelled at himself despairingly. He tentatively walked up to Harry. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry. I didn't think you would take it personally."

"Boys never think," Harry wailed.

"You're right Harry. I'm an arsehole and I shouldn't have said it."

"Oh God, do you really mean that?" Harry cried, and without any warning, threw himself into Draco's arms. So, for the second time in 2 weeks, Draco found himself at the mercy of a pair of emotional triple D's. Draco patted him on the back awkwardly and stroked his head. He was really rather enjoying it, when Potter pulled back sharply and gave Draco a very strange look.

"Are you _smelling_ my _hair_?"

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Muah hahahahahaha – sorry Harry – hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Ha. We are SO mean. 


	10. A RedHot Temper

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** Okay let's get this over with. :deep breath: They're not ours. :Sobbing: IT'S TOO MUCH! We want chocolate…sniff.

**Author's Notes:** First off, we want to say thanks for all the fabulous and wonderful reviews we've been getting. (You like us! You really really like us!) Not to toot our own horns, but if the reviews are anything to go by, you will LOVE this chapter. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.

* * *

Chapter 10: A Red-Hot Temper

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

The scream came from the entrance of the Great Hall. It came from a freckled person. A red-haired freckled person. A tall and lanky red-haired freckled person, who was staring at Harry's arms around Draco's neck and Draco's hands on Harry's waist, with a horrified look on his face.

"Harry…" Ron pleaded.

"I don't know Ron!" said Harry frantically, searching for an excuse. "It's his fault!" he cried, pointing at Draco.

Ron beet-root face rounded on Draco, who looked like the proverbial deer in headlights. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BEST FRIEND YOU SADISTIC SLYTHERIN BASTARD!"

"Harry! Why did you say that?" Draco said.

"Because it's true! You're the one who called me fat and you're the one who's all kissy-kissy smelly-smelly!" said Harry, waving his fingers to embellish his point.

"KISSING? WHEN WAS THE KISSING! And Harry's not fat."

"Thank you!" said Harry.

"THERE WAS NO KISSING, YOU MAD WEASLEY!"

"At least not this time," said a very smug-looking Harry.

"WHAT!"

"Harry, stop!" pleaded a frantic Draco. "I do not need a Weasley fist-shaped dent in my face!"

"Well, MAYBE you DO!" screamed Harry. "It might shake up that aristocratic brain of yours enough so you would stop SMELLING peoples' HAIR!"

"You were the one who threw yourself into my arms, Your Royal – "

"Don't. Say it. Draco." Harry hissed between clenched teeth. "Do not say it or I will SIC THE WEASLEY ON YOU!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE! WHY did he say that you THREW YOURSELF INTO HIS ARMS!"

"LIES!" Cried Harry imperiously, "All lies!"

"**WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?"**

The two boys and the boy slash girl turned to see a red-faced Hermione standing in front of the doors. There was complete and utter silence, as all three of them remembered Hermione's tiny fists of fury in the third year. Harry gulped.

"Okay! Ron, CALM DOWN! We will talk about this later!" She grabbed Ron by the scruff of his neck and dragged him towards her. She then turned on Harry. "Listen, STOP taking it out on everyone else just because you have PMS!"

Draco snorted. "PMS? That explains A LOT!"

"Shut up!" Hermione yelled as she rounded on him. "And anyway, as for YOU, if you're so damned attracted to Harry then just ask him out like a real man! Sheesh!"

She turned around, and with complete and utter calm, said "I am hungry. I want to eat my shepherd's pie. Please don't make me come out here again." She opened the doors and walked into the hall, dragging Ron with her.

Draco turned to look at Harry, before backing away very…very…slowly. However, he chose not to run until he was several yards away. Harry watched him run with something akin to sadness in his eyes, then took out his chocolate bar, and munched dejectedly as he walked into the great hall.

* * *

Ron paced nervously in the common room as Hermione looked on, rolling her eyes.

"Harry hates me," Ron said. "He hates me."

"Ron, I don't think – "

"But he does he does he does he does he doesn't like me anymore just like Malfoy that's WHY he likes Malfoy he hates me he's gonna grow up and marry Malfoy and have lots of little Malfoy babies and they're going hate all the Weasley babies and then THEIR BABIES—"

"RON! No."

"But – "

"NO, Ron. Just no."

"But whhhhyyyy? What's wrong with him?"

Hermione sighed. "There's nothing WRONG, Ron. It's just…how many times do I have to say it? Harry's a GIRL! Of COURSE he's going to like other guys!"

Ron whimpered, "But why Malfoy?"

"Think about it this way Ron, they've been obsessing about each other since they were eleven years old, they're constantly picking fights with each other, they can't leave each other alone for ONE minute! They talk about each other all the time and complain to their friends about each other. Isn't it OBVIOUS?"

Ron frowned. "But that's how WE act."

Hermione sighed. "EXACTLY, Ron."

And then suddenly, it dawned. "OOHHHHH. You mean you…"

"Since second year, Ron."

"OH! Okay then."

They both grinned stupidly at each other for a long time. Finally, a rather disheveled-looking Seamus, followed by a rather disheveled-looking Dean, popped out from behind the staircase. "Just get on with it," Seamus said, and was gone.

* * *

It was purple paisley. Severus felt a little woozy as he walked into his Lord and Master's study. He winced as he heard the signature "And THEN…I Avada'd a muggle." It was clear Voldie had been drinking piña colada all afternoon. Severus approached cautiously. However, he did not see that the death eater, who had not been visible when sitting in the high-backed chair, was none other than Lucius Malfoy. The same Lucius Malfoy who was wearing EXACTLY the same Dolce and Gabbana robes as Severus himself.

"Severus, darling!" exclaimed the Crazy Git with the Bean Bag Chair. Severus was careful to stand at least two feet away, as he did not want piña colada on his new robes.

"I am just here to inform you that the transformation is complete, My Lord, " said Severus, bowing low.

"Wonderful, Severus!" said Voldie. "Now is the time to plan our attack."

"Indeed my Lord," replied the Potions Master. Both he and Lucius got up and headed for the door.

"Oh, and by the way, you two," said Voldie, "you both look lovely. It's so adorable when couples dress alike."

There was a very awkward silence. "Um, my Lord…we're not a couple," said Lucius.

"Sure, darling. You just keep telling yourself that," replied the Dark Lord, and went to play with his Jack-in-the-Box.

* * *

Draco and Blaise sat in the Slytherin common room, while Draco complained about his cowardice.

"I want to ask him out Blaise, but I don't know how," whined Draco.

"Well, you know, sometimes the idea of something is better than the actual thing. Maybe if you just make out with Potter it will go away."

"But how do I do that?"

"Fear not, Draco, for the wondiferous Blaise has a plan."

Draco looked skeptical. "Wondiferous?" he said with raised eyebrows.

"Work with me here. Now listen," Blaise said. He had a rather maniacal glint in his eye. "Who's up for a game of magical Truth or Dare?"

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Ooh…a cliffhanger! You might have noticed that the color of the bean bag chair in this chapter was suggested by one of our wonderful reviewers. (Thank you!) We are now open for suggestions regarding the color of the bean bag chair. Because seriously…_we're running out of ideas._


	11. The Truth or Dare Game

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** Ugh…do we have to go through this AGAIN? We don't…own it…and…yeah. :cough: So, how 'bout them Yankees?

**Author's Notes:** Dear Lord, people…we are so sorry. We've been so busy with real life that we've taken ages to put up a chapter. We've been naughty. Slap us on the wrist. **Crouching Tigerlily:** The rump is fine too.

* * *

Chapter 11: Mwa ha ha ha ha…(AKA the truth or dare game) 

The wondiferous Blaise was busy with the magical truth or dare game invitations, while everyone else was scarfing down their bangers and mash. He had already written down the invitations and folded them into paper aero planes. One by one, he poked them with his wand, and off they went, whizzing to certain selected individuals from each of the houses. Potter, of course, was one of them.

It amused Blaise to no end that Draco was so obsessed with the Boy-who-Lived-in-Female-Form. Of course the object of the game was to hook up Draco and Harry, but Blaise was greatly anticipating the fun he was going to have with his best friend before the night was over.

Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione were staring curiously at the paper aero planes on their plates.

"Did you get one of these?" Ron said to Hermione.

"Yeah, I did," she replied.

Harry was staring at them with an incredulous expression on his face.

"Wait a minute…you guys hooked up!" he exclaimed suddenly, brandishing his fork at the pair. Ron and Hermione looked utterly shocked.

"Um…NO," said Hermione shiftily, averting her eyes.

"Don't lie to me, you guys," said Harry triumphantly. "I know these things."

"How do you do tha – how does he do that?" Ron said, turning to Hermione. Hermione repeated her age-old explanation of anything Harry did. "Ron, he's a girl."

Ron looked confused, "But…I don't know these things."

"Well, Ron, you're not a girl."

"Yes but…" Ron trailed off, looking hurt and somewhat jealous. "CAN ALL GIRLS DO THAT?"

Hermione shook her head, "Only the astute ones. Now, Harry—"

"What's astute?" Harry asked.

"Oh God…just keep it secret, okay?"

"Aw."

* * *

Harry and Hermione stood in their dormitory, pondering over the extremely urgent question of…what to wear. Harry took a look in his trunk and realised that he didn't have any bras left. None except… 

"Dear Lord," whispered Harry.

"What is it, Harry?" inquired Hermione, walking over to see what was making Harry stare with horror into his trunk.

"The balconette bra is all I have left…" whimpered Harry.

"So wear it," Hermione replied sensibly. "You'll look hot."

"But Hermione, they're already about six sizes too big!"

"Would you rather go without one?"

Harry groaned and picked it up.

* * *

Everyone had gathered in the Room of Requirement, and the game was just about to start, when Harry, Hermione, and Ron walked in, fashionably late (although Ron didn't quite understand the concept, but was reassured by the girl and the "girl" that it was perfectly acceptable.) 

"Perfect," said Blaise. "Everyone's here, we can begin. And by the way, girls…I mean…guys…um, people! You look gorgeous," he added. Harry blushed and tugged up the sleeves of his off-the-shoulder black top, at which point Hermione angrily yanked them back down and said, "Harry, leave them where they're meant to be!"

"Okay," continued Blaise. "We have Veritaserum for the Truths and the Dares are magically binding, according to a spell invented by our very own Hermione Granger…so you guys can't wimp out." He grinned devilishly and sat down, inviting everyone else to do the same.

In the center of the circle lay some bottles of Butterbeer. However, they were rather far away from Harry, so he crawled forward on his hands and knees to grab one. Draco looked, and immediately choked on the Butterbeer he was drinking – Harry had just exposed rather a lot of cleavage.

Blaise noticed this and rolled his eyes, wondering why Draco had suddenly gone Gryffindor on him. He wasn't even _attempting _to act nonchalant and hard-to-get!

"Alright, I'll go first," said Blaise. "Draco – Truth or Dare?"

Draco frowned, clearly not expecting to get right into the object of the game. "Um…I guess I'll start with Truth."

_Perfect._ Blaise grinned in a troubling way as Draco downed the Veritaserum. "Draco…who was the last person you had an erotic dream about? And tell us some of the…" he paused for dramatic effect…"finer points of the dream."

Draco looked murderous, but that annoying little potion forced him to answer. "Um…Harry Potter."

Blaise was delighted. "What, Draco…didn't quite catch that?"

"Harry…Potter."

"Come on now Draco, the whole group needs to hear."

"Harry Potter," Draco said through clenched teeth.

"Lovely." Blaise glanced across the circle and noticed with great amusement that Harry was absolutely appalled.

"Okay…finer points. Where did it take place?"

"Filch's office."

The whole room gasped in horror. Even Blaise was a little disturbed. "Okay, let's stop there."

"You bloody bastard," snarled Draco.

"Oh come on Malfoy, tell me what you really think," replied Blaise snarkily. "It's your turn."

Draco was furious, and looked for a suitable person to take his anger out on. "Ron Weasley," he sneered, "Truth or Dare?"

Ron looked Draco straight in the eyes. "Dare," he said bravely.

"Okay," said Draco as he rubbed his hands together. "Sing your favorite Muggle song…the whole thing."

Ron turned crimson and leaned back in horror. "I can't do that," he choked out.

Suddenly the air was full of "Come on Ron," and "It's just a dare," and other such things. Ron sighed in despair, covered his eyes with his hands, and sang…

"_When a man…loves a woman…"_

The whole room was rooted to the spot. Out of the Weasley's mouth came not a shy, embarrassed, discordant sound, but one of the most beautiful baritone voices ever to be heard in modern society.

"Damn, Weasley can sing," Blaise muttered under his breath.

"_Can't keep his mind on nothin' else…"_

The whole room sat transfixed as Ron sang the entire song, and when he was finished, they erupted into rapturous applause. He turned shyly over to Hermione, who was quite flushed and kept fanning herself.

"Oh…my…Ron," she said shakily.

Harry too, looked very impressed, he was smiling at Ron sweetly, and asked, "Ron! Why didn't you say you could sing!"

Draco seethed, and muttered to Blaise under his breath, "_I_ can sing."

Blaise snorted. "You're pathetic Draco."

"You are meant to be _helping_ me here! Not embarrassing me so much that I feel that I must castrate you!"

Blaise looked annoyingly smug as he glanced at Draco, with a suspiciously omniscient glint in his eyes. "All in good time, my horny friend, all in good time."

"You could just dare him to shag me and get it over with," grumbled Draco.

"Really, you have no subtlety. Well you used to," said Blaise, and added under his breath, "Until you decided to go all Gryffindor on me."

"I heard that, Blaise. I am NOT going Gryffindor on you."

"Oh please Draco – stumbling over your words, choking on butterbeer, getting into situations with him without thinking first…not to mention spying on him when he – "

"Alright!" said Draco loudly. "Weasley, pick someone!"

"Okay, I choose…Seamus." Said Ron. "Truth or Dare?"

"Dare," said Seamus, his eyes twinkling.

"Okay…kiss the person who takes the first sip of butterbeer after I say this."

As Ron said the dare, Blaise had just put the bottle to his lips. He froze, swallowed, and set the bottle down slowly. "Hey Finnigan," he said.

"Oh my," said Seamus. He raised an eyebrow and added, "Sup, Zabini?"

Dean, who had reached for his bottle of butterbeer right after Ron had finished speaking, frowned and said nothing. Seamus walked over to Blaise and gave him a quick peck on the lips. Blaise seemed unsatisfied and said, "Oh please…Weasley, how do you define kiss?"

"Make out, I don't care," said Ron absently. Dean seemed upset and said, "Seamus, you don't have to do it, you know. You've already done the dare."

"You know me, Dean," said Seamus cheerfully. "Who am I to wimp out?"

With that, he practically threw himself on Blaise and started passionately making out with him. Dean looked murderous. He narrowed his eyes and ground his teeth, causing half the room to stare at him. Ron turned to Hermione and whispered, "Is Dean homophobic or something?" Hermione merely groaned and covered her face with her hands. She sensed disaster.

Meanwhile, Seamus had finished ravishing Blaise's face, and sat down again. He turned to Dean and said cheerfully, "Are you okay? You look sort of…seething." Dean gritted his teeth and said, "Just don't even talk to me right now, Seamus."

"Jesus! I don't know why you're getting so jealous, it's just a game. Anyway," he said more loudly, "I choose…HARRY!"

Harry smiled shyly, looking up from beneath his long lashes. "I choose dare." He said sweetly.

"If Finnigan gives him anything sexual I will KILL him." Draco whispered under his breath to Blaise.

Blaise whistled, "Draco, it's fine to be attracted to someone but when you get jealous and possessive that means that you have progressed into something quite different and entirely worse…you LIKE him. LIKE like. LIKE like you want to go out with him and buy him chocolates and—"

"I get the point Blaise, now shut up, I think Finnigan has finished thinking."

And indeed he had. "Alright Harry! I dare you to TAKE OFF YOUR BRA and give it to the person you are most attracted to in this room."

Everybody's mouths dropped open.

"You can trust Finnigan to come up with something like this can't you?" Blaise whispered to Draco.

"BLAISE! This is not good—"

"Ahhhhh, Draco. Poor naïve Draco, this is GOLD. We can make this work to our advantage, never fear! The wondiferous Blaise has a plan."

Draco groaned. "Again?"

Meanwhile, Harry had somehow managed to turn several different but very pretty shades of red in a little under five seconds. He now reached into his top and rustled around, until he pulled out the lacey balconette bra, which was an equally pretty shade of pink.

Seamus nodded. "Good good. Now…give it to Mal—I mean, the person you're most attracted to."

Harry gulped and got up, and as he was walking Seamus said, "Oh, and did I mention? This person has to keep hold of it for the entire game."

A low wail escaped from Harry, who slowly, but surely, made his way over to one Draco Alexander Malfoy. His hands shook as he held out the bra. Draco took it from him in a very solemn and dignified way. Then slowly…very…very…slowly, he…placed it on his head. It obscured his entire face as he exclaimed, "Bloody hell, Potter, this thing is enormous."

Harry slowly walked back to Hermione, quietly whimpering as the room erupted in laughter. Hermione opened her arms to comfort her friend. However, he looked up with a determined and evil manner, and, crossing his arms above his girls (which were in full salute) he turned to Blaise and said, "Truth or Dare?"

Blaise decided to shield himself from attack from the vengeful Gryffindor. "Truth," he said wisely.

"Are you in a relationship?" asked Harry as Blaise swallowed the Veritaserum. "If so tell us about it, and if not, what was your last one like? Details, please," he finished, sounding alarmingly like Professor McGonagall demanding the answer to a review question.

"Alright, so for those of you who are deaf and blind, I'm a poof," Blaise said casually. "I am in a relationship – with a Muggle."

Draco looked utterly shocked and appalled. "Blaise! Why!"

Blaise ignored Draco and continued, "His name is…oh god…Sean Biggerstaff…and not for no reason," he added cheekily. "He's this thing that Muggles call an 'Actor,' and he works in these things called 'films' – "

"Wait, wait," said Draco, cutting him off and chuckling. "We're still enjoying 'Biggerstaff.'"

The whole room laughed. "Anyways," continued Blaise, "He, oddly enough, worked on a film about witches and wizards who go to a magical boarding school. Although, I've heard it's not a very good representation."

"What does he look like?" asked Harry eagerly, leaning in.

"He's got pale brown hair and pale skin and the most adorable Scottish accent," he said affectionately.

"And does he know that you go around kissing random boys at Truth or Dare games?" asked Dean icily.

Blaise said coolly, "He trusts me enough to not worry if I have to kiss someone, which is more than I can say for some people."

Harry looked sharply at Blaise. Did gay men have the sense too?

"How long have you been together?" Pansy asked.

"A year."

"A YEAR!" exclaimed Draco. "Why didn't you tell me?"

And so the game continued. People laughed, cried, and screamed when Pansy was asked to do a striptease for them. (Draco covered his face and screamed, "MY EYES! MY EYES!" much to Blaise's amusement) Eventually the game got around to Cho Chang. She chose dare.

"Alright…" Pansy said. "Make out with the person in the room you find most attractive."

Cho didn't say a word. She simply grinned, walked up to Dean, and kissed him. Dean was taken off guard, but eventually responded. Things were getting pretty heated when Cho pulled back and whispered to him, "You wanna take this upstairs?"

Seamus' left eye had been twitching the entire time. Finally, he exploded. He jumped up, pulled Cho away from Dean and yelled, "Get your filthy hands off my boyfriend, you bloody tart!"

…And there was silence. Very, very deep and uncomfortable silence.

Until the football – loving Muggle – born exploded. "YOU! You're one to complain! You just kissed another guy right in front of me! You can't be an insensitive bastard and a jealous prick all at the same time Seamus! God! You just drive me insane! I'm sick of your flirting with other guys AND girls and I'm SICK of the way you brush it off and tell me to stop being all controlling! It's not even the dares I mind, I agree with Zabini, we should be able to trust one another but until I can trust you we can't play games like this! And it can't be okay for you to do it and not me!"

Seamus looked shocked. "I'm sorry," he said "I just got so jealous."

"Well NOW YOU'VE HAD A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE YOU FUCKING WANKER!"

Everyone was shell shocked. There was utter silence until—

"Wait…Dean, you're gay?"

"Shut up Ron."

"But—"

"God! Yes! Yes! I'm gay! I'm a poof! I like boys! I'm a bender! I'm as gay as a three-pound note! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?"

"Um—"

"And I was, until recently, going out with that arsehole but I think circumstances have changed."

Seamus faltered. "You're-you're breaking up with me?"

Dean remained stone-faced. "Did I stutter?"

No one expected what happened next. Seamus let out a small gasp and tears rolled down his cheeks. He ran quickly from the room, pushing past Blaise and Draco. Dean looked deflated. The anger was gone from his face, replaced only by utter exhaustion. He sat down again and put his head in his hands. Cho crept over and tried to comfort him, but Dean angrily shoved her arm away.

"Piss off, Cho," he muttered, and she walked away looking hurt.

"Right, I think we'll end the game here," said Blaise, grimacing with pain as Draco stomped on his foot.

"Oh, God," said Draco, looking for all the world like a child who had been denied dessert. "Just… give this back to Potter, I'm leaving." With that, he threw the circus tent (sorry, the bra) at Blaise and stormed angrily from the room.

Blaise merely smiled as the students walked dejectedly from the room. He felt tempted to laugh maniacally. Everything was proceeding according to plan. When everyone else had gone, he walked outside and followed Draco, eventually finding him seething in a deserted hallway.

"Well that was fucking pointless," he snapped as soon as he caught sight of Blaise.

"Draco, Draco…" Blaise drawled imperiously. "Don't you see? You are in a very favourable position here."

"How? How? Explain to me how? Potter's never going to come near me again!"

"Oh, he will," replied Blaise smugly. "He will, because we still have…this." With that, he held up the circus tent (sorry, the bra).

It happened slowly. A smile appeared on Draco's lips. A maniacal glint grew in his eyes. "Mwa ha ha ha ha," he started to laugh. The laughter grew, and grew, and grew, and grew…until Blaise decided to back away slowly.

And, several corridors away…

"Hermione…I forgot to get my bra back."

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Ooh, a cliffhanger! Again! Well, not to give too much away, but we promise, you smut fans will get some action soon. All will be sorted out in the end. 

: Pause as the authors imitate Draco's evil laughter :


	12. I Got a Woman

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** If we said we wrote it, would you be weally weally mad? puppy dog eyes

**Author's Notes: **This is actually a new work space for us; we're not typing it in our usual place. Let's see how it affects this VERY VERY significant chapter…

* * *

Chapter 12: I Got a Woman

Harry lurked moodily by the entrance to the Slytherin common, crossing arms firmly across his ample bosom. It was the day after the truth or dare game and he was determined to get his bra back. The nerve of Malfoy actually keeping it! The nerve! THE BLOODY NERVE! Just then, Pansy walked by.

"Ohhh, Potter, looking for Malfoy? Want him to take your bra off _for_ you this time?" She said snidely.

Harry just looked at her coolly and said "My eyes! My eyes!"

Pansy frowned, and flounced off, just as Malfoy turned around the corner. He saw Potter and a small smirk appeared on his lips.

"So Potter, want me to take your bra off _for_ you this time?"

"Actually, no, I want the bra you _still have_ back, thank you!"

Malfoy sighed. "I thought so…Oh well, we'll have some fun later."

"Shut up! Take me to my bra."

"Aw, that's not the way I wanted to take you Potter."

"Malfoy…"

"Fine. Wait here."

Harry snorted. "Are you kidding? You could just run off, never to return! I'm coming with you."

"Oh fine!"

Malfoy walked up to the entrance, and hesitated. "Cover your ears Potter."

"No! You can change it when I'm gone."

Malfoy cleared his throat, and turned to the entrance and said, his voice only sounding slightly unstable. "Balconette."

Harry's eyebrows disappeared under his fringe. "I beg your pardon?"

But the door had already opened and Draco had already run inside. Harry proceeded cautiously, ignoring the strange looks, and the rather smug grin Blaise Zabini was bearing. Malfoy, with one foot on the stairs to the boys' dorm, turned and said, "Well, are you coming?" Blaise snorted.

Harry carefully picked his way through the sea of Slytherins and started up the stairs, saying nothing. When they reached the dormitory, Harry was surprised to see how clean and tidy it was. Most boys (and he knew, having been one) tended to live in comfortable squalor. Then again, Malfoy seemed like the obsessive compulsive type.

"Well, where is it?" He said impatiently.

Malfoy's cheeks turned pink. Then slowly, very, very slowly, he reached under his pillow and retrieved the bra.

Harry was horrified.

"What the...Now that's just creepy, why the hell was my bra under your bed!"

"Um, 'cause I couldn't get hold of any of your knickers?"

Harry spluttered. "I-what? How? Why—"

"Shush."

"But—"

"Potter, for once, be quiet and listen." Malfoy had started to advance on Harry. "I think you know full well why your bra was under my pillow."

"Um, um—"

"I said be quiet Potter." The aggression in Malfoy's voice was all too intimidating and incredibly sexy all at once. "Now listen, I know that you're attracted to me, so for once, stop being a Gryffindor that always has to be right, and rational, and just give in to something that may not be so conventional."

Harry realised with a start that Malfoy had backed him into a wall. Malfoy pressed himself into Harry and he let in a sharp intake of breath. He looked into the clerical grey eyes above him and felt his stomach turn over. Malfoy's face was now inches away from his.

"So, what do you say?" Malfoy whispered.

Harry arched into him and said passionately "Oh Malfoy!"

Malfoy smirked "So cliché, just like a Gryffindor." And with that he kissed Harry, roughly.

Harry moaned and wrapped his arms around Malfoy's neck. Malfoy held him close to his body, pulling Harry down onto his bed.

_Oh, this is nice, _Harry thought, as Malfoy stroked his hair and ran his other hand up and down his back. _This is so—hold the phone, is he…_Malfoy's hand was cupping one of Harry's breasts. _Okay…okay, that's fine, it's not that bad I suppose, I'll just um, let him. _Malfoy bit Harry's bottom lip gently, and then worked his way down to his neck, kissing all the while. Then, he began to nibble and suck on Harry's neck. "Ohh…Malfoy."

Malfoy stopped abruptly. "Call me Draco," he whispered.

Harry nodded and pulled him back down, enjoying himself too much to fully grasp the gravity of what Draco had just asked. He continued to arch his body into Draco's, feeling himself grow more and more excited with every minute that passed.

Then, Draco moved his hand from Harry's breast, and put it up his top, reaching under his bra. Harry leapt up, feeling very flustered and over-heated.

"What are you doing!" He squeaked.

Draco looked confused. "I'm sorry, I thought we were—"

"We were kissing! That doesn't give you the right to—"

"God! You are such a little virgin!"

Harry was taken aback. "Well, yes, I am, and if you wanted to get involved with me then you should have been more respectful of that."

"Potter, whoever said I wanted to get involved with you? Just because I'm attracted to you doesn't mean I want to get _involved_ with you."

"But…"

"God, you know the only difference between Gryffindors and toilet seats is that a toilet seat doesn't follow you around after you use it."

Harry's eyes welled up. "You bastard! You bastard!" And with that, he fled from the room, sobbing.

Draco took one look at him and said one single word. A word that adequately summed up the situation.

"Fuck."

Meanwhile Harry ran down the stairs and out of the common room. Blaise, upon seeing him dropped his hand in exploding snap and caused a minor implosion that took off half of Pansy's left eyebrow.

"What the FUCK did you do that for Blaise!"

Blaise leapt up. "For two reasons Pansy! One; did you see that Potter was crying or was it just me? And two; did you SEE that love-bite?"

Harry ran through the castle, sobbing uncontrollably. He didn't stop running until he had reached the fat lady.

"Are you alright dear?"

"Port-wine." Harry choked out between sobs. The portrait swung forward and Harry entered the common room. It immediately fell silent. Seamus said tentatively, "Harry, are you okay?"

"Where are Ron and Hermione?"

"I…think they're in the boys' dorm."

Harry nodded and ran up the stairs, completely missing Seamus' whisper of "Was that a love-bite?"

Harry burst through the door and sank to the ground, in complete hysterics. Ron and Hermione rushed to him.

"Oh my God! Harry, what's wrong?" Hermione looked concerned. Ron hugged Harry, and both of them listened as he choked out the entire tale. At the end of it, Ron's face was the deepest shade of red. He cracked his knuckles. "I'm going to KILL him! I swear to God I'll fucking kill him."

"No, please, just don't make it any worse than it already is!" Harry sobbed.

"Yes, Ron, if you do that we'll have shown Malfoy he affected Harry—"

"I think he could tell by the way I started CRYING!"

"Harry, listen, calm down, everything will be alright. Everyone is hurt once in a while by some arsehole that doesn't deserve them. Now ah…also, did you know that you have a huge love-bite on your neck?"

Harry gasped and pressed his hand to his throat. "Oh God! What am I going to do!"

"That's what polo-necks are for Harry."

"Okay."

"Now, do you want to go and eat some ice-cream together?"

Harry nodded, and they left the room. On her way out, Hermione whispered "I only said that so we didn't upset Harry, we're going to _get_ him Ron."

Ron nodded. "Good."

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Well, this chapter finally had some action in it, although some of it was sad. But don't worry; Draco only said those things because of his own insecurities. Oh, and for any Yanks reading out there, a love-bite is what the Brits call a hicky, and a polo-neck is what we call a turtle neck. We are actually going to try and get the next chapter out as soon as tomorrow to make up for the wait for this one. 


	13. Vengeance is Sweet

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** You guys…we did this two days ago! Must we say it again: JK appears in doorway wielding an all-too-familiar axe : They're not ours. Just put it down, okay?

**Author's Notes:** We're on a roll! We wrote chapter 12 just two days ago! Go us! And, just so you know, we're not giving away plot here, but we are going to write to the bitter end – that is, when the antidote (oh yes, there is an antidote) is discovered. And a little beyond that too. Heh Heh…

* * *

Chapter 13: Vengeance is Sweet (but not as sweet as revenge, ha ha…)

"You're a real prick, you know."

"What, Granger?"

Draco turned to face the two furious Gryffindors in the hallway, both of whom had their arms crossed and very angry looks on their faces. To Draco, it looked almost comical. Then again, he hadn't the slightest idea what was coming next.

"YOU, Draco Malfoy, are INHUMAN! You are the most DISGUSTING, APPALLING, INSENSITIVE **BASTARD** to ever walk the earth!"

"Tell me something I don't know," he replied snarkily.

"I cannot believe you did this to Harry! You are going to be so SORRY Malfoy! You know what? You don't even deserve him, you are a piece of shit, you're worse than shit, you're shit on a shoe, you are up shit creek without a shit paddle, and you are in so much trouble from Ron and I, you are SIX POUNDS OF SHIT IN A FIVE POUND BAG MISTER!"

Hermione stopped to catch her breath, her face an unhealthy shade of purple. Ron hovered hopefully behind her. When she had caught her breath sufficiently, she said three words to Ron: but three very important and dangerous words.

"Go ahead, Ron."

BAM! There was an explosion of white-hot pain on Draco's right eye. And then…BAM! Another on his left. He remembered only Ron's triumphant grin before the walls of the castle faded into blackness.

* * *

"You know you're never gonna live this down."

Draco sat on a bed in the hospital wing, disgruntled not even an adequate word to describe the look on his face. Blaise sat on a chair next to the bed, not even pretending to look concerned.

"I mean, Weasley knocked you out, Draco. WEASLEY!"

"Rub it in, Blaise, rub it in."

"Gladly. He gave you two pretty good shiners too."

"Fuck off and die."

"Well, what you did to Potter was pretty mean."

"WHAT? Blaise, you're my friend, you're supposed to be on my side!"

"I am on your side. Friends tell each other when they do something wrong."

"Wrong? I'm not wrong. I am never wrong, I'm Slytherin!"

"Right…"

"Potter wanted it so I gave it to him and we were kissing and I stuck my hand up his top, I didn't do anything wrong, I just got pissed off and said…"

"Some things you shouldn't have said?"

"NO!" said Draco defensively. "Just some things."

Suddenly, a very familiar voice floated through the ward. "Madame Pomfrey, do you have any Pepperup Potion, it's not for me, it's…"

Harry trailed off as he caught sight of Draco. It only took a moment for him to take in the two black eyes and the ice pack on his face. Harry bit his lip and attempted a curt expression.

"Malfoy," he said, his lips twitching.

"Go ahead, Potter, say it," Draco replied wearily.

"Say what?" said Harry innocently.

"What you're dying to say. Just go ahead and spit it out."

Harry tried again to keep a straight face, but it didn't work. First he giggled a bit, then the giggling turned to outright laughter. Soon, Harry was clutching his knees and gasping for breath as he screamed with mirth. He tried many times to regain control of himself, but every time he looked up at Draco, the laughter resumed. Finally, he just staggered out of the Hospital Wing, still giggling maniacally.

Draco was not amused.

Just then, Madame Pomfrey walked back into the ward, holding a steaming goblet of potion. "I wonder where Potter went?" she muttered distractedly.

"Madame Pomfrey," called Draco. "I wonder if you could fix the black eyes now."

"Oh, those are nothing, dear, you'll be fine," the nurse replied dismissively.

"But Madame Pomfrey, I have two black eyes!"

"Dear, you're fine. You can go back to class now."

"I don't believe it," Draco muttered to Blaise as soon as she had gone. But what Draco didn't know was that Madame Pomfrey had heard the entire story – including what he had done to deserve the punches. Madame Pomfrey happened to think that Draco deserved every bit of humiliation Hogwarts could offer him.

"Let him suffer," she murmured to herself.

"Little prick."

* * *

Harry walked into the Gryffindor common room, still laughing to himself. Then he noticed Ron and Hermione sitting in armchairs by the fire. He immediately ran up to Ron and gave him a bear hug (or as much of a hug as he could manage, considering his…um…lateral impairment.)

"Oh hi, Harry," said Ron. "What's all this about?"

"As if you don't know," beamed Harry. "I just saw Malfoy in the hospital wing."

"Oh…well…that," said Ron modestly.

"You should have seen it. Even Blaise was laughing at him."

Ron merely grinned evilly. Suddenly Harry turned to Hermione and said, "HEY! You never needed Pepperup potion at all, did you?"

"Oh…no," said Hermione.

"It is so good to see him in pain. I am just so happy!" said Harry, gleefully dancing a jig.

"Well, you've almost got it Potter," said Seamus, who had walked over. "But to really do Irish dancing you have to look like you've got a poker up your arse."

"Guess what, Seamus? Malfoy's in pain!"

"Is he now? Well, isn't that nice."

"Ron gave him two black eyes!"

"Did he now?" said Seamus, looking duly impressed. "Congratulations, Ron. Hey Neville," he called across the common room. "Ron just gave Malfoy two black eyes."

"It was nothing, really," said Ron, enjoying every moment. "He was just asking for it, the way he treated Harry." By this time, Neville had walked over and was also shaking Ron's hand. He then turned to Dean, who was studying on a couch nearby, and said "Hey Dean! Get over here." Seamus' sharp intake of breath next to him caused him to turn around abruptly. "I-I'm sorry Seamus, I forgo—"

"What's going on?"

"Dean!" Neville said rather excitedly, "Ron gave Malfoy two black eyes!"

Dean's look of unease quickly lifted as he turned away from Seamus, who was gazing intently at the floor, and gave Ron a hug, saying "Good on you mate!" Seamus' fists clenched into balls and Harry instinctively took his arm to calm him down. Dean turned around and caught Seamus' eye, very briefly, then walked away.

Seamus' face fell, and he too walked away, sitting down in a chair and massaging his temples distractedly.

"We NEED to get those two back together," said Harry.

* * *

The place was Voldemort's study. The time, was too late to be thinking about That Crazy Git with the Bean Bag Chair. The beanbag chair, was pink and purple striped with lime green spots.

"Severus…darling," drawled Voldie, brandishing…no, not a piña colada, but…a joint. Just then, Lucius walked in, coughing effeminately, and then catching himself and letting out a low, guttural "Ahem hem hem."

"My Lord," he inquired as he sat down. "What is this?" He then turned and waved at Severus, who waved back.

"You two really must try this stuff," Voldie continued. "It's called…mara-jew-ana. It's this mad plant that the muggles grow and then they roll it into little wand like things…and then they smoke it…it's really quite spiffing."

"For someone who Avada's muggles so often, my Lord," remarked Severus dryly, "You do seem to use a lot of their stimulants."

Voldie merely giggled. "Hee hee…you said _stimulants_…" He rolled his head back and blew a smoke ring. Severus edged a little closer to Lucius for fear of the stoned Dark Lord. Lucius edged a little closer back. Just to be friendly.

"Oh, Lucius, look, look…_Avada Kedavra!"_ And with that, the Crazy Git began shooting green light in all directions. Lucius and Severus ducked and edged even closer, fighting the urge to run screaming out of the room like little girls.

"My Lord, maybe this isn't the best time…" said Lucius.

"Yes, yes, we'll be back later…" agreed Severus, and they both fairly sprinted toward the door.

"Wait, wait…don't you want to know my, hee hee, plan?"

"Yes, my Lord?" Severus said impatiently.

"One word, Severus…one word…spiders…arachnids…eight-legged beings…"

"Actually, my Lord," said Lucius, "That was three words and one hyphenate."

"Details, details…" he said, blowing another smoke ring. "The important thing is…girls don't like spiders."

"My Lord, shouldn't we have a back up plan, that one might not be the best-"

"Lucius, can you tell the walls to stop breathing? They just won't listen to me."

"Ready, Lucius?" Snape whispered. "One…two…three." With that, he grabbed Lucius' hand and dragged him into the hallway. They looked at each other and burst out laughing, then realised they were still holding hands. They let go very quickly.

"Erm…well, yes, quite," said Lucius uneasily.

"Yes, absolutely," said Snape, and they hurried off in opposite directions.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** So many people gave in suggestions for the bean bag's color that we can't decide which one to use! We're mixing. And anyway, we thought it fit Voldie's state of mind at the moment…or lack thereof. Another chapter will be up soon… 


	14. Bonding and Breaking

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer: **Okay…Hello, our name is Sadisticblondlettes and we are Harry-holics. We are sorry! We love them…but we don't own them. We need to get our lives back.

**Author's Notes:** So…we don't really have much to say. Just read.

* * *

Chapter 14: Bonding and Breaking

Harry gazed at his Transfiguration notes. He was sitting by the lake after class, it was a beautifully sunny day but it all felt a bit bright and glaring. He knew he should be reading his notes, but he could not force himself to actually take in the words. Instead, he decided to brood. Like a kicked puppy.

"Hey Harry, what's with the kicked puppy routine?" The Irish brogue was unexpected but not unwelcome.

"Hey Seamus," Harry replied. "How are you?"

"I'm…alright. I suppose." Seamus was acting scarily subdued and melancholy.

"Is it Dean?"

Seamus nodded. Harry edged closer to him. "Do you want to talk?"

Seamus let out a slow and rattling breath. "I really miss him Harry. So fucking much."

"Seamus…I'm sorry."

"No. Don't feel sorry for me. It's my fault. I was such an idiot."

"Yeah, kinda."

"I think I love him."

"You need to give him time Seamus. You really hurt him and he needs his space. The way you were acting…well, he didn't feel like you loved him."

"I wasn't trying to hurt him! I just…got scared. You know, Dean and I were best friends and now suddenly he's all possessive—"

Harry cleared his throat.

"_Protective_ then. And I wasn't used to it. Sometimes I got a bit freaked out and it was just easier to flirt then to deal with the fact that I felt that attached to someone."

Harry sighed. "Well, if he was possessive then you were too. And it wasn't fair to him that you were allowed to and he wasn't."

"I know." A small smile crept to Seamus' lips. "I'm such a bitch." The smile grew larger. "So Harry, who gave you that love-bite?"

"Um, well, you—Stop changing the subject!"

"Was it Malfoy?"

"I said stop changing it!"

"Now who's changing the subject? Come on Potter I won't tell anyone." The puppy dog eyes were awful…he…must…resist.

"Um…fine, yes, okay, he did."

"I KNEW IT!"

"Shut up Seamus. It did not go well."

Seamus frowned. "Why?"

"You're not disgusted with me?"

"Fuck no! He's very hot in that 'evil prince of darkness come hither' way."

"Mmmmm, I know…but he's Malfoy. And Malfoy prick."

"Ah yes, there is that. So what happened?"

"He used me. There's not much else to the story. He tried to…you know…and the he insulted me and said he didn't really care."

"Well, that's a load of bullshit. I've been watching Malfoy for a while and believe me Harry, he cares about you more than he'd care to admit. But wait…'you know'? He tried to…_you know?_"

"Well…that's where it was going!"

"Ah. Just wait, he'll come crawling back."

Harry smiled. "Thanks Seamus."

"So…did he have a big di—"

"SEAMUS!"

* * *

Draco watched, seething, as Finnigan made a move on his girl – wait, boy – wait…as Finnigan made a move on Potter! And wait…was Potter _moving closer to him?_ The nerve of the bloody Irishman!

"The nerve of the bloody Irishman!" he whispered to Blaise, who was sitting next to him.

"Hmmmwah?" Blaise awoke from what had been a comfortable doze and looked at Draco blearily.

"He's making a move on Potter!"

"Oh for fuck's sake Draco! Finnigan is gay! GAY! And even if he wasn't you no longer have any right to be possessive of Potter—you broke _his_ heart, remember?"

"No I did not! Why would you say such a thing! I simply tried to get some action without any emotional attachment involved!"

"Oh yes Draco, I haven't the FOGGIEST idea of why Potter was upset."

"Oh shut up. I don't need him anyway."

"Oh yes, but you _want _him, right?"

Draco nodded. And he would have him. Malfoys always got what they wanted.

* * *

_Those billowing robes…those penetrating eyes…that strong nose…that big—_

"OH MY GOD!"

"What is it Luci?" The simpering voice of his near brain-dead wife caused him to flinch. _What a way to wake up in the morning._ "Nothing dearest, go back to sleep."

"Okay Luci-kins." _Ugh. I detest that woman. I detest women. Wait a minute…WHAT!_

Lucius Malfoy leapt out of bed and headed towards his private study. He knew it was much too early for brandy…much too early. Maybe the vodka would be okay. Or the scotch. Or some straight up ethanol.

"Oh dear." He sank into his favorite chair (custom designed by Terrance Conran—lovely fellow, anyway) and allowed his head to descend into his hands.

"Oh God," He whimpered. "What the fuck is going on?" He couldn't believe that he had had a dream about Snape of all people! Why not Pamela Anderson? Or his WIFE perhaps? Better yet, WHY NOT ANYONE OF THE FEMALE GENDER?

"Oh God." He moaned yet again. He strode over to his fire and pulled a pinch of Floo powder from the ornate silver box on the mantle. He threw it into the fire and stuck his head in, saying clearly "The office of Severus Snape." As soon as he said it his head was propelled into a dimly lit but wonderfully decorated office.

"Severus!" He called. Snape was working at his desk, he did not look up as he said "Yes Lucius?"

"I'm gay aren't I?"

"Yes dear."

"Do you…want to go out some time?"

Severus laid down his quill. Lucius gulped. "Only if you pay. I don't make a King's ransom working for Dumbledore." He smiled, looking over his shoulder at Lucius' head in the fire. "And rather a lot of my income is spent on shoes and Terrance Conran furniture."

"I LOVE Terrance Conran!"

* * *

Harry watched as Ron thwarted yet another attempt to defeat him in Wizard's chess. No one would thwart Ron. He was un-thwartable.

"Hey Harry."

"Oh, hello Dean."

"Mind if I sit here?"

"Not at all, go ahead."

"So…"

"So…"

"So—"

"Dean. You miss Seamus don't you?"

"Very much so—and how do you always do that?"

"It's a gift, what can I say?" Harry glanced around to make sure Seamus was not within earshot. "He's sorry you know."

Dean sighed. "He probably is, and then he'll do it again and he'll be sorry then as well."

"I don't think so, I think he's serious about you."

"Seamus and serious don't belong in the same sentence. What was I thinking? He'll never fall in love with me."

"But he has—oh." The girl in Harry blurted it out before he could even think about respect for privacy or any of that tosh.

Dean cocked his head. "What?"

"I think you need to speak to Seamus."

"But what if he's mad at me for breaking up with him?"

"I think he knows he got what he deserved…but he also deserves a second chance. Everyone makes mistakes."

Dean stood up. "You're right." And with that he strode over to Seamus and locked him in a passionate kiss. Seamus looked up. "Does this mean we're back together?"

Dean smiled. "Did I stutter?"

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Yay! Finally they're back together! And Lucius is no longer trapped in the closet! W00t! 


	15. Ain't No Sunshine

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** We're not in the mood…we don't own it okay? Leave us alone to our Valium…

**Author's Notes:** We are so sorry about the long wait for this chapter. We typed it up ages ago, but there was a problem with the document…it wouldn't upload, transfer, or even open. We ended up losing the entire document and this is our second version, because we had to type it over. Sorry! (Damn computers…)

* * *

Chapter 15: Ain't No Sunshine

It was lunchtime. And when it was lunchtime, Ron had no time for anything else…except lunchtime. He was walking to the Great Hall in anticipation of his meal, when he spotted something entirely different…prey. To anyone with an untrained eye, the creature would look like the proverbial raccoon in headlights. Ron, however, recognised the shock of blond hair, and knew that it was none other than Draco Malfoy.

Draco, also recognising the red-haired predator, tried to slip away unnoticed…but too late. "My, Malfoy…how are you on this fine Tuesday afternoon?" called Ron jovially. He walked up to the raccoon (I mean Draco) and, drawing himself up to his full height of 6-foot-3, smiled winningly at him.

Draco's eyes widened, heightening the raccoonish image and making the overall picture even more pathetic. Taking a deep breath, he drew himself up to his full height of…5-foot-10.

Ron continued to grin.

"Eep," said Draco quietly. He backed away slowly, and when he was out of Ron's way, darted away like the raccoon that he was.

Ron waited until Malfoy had gone, then proceeded to dance a jig, all the while singing "Malfoy is afraid of me! Malfoy is afraid of me!" in his oh-so-melodious baritone voice.

Hermione appeared from behind the double doors and said, "Ron, you're going to be afraid of me if you don't stop dancing."

Ron turned around and smiled. "But I already am afraid of you."

"Oh good," replied Hermione, and pulled him in for a passionate kiss. Ron wrapped his arms around her, picked her up, and spun her around, kissing her all the while.

From around the nearest corner…

Malfoy stood, watching the merriment with deepest misery. "Even the Weasel's happy!" he moaned.

* * *

In the Great Hall, Harry sat between Seamus and Dean. They were having an animated discussion on the pros and cons of a relationship with the Prince of Darkness. (Or rather, Seamus and Dean were having an argument, and Harry was in the middle, silently watching because he couldn't get a word in edgewise.)

"Listen, Harry," Seamus said, "It's obvious that Malfoy really likes you. He wouldn't be making such a fuss otherwise! I'm telling you; Malfoy has the major hots for Harry Potter! So you take that sexy bull by his sexy horn…s."

"Now look, Harry. So he's sexy. What does it matter if he doesn't want a real relationship? You want commitment – you saw how he used you, he's not worth it."

"That's a load of shite Harry! C'mon, even if you just get a quick fling out of this—isn't it worth it to have _Draco Malfoy_? That man is sex on a stick! And he's blonde!"

"So what if he's blonde?" replied Dean pointedly. "Harry, he's a wanker. Lust can only get you so far in a relationship – "

"Well if it can get you as far as into the bed of _Draco Malfoy—_the hottest young blonde—"

"Will you GIVE IT UP WITH THE BLONDE SEAMUS! All I'm saying is, no matter how sexy a guy is, it's not worth the stress if all he's going to do is use you. You've got morals, Harry! Where are your morals!"

"You don't need morals when it comes to BLONDES! _Natural_ blondes at that, do you know how rare natural blondes are nowadays? I mean, I prefer black guys my—"

"You _better_ prefer black guys, Seamus – "

"But I – "

"Don't even – "

"Dean!"

"Seamus!"

"You guys are so cute when you argue!" Harry squeaked delightedly, hugging them both.

* * *

"So…he thinks he can have BOTH OF THEM!"

Over at the Slytherin table, Draco was staring at Harry. Sandwiched between two men. _That boy…girl…person has no shame_. "What does he want?" he whispered to Blaise, who was sitting next to him reading the _Daily Prophet._ "Some kind of kinky ménage-a-trois?"

"Draco." Said Blaise, putting down his paper and sounding quite long-suffering, "Seamus and Dean are both gay. GAY. They are the most flamboyant couple in this school. Potter is a fag-hag. Nothing more." Seeming quite satisfied with his explanation, he again took up his paper.

At the Gryffindor table, Seamus and Dean were again talking with Harry. "Speak of the devil…" Seamus said. "Harry, don't look now, but the Prince of Darkness is watching you." Harry turned around to look, but Seamus said "No." He then leaned into Harry, stroked his arm with one finger, and lowering his voice to a seductive whisper, said, "I'm totally not flirting with you, but if I say it like this, it will look like I am."

"O-oh," Harry said, smiling mischievously. Dean immediately caught on and leaned in, raising his eyebrow and tucking the dark hair behind his ear. "Can you giggle?" he whispered.

Harry obliged.

Meanwhile, Draco was watching this scene with the utmost fury. He squeezed the unfortunate orange in his hand, until the pressure was such that a thin stream of juice squirted out of the orange, straight over the newspaper, and into Blaise's left eye. He promptly screamed, "AHH! MY EYE!" He writhed around in his seat, eventually falling under the table, where he used the water spell to wash his eyes out.

Draco did not notice. Seamus was running his finger along Harry's arm. "On three," Seamus said to Harry, "I want you to flip your hair." Harry giggled at the idea. Across the room, Draco growled.

"One," whispered Seamus, tracing Harry's bottom lip with his middle finger. The poor orange was now pulp in Draco's hand.

"Two," said Dean, as he slowly pulled Harry's face in towards his. The orange became Tropicana orange juice.

"Three," whispered Seamus and Dean together.

Harry flipped his hair.

For Draco, it happened in slow motion. He watched with ever-increasing jealousy as Harry's raven tresses floated in the air, the face turned towards him for what seemed like a lifetime and a second all at once. The orange, not willing to stand Draco's abuse anymore, flew out of his hand in a desperate bid for freedom and made a nest in Blaise's right eye. Draco heard Blaise scream (in slow motion) "Argh! Citric acid!" and there was a thump as he disappeared under the table again. Draco did not turn to help his friend – he just watched as Harry's shining dark hair cascaded down his shoulders and came to rest, finally, on the back of his neck.

And then suddenly, real time set in. Blaise was squealing on the floor, not having bothered to reach for his wand this time, still screaming "AHH GOD! CITRIC ACID!" Draco thought it very selfish of Blaise that to him, Draco's pain meant nothing.

"Oh, stop that bloody crying, Blaise. You sound like a baby." And then a second later…

"What the hell is citric acid anyway?"

* * *

Blaise sat in the Slytherin common room, reading a letter from his boyfriend and smiling.

_Dear Blaise,_

_Hey boo. How's everything with you? I'm so bloody tired; I've been filming all week. The amount of scary fangirls trying to give me their underwear has risen to an obscene number. Really. Why, yesterday one of them even tried to grab the Bigger Staff. Don't worry, your property is still intact. The fangirls are awful Blaise. Grrr. I wonder what they would think if they knew I had a gay wizard boyfriend? _

_They'd probably start sending you underwear too._

_Anyway, how is life at Hogwarts? How's that friend you were telling me about…Draco is it? Is he still in the closet? _

_Hope to see you soon._

_Smooches,_

_Sean (Commander and pilot of the Bigger Staff)_

_XXX_

Blaise grinned and searched in his bag for parchment and a quill. As he did this, he tried to think of an answer to Sean's question about Draco – one that would not confuse his Muggle mind. When he had decided on an adequate one, he sat down again to write.

_Dear Sean,_

_Damn those fangirls. How dare they manhandle my property – only I get to manhandle the Bigger Staff. It better be in good condition, by the way – it's in for some exercise when I come home._

_About Draco's sexuality? He's in love with a transsexual, so no one's really sure. He's been quite irritating the last few days – moping and bitching every chance he gets. Other than that, Hogwarts is a hoot and a half. I am sorry I can't see you for Christmas break, but Draco will annoy me to death with his moping and bitching if I don't do something about it. I can't wait till Easter!_

_Snuggles,_

_Blaise (Owner and General of the Bigger Staff)_

_PS – don't ever call me boo._

Blaise finished his letter and set it aside to send later. He looked over to an otherwise deserted corner of the common room, to find Malfoy doodling hearts on his Transfiguration notebook and singing woefully.

_"Ain't no sunshine when he…she…it's gone_

_and it ain't warm when it's away_

_ain't no sunshine when it's gone_

_and it's always gone too long_

_anytime it goes away…"_

"Oh god," muttered Blaise, rolling his eyes. If only for the sanity of the rest of the Slytherin house, this had to stop.

* * *

"Granger. We need to talk."

"What about, Zabini?" said Hermione skeptically. They were in the hallway outside the Charms classroom and the rest of the students had already gone inside, leaving the two alone in the hallway.

"We need to talk about Draco and Harry."

"Why, Zabini?"

"Because Draco is driving me insane with his moping! It has to stop."

"Why should I help you, Zabini? Or Draco, for that matter? Draco broke Harry's heart, he can't get back together with him."

"Please, Granger!" cried Blaise desperately, grabbing her by the shoulders. "He's singing Muggle songs! MUGGLE SONGS!"

"Well. What's wrong with muggle songs? _I_ like Muggle songs!"

"As do I. Just…_Draco_ doesn't sing Muggle songs."

"But he sings Ray Charles."

"Ray Charles is neither here nor there, Granger. It's the PARTICULAR song that worries me."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Well what song is it?"

Blaise glanced around furtively and then whispered in hushed tones, "_Ain't No Sunshine!_"

"Dear God!" breathed Hermione.

"DoYOU SEE?"

"Well…yes, but still, why should I help you?"

"Do you want Harry to start singing that song too?"

And as if on cue, from inside the classroom a very distinct and feminine hum of 'Ain't No Sunshine' was heard.

"Let's get started." Hermione said, with a grim determination.

* * *

Author's Notes: Yay! It's finally done! Woohoo :Happy dances with Nagini: 


	16. Wine and Shagging

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** Oh dammit, I hate these bloody witty disclaimers…

**Author's Notes:** We're sorry for the long wait, but we've had too much of normal life to deal with recently. We have to get back on track before Tigerlily goes to England for the summer…boo hoo! PS- this chapter has a bit of R-rated sex language.

* * *

Chapter 16: Wine and Shagging

_I can't believe I'm actually doing this._

Lucius Malfoy sat at a table, across from Severus Snape. As in, his son's Potions Master. As in, a fellow Deatheater. As in, a male! But the place was lovely. It was wonderfully and tastefully decorated, with candles floating near the ceiling and above the tables. It was near noon, and they were both sipping wine. Outside, the sun shone brightly into the airy cafe.

"So…" Lucius said, after clearing his throat several times. "Lovely weather…"

"Oh yes the weather's lovely and this wine has a delicious flavour and I'd like to shag you silly," said Severus, all the while with an innocent smile on his face.

Lucius choked on his wine, his face turning red. "I _beg_ your pardon?"

Severus sipped his wine with a sadistic grin. "Oh, I was just commenting on the weather and how I'd like to mount you against a wall."

Lucius' face was now purple. He cleared his throat many more times, before saying, "Now, come come, Severus…"

"How many times, darling?" Severus replied, leaning in and smiling.

"Severus, you're like a bloody American with your innuendos!" said Lucius uncomfortably, brandishing a perfectly manicured finger.

"I'm sorry, would you prefer I be more direct?"

"Well…I don't know!" Lucius said irritably, sounding like a child having a tantrum.

"Well, let me make the decision for you," said Severus. He put down his wine, leaned across the table, and kissed Lucius forcefully.

To say Lucius was shocked would have been a gross understatement.

After a moment, Severus pulled away and looked at the blonde across the table. There was a long pause.

"You know, Severus…I really do agree with you, the wine is quite good."

* * *

Hermione skulked around in the back of the library, not particularly wishing to be seen with Zabini. She passed the time by studying the book titles stumbling slightly over a book that seemed to be a about humans and fish coexisting peacefully—until Zabini tapped her on the shoulder.

"I wouldn't bother if I were you Granger, I read it, and let's just say that some of the fundamentalist purebloods actually have a basis for their case in George Bush."

"Er—right. So how are we getting these two hopeless idiots back together?"

"Christmas is coming." Zabini's mischievous grin widened.

"Very true. You think we should plan this around the holiday?"

"Well everyone gets mushy and nostalgic if they're alone on Christmas. It's the perfect time to push them together. I can just hear Draco now," Zabini took in a deep breath and continued in a high-pitched nasal whine "'Why am I always alone on Christmas? Nobody loves me, wah wah.'"

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Quite."

"So….what do you think they'll fall for?"

"Well neither one is acting particularly intelligent as of late."

Zabini snorted. "You don't say."

And so they proceeded to plot, long into the night…well, for the next ten minutes until Madam Pince kicked them out for cackling evilly too loudly.

* * *

"Ow!" Harry rubbed his head where Ron's paper aero plane had hit him. They were all sitting in the potions classroom, and, to the mutual amazement of all, Snape was not there in class. No note. No ridiculously hard assignment. No points from Gryffindor.

What was going on?

"I wonder where Snape is? It's not like him to miss a day of terrorizing me."

"No, it isn't." Ron scratched his head. "Curious…"

"Oh well, he's always he's always picking on me, it's nice to get a break." And with that, he pulled out a chocolate frog.

Draco could not resist.

"I thought something was different about you Potter. Gained weight? Just a bit of course…I mean, don't worry, I'm sure _hardly_ anyone will notice."

"MALFOY! I am so sick of you always picking on me about my weight. And _come on,_ pot-calling-kettle-black. Can you say man-boobs?"

The entire room turned around. And laughed. At Draco.

"**_POTTER_**!"

"Bring it, Malfoy. Do you wanna take this outside? We need to settle this once and for all. I may be a girl, but I can still kick your arse."

Draco had a very strange expression on his face. "Potter, are you channeling Missy Elliot?"

"What are you talking about, Malfoy? Get your aristocratic arse outside this classroom!" Harry turned and walked out the door, leaving it open. Draco, who had never been laughed at in his entire life, followed the man-girl.

Blaise, not even bothering to look up from his letter from Sean, said, "How long before they hook up?"

To the immense surprise of all, Ron turned to him and said "Five minutes. Tops."

"Malfoy, do you take pleasure in insulting my figure! Because you seemed quite fond of my figure at one point!"

"Well – "

"I have had it with your random insults! What did I ever do to you? Are you some kind of sadist? Are you? ARE YOU!"

"Potter, when do I mean the things I say?"

"How should I know? I can never tell! One minute, you're all kissy-kissy smelly-smelly, then you're telling me I have fat thighs, you steal my bra, you lure me into your room with it and act all sexy and domineering, then you get pissy because I don't want to put out on the first date! It wasn't even a date! It was a sleazy make-out session in your room!"

"Potter, you're a boy! You're a boy who got accidentally transformed into a girl! Did you ever think we were going to be in a long-term caring relationship? Did you?"

"Well I'm glad it didn't work out, because I would rather spend the rest of my life in this broom closet then be in a long-term relationship with you!" With that, he threw open the door of the nearest broom closet for effect. His jaw dropped beyond the floor, and an expression of horror crossed his face. He immediately slammed the door shut, and looked at Draco in utter astonishment.

"What?" Draco said.

"N-n-nothing," Harry choked out. "Nothing at all."

"What?" Draco said again, and opened the door.

There, among the cleaning potions and mops, were two of the worst people to find in a broom closet together. Draco's extremely naked father was shoved against the wall by an extremely naked Professor Snape, and they were doing extremely naked things together.

"Professor Snape?" Draco whispered in horror. "_Daddy?"

* * *

_

**Author's Notes:** Sorry about the excessive disturbingness. The extremely disturbing thing is that we're not even Snape/Lucius shippers, so this is disturbing for us. And also funny. We will try to have another chapter up very soon. Also – we believe that both Harry and Draco are extremely sexy and not fat – just very bitchy.


	17. Spiders, Arachnids

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** It's been such a long time, we've forgotten how to write one – let's give this a try. We do not own any of the characters or places in Parry Hotter (wait…something's wrong here…)

**Author's Notes:** WE'RE BACK!

Also, we would like to settle something once and for all. We KNOW that Louis Armstrong originated the song "What a Wonderful World." Just as we also know that Ray Charles covered it. This is the version we were referring to. So we would dare say we know our music a bit better than certain people who claim we "pulled a random black musician out of our ass." You can't just pull Ray Charles out of your ass. You'd have to have an amazing ass.

But here we are, we were gone for the summer, but now we're back with the aftermath of that wonderful cliffhanger we left for you guys to chew on…By the by, seems to be having some trouble with putting divides in so we're using brackets...sorry.

( divide )

Chapter 17: Spiders…Arachnids…Eight-Legged Beings! (and curlers)

Ahh…the weekly Deatheater meeting. A regular chance to compare manicures, discover who had hooked up with whom, and debate about what crazy stunt the Crazy Git would pull this week. It was also a chance to collectively gag at the bean bag chair, which this week was printed with Care Bears. They all collectively gagged.

At which point Voldie swept in imperiously, clutching a piña colada. He waved his wand and conjured a black board in the room. With another wave, a meeting schedule appeared on the board, written in childlike, unintelligible handwriting.

Severus rolled his eyes.

"Right then, all," said Voldie. "Let's get started." Pointing at the first unreadable line, he said, "First off, we need to buy more piña colada. I can't remember which one of you was supposed to get more, but somebody slacked off, and they will pay. With blood or possibly testicles. That does not exclude you, Bellatrix," he said pointedly as the smirk slid off her face. "You'd be surprised how long you could live with only one breast. And you'd also look quite lopsided. Next – we're also running low on mara-jew-ana. Someone needs to go to that nice Muggle pusher on the corner and get me some. I get my best ideas from that stuff…teehee, stimulants…"

The Deatheaters looked at their Lord and Master strangely. He cleared his throat and began again – "Also – MacNair, you have got to stop leaving your axe in the pool. It's getting all rusty and I do not want to be there when the tears start. And for anyone who was wondering, Severus and Lucius are now an item. Anyone who wants to say 'I told you so' can drop a note in my Suggestion Box and I will forward the message to them after the meeting."

There was stunned silence. All the eyes in the room turned to a mortified Lucius – Snape was looking rather pleased with himself. His facial expression practically screamed, _Yeah, bitches! I got a hot blonde. What do you think of that? _

Voldie had not noticed the shift of attention and continued his meeting. The writing was wiped away from the board, to be replaced with more writing that was a bit more readable. It now looked like a child had written it with a strict grammar teacher breathing down his neck. The top read "Plans 4 da deestruction of da Potter boi" and listed things like, "attack with houmus and hope he is allergic to chickpeas/garlic, too-tight bra, get the bra vultures on our side…" and other such things.

"Now," said Voldie, "These are all Plan B. Our first course of action will be along the line of spiders, arachnids and eight-legged beings. That is all. See you next week. Who's getting my dope?"

"I will, My Lord," said Bellatrix, hoping to remain double-breasted.

"Perfect. The pusher's name is TJ Zeppelin, and he wears really spiffy chains all over his jeans."

"Yes, my Lord."

"Perfect. Off you go now. Chop chop!"

Bellatrix got up, looked down at her chest, and muttered, "The things I do for you…"

When everyone else had left, Lucius promptly rounded on the Dark Lord and said, "HOW COULD YOU, MY LORD?"

"Lucius, darling, everyone was going to find out eventually. And besides, I had a bet on, and I was right, I need to collect. Severus wasn't being too quiet about it either," he added, seeing Severus smirk smugly (alliteration!).

"But My Lord…" Lucius protested, "I'm a married man!"

"Narcissa is braindead, Lucius. You could probably walk up to her and say, 'darling, I've just had a fun round of sodomy with Snape,' and she'd say, 'I like chardonnay.'"

"But…but she's still got feelings!" Lucius said lamely.

"Lucius." Severus interjected. "Think about it. Now you don't have to go through coming out to everybody. The Dark Lord's done it for you."

"But…"

"There there," Severus said soothingly, "We'll go shag in a broom closet somewhere and everything will be fine."

"But we can't do that, Severus, Draco's completely traumatised!"

"Aah yes, the baggage…" Snape muttered under his breath. "I'll talk to him."

As they walked out of the room, the Crazy Git sank into his bean bag chair and said to Nagini, "_Come to think of it, I like chardonnay."_

( Divide )

"Well, you see Draco, it happened like this." _Why did I agree to this…the measures you'll go to keep a natural blonde._ "Okay, so, we were getting some cleaning potion from the broom closet, and your father slipped…which…er…resulted in some of his clothes catching on a broom handle and consequently being somewhat…removed. So he, in an attempt to break his fall, grabbed onto _my _clothes which of course ended up in them being…_also_ removed. I then noticed that some of your father's clothes had _lodged_ themselves—and this will sound a little kooky—in his throat. So, I, thinking _only_ of his safety, attempted to remove them…with my tongue. Now, here's where it gets _really_ interesting—"

"Professor." Draco held up his hand. "I'm not an idiot. I know what's going on. You can tell me the truth."

"Very well, Draco." He sat down at his desk in a business-like manner and folded his hands. "Your father and I were making hot sweet sweet love before you found us."

Draco gagged. "Too…much…truth! TOO MUCH TRUTH!" He then ran screaming from the dungeons.

Snape shrugged. "Could have been worse."

( Divide )

Draco stomped angrily through the streets of Hogsmeade, looking for anything to take his mind off the horror of what he had just been told. His eyes fell upon the Hog's Head, and he decided that now had never been a better time to try to get past the barman and get as pissed as was bloody possible before they found out he was a student.

He walked into the dim and dingy bar, sat down heavily on a stool, and said, "A Firewhisky, please." The barman didn't glance at him. _Score._ The smoking glass had been placed in front of him, and he was about to take a sip when he heard a somewhat high-pitched "Draco Malfoy! What is in that glass?"

Draco froze and turned in the direction of the voice. His father was sitting at a corner table, wearing his best robes and fondling something that looked oddly like a whip. Draco shuddered. "Um…nothing, father."

"Come here, Draco."

"You're not here meeting Professor Snape are you?"

"Um…NO…" said Lucius, looking extremely shifty-eyed. "I thought Severus talked to you."

"Well, Father, he didn't so much talk to me as fill my brain with very scary mental images that will one day cost you thousands of Galleons in therapy bills."

"Ah."

"Indeed."

The silence spiraled uncomfortably until Draco finally burst out, "But what about Mum? Why didn't you tell us? Didn't you ever love her?"

"Well, you see Draco, the reason your mother and I got married was not so much for love-"

"Ah," said Draco knowingly, "Was it some sort of Pureblood arranged marriage?"

His father looked very much like he wanted to melt into his chair. "Well…not quite…you see, after a particularly wild night…at a party…your mother and I ended up…together…in a size 20 cauldron."

"Father!"

"So 3 or 4 months later, your mother shows up and tells me…well…" he gestured vaguely at Draco.

Draco looked absolutely stunned. "Are you saying I'm a _bastard?"_

"No, no, you were _born_ inside the blanket, you just weren't conceived in it!"

Draco opened his mouth to say more, but at that point, Snape appeared at the side of their table, also wearing his best robes and carrying what looked suspiciously like a can of whipped cream in his bag. Once more, Draco shuddered.

Severus, however, looked very confused. "Draco, how…what…I mean, how…why? Why?"

Draco looked quite disgusted and said, "I think I…left something up…at the castle…possibly what's left of my sanity," and on that note, he fled.

( Divide )

It is a well-known fact that when something at Hogwarts is meant to be a secret, everyone knows within the hour. At Potions class the following week (the last week of term before Christmas break) there seemed to be a constant buzz of conversation, of which the most common words were "Snape," "Malfoy," and "Broom closet." Poor Draco suffered through each class by concentrating on his work and making eye contact with no one.

He had a brief spell of mild amusement when he overheard a snatch of conversation between the much-talked-about Gryffindor couple, Hermione and Ron.

"Oh, Ronnie, stop it, how can you be so jealous?"

For a moment Draco thought _Ew, Ronnie?_ But then was intrigued by the subject of the sentence.

"Hermy, I think I have a right to be jealous if you're hanging around with a Slytherin boy and not telling me why! Blaise? Come on!"

"Look Ronnie, I can't tell you why right now, " she said, looking sideways at Harry, "But I promise you it has nothing to do with me cheating on you."

"Isn't Blaise gay?" Harry interrupted.

"There you are," said Hermione smugly. "Remember Biggerstaff?"

"Oh right," said Ronnie sheepishly. "I'm sorry, Hermy."

"That's all right, Ronnie," said Hermione, patting his hand.

Harry got up to gather more newt tails from the store cupboard. As he was passing the Slytherin side of the room, he discreetly gave Draco's hand a reassuring squeeze and dropped a Chocolate Frog onto his notes. Draco looked up, genuinely smiling for the first time in days. Harry gave him a sympathetic look and walked back to his seat.

Blaise leaned over and whispered, "You got it so bad."

Draco said "Shut up!" and opened his Chocolate Frog.

By the end of the class, everyone had labeled a sample of their potion in a flask, and was waiting in line to give it to Snape. Seizing her chance, Hermione sneaked away while Ron was busy being ridiculed by Snape and walked over to Blaise.

"So, have you got your part ready?"

"Yes, Granger, of course. Have you?"

"Of course. When do we execute the plan?"

"Christmas Eve, after dinner."

"Perfect. They better appreciate this. Ron thinks I'm having a lascivious affair with a gay Slytherin."

"Oh they will, don't worry. They're both getting Christmas presents…"

At which point they both laughed maniacally – but quietly, as the rest of the class was giving them strange looks.

Meanwhile, Draco was handing over his potion sample. Snape examined it carefully, stirring it and testing it for mistakes. He tutted patronizingly. "Draco, this is not at all up to your usual standard. I am giving you a B."

Draco remained expressionless. "You fucked my father."

Snape considered it. "A-minus."

( Divide )

The trio lounged by the fire as the extremely stressful and somewhat secret plan-filled day came to a close. Harry leaned back in his armchair and sighed.

"I feel sorry for poor Draco…It must be _awful_ to be the subject of gossip like this…"

"Harry," Ron interrupted gently, "How many times have _you_ been the subject of gossip like this?"

"That's different." Harry reasoned. "I'm the boy…girl…thingy who lived. Draco's just the boy whose gay father fucked his potions professor."

"Actually," said Hermione, "I heard it was Snape who fucked—"

"Okay!" Ron said, loudly, "You guys may be…girls but BOYS don't like talking about who buggered whom."

"Speak for yourself," came the Irish brogue from the back of the room.

Suddenly, the normally orange fire in the grate turned green and, unbeknownst to the Trio, a pair of hands slipped in (one held a piña colada) and dropped a large, hairy Spider (named Megan) onto the floor. It scuttled towards Harry's chair. It climbed onto Harry's hand and reared up (it was a trained spider!) when Ron suddenly screamed, "SPIDER!" and jumped into Hermione's lap.

Harry looked and said, "Aww." Hermione was stunned.

"You actually think that thing is cute?"

"Yeah, look it's all hairy." Harry picked it up and thrust it towards Ron. "Look it's all hairy!"

"AHHHH!" Ron screeched and buried his head in Hermione's bosoms. She looked quite pleased but still said, "Harry, put that thing away."

Harry shrugged and took it to the window, placing it gently on the outside window ledge. Megan, pleased at this freedom, started to spin a web that read "Yay Harry!"

( Divide )

Severus and Lucius paced towards their Lord and Master's study, to break the unfortunate, but not unexpected, news that the ASAELB (Arachnids, Spiders and Eight-Legged Beings) plan had failed. They opened the door to find the Crazy Git in curlers. Pink curlers.

Both flamingly gay men were rendered speechless.

Voldie turned around, startled. "OH! Severus – Lucius – I mean…what are you doing here, my hair is setting! I mean – these are manly curlers, dammit!"

"Of course, My Lord," replied Severus, restraining his laughter with considerable difficulty.

"My Lord, we regret to inform you that Operation ASAELB has failed. The Potter…thing was not put out of commission but we did succeed in considerable intimidation of the Weasley child."

"Oh. Well that's always a bonus," said Voldie.

Unable to contain his impatience, Lucius said, "My Lord, I _told_ you it wouldn't work."

Voldie stared at his minion icily. "If you have any comments, Lucius, you can put them in my Suggestion Box. That's what it's there for." He pointed emphatically at a small, but very prettily-decorated pink box sitting next to the Care Bear bean bag chair.

Severus took Lucius' hand and spoke to him soothingly – "It's all right dear, we'll unwind later at home."

Voldie grinned and looked superior. "I knew it."

As the couple walked out, Voldie sighed and said, "I miss Megan."

( Divide )

**Author's Notes:** Finally we're back! That was so much fun to write. We heart you. And it won't be so long this time to the next very significant chapter…hint hint.


	18. Hark, it's a Harry and Draco Thing!

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** We heard they're actually suing fanfic writers, so in that spirit, we don't own anything. Except maybe Voldie's hair.

**Author's Notes:** Yay! Another chapter – and so close to our last one! Let's get going! (divide button's still broken, dammit)

(Divide)

Chapter 18: Hark, it's a Harry and Draco Thing!

"Hermione, what do you think of this hat?"

It was Christmas Eve, and Harry, Hermione and Ron were seated in the Great Hall having dinner. Harry was becoming rather frustrated, because the adorable Santa hat he had bought for the occasion was too big for his small, feminine cranium. It kept falling over Harry's eyes, giving him the look of a Christmas lampshade.

"It's a bit big, Harry," Hermione pointed out.

"Well, I know that. It's too huge for my head."

Draco, who had been passing by, stopped, and grinned. "You could always buy another one and put them over each tit…"

"_Excuse_ me?" Harry turned with his face in an expression that clearly read 'bitch-slap time'.

"Oh yes of course, you're right – the hats aren't _nearly_ big enough."

"Alright, Malfoy, this is the last straw, I've had it with your stupid comments about my breasts! They're my breasts, they're not yours, so I don't appreciate you openly making comments about them!"

Draco looked stunned. "I was making a _joke_!" He said, desperately.

"Well stop! You have no business making jokes about my boobs! I'm tired of you talking about them – _and_ staring at them!"

"Well I'M SORRY! They're kinda right out there for everyone to see!"

"Do you think I don't know that! I'm the one that gets back pain! I'm not proud of them, you know, I'm sick of people looking at me and seeing only tits! Are you so shallow that all you notice is that one part of my anatomy is a bit out of proportion?"

"Well, I wouldn't say that – you've got a pretty big arse too."

For a moment, Harry looked as if he was about to cry. Then his face contorted with anger and he made an unintelligible sound that sounded something like "Halamushafridakhalogahhhhhh!" as he hurriedly wiped the tears from his eyes.

"Look I'm sorry!" said Draco in exasperation, "You're so goddamn sensitive! Why do you take everything so fucking seriously?"

"Fuck you, alright!" Harry said in a wobbly voice. "Just fuck you!"

"You know what, Potter, I liked you better when you had a penis! At least you could hold your own in an argument!" With that, Draco swiveled around in a flurry of robes and walked towards the doors.

Harry suddenly stood up and screamed furiously for the entire hall to hear – "AT LEAST MY FATHER DIDN'T GET FUCKED BY THE POTIONS MASTER!"

There was a collective gasp. Snape sprayed his pumpkin juice all over Professor McGonnagal. Dumbledore, however, looked mildly amused, and turned to Snape, saying, "Severus, is there something you would like to tell me?"

All eyes were on Draco, who stood stock-still in the middle of the hall. He slowly turned and his eyes met Harry's. "You fucking bitch," he said venomously, and walked through the doors.

Harry burst into tears. Hermione comforted him, whispering, "I know, yes, he is an arsehole, of course he is…" while Harry muttered something like "I _can_ hold my own in an argument, dammit…" While Hermione was thus occupied, she caught Blaise's eye and made furious gestures, indicating he should follow Draco.

Blaise held up a chicken wing, saying, "But I'm still eating!"

Hermione narrowed her eyes dangerously, and Blaise held up his hands in surrender. He then neatly wrapped the chicken wing in a napkin and ran out of the hall.

(Divide)

Draco paced furiously outside the Great Hall, angrier than Blaise had ever seen him.

"I…fuck…that fucking…fuck…fuck…fuck…bitch…fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck – "

"Draco!" Blaise said in alarm. "You sound like you have Touretts!"

Draco pointed toward the Hall, seemingly unable to find words for his rage. "He…she… he…it…I …fuh…goddamn…how…" he continued to gesticulate until he was on the verge of seizing, then finally burst out, "FUCK!"

This final outburst seemed to calm him a little. He leaned on the wall, sliding down until he was sitting. After a while, he said, very quietly, "Fuck."

Blaise sat down next to him. Instead of angry, Draco now looked close to tears. "Why am I so stupid, Blaise?" he said tiredly. "I don't mean to be mean, I just…I can't control myself, why do I say such stupid things?"

"Because you like him, Draco," Blaise said gently. "You want to talk to him because you like him, but you're scared of making yourself vulnerable, so you lash out and you say bad things to protect yourself."

Draco looked mildly impressed. "When did you get a degree in Psychology?" he said.

"Oh, I used to do it to Sean all the time. I'd tell him he was a stupid Muggle, say he'd never live up to his name…SO not true, by the way – "

"Blaise! I get the idea."

"Well, anyway…there's this Christmas party in the Room of Requirement. You should come, it'll cheer you up. Starts in an hour."

"Okay," said Draco. "I need to dig out my Christmas gear."

"Draco – you have Christmas gear?"

"Look, I know I'm the Prince of Darkness and all, but I'm entitled to some childlike whimsy, aren't I?"

"Suit yourself."

(Divide)

Hermione finally peeled Harry off her shoulder and said, in what she hoped was an upbeat tone, "How about you come to this Christmas party I've been planning, it'll cheer you up!"

"Party?" Ron looked confused. "What party?" He was rewarded with a vicious kick in the shin.

"The _party Ron._" Hermione said through gritted teeth. Ron was still confused but nodded dumbly so as not to earn himself another kick.

"Anyway," continued Hermione "It's in the Room of Requirement and it starts in an hour."

"Okay." Said Harry quietly. "Wait…you mean I only have an HOUR to get ready!" And with that, he rushed out of the hall.

(Divide)

"Some fucking party."

Draco sat in the empty Room of Requirement, absently fiddling with the mistletoe protruding from his Santa hat. He looked up as he heard the door open, and his jaw dropped.

It was Harry. Or, Harry the Kinky Christmas elf. The petite Gryffindor was decked out in skintight black jeans, red high-heel boots, and a red velvet corset lined with white fur. He had a red Alice band in his hair and wore an expression suggesting something unpleasant on the bottom of a shoe.

"What are you doing here?" said Harry, as the door closed behind him.

Draco regained the powers of speech just in time and, ripping off his mistletoe hat and throwing it to the side, he said "I'm here for the party, what are you doing here?"

"I'm here for the party!" Harry looked around the empty room. "Some fucking party. I'm leaving, I don't want to deal with you right now." He turned toward the door and turned the handle, but it wouldn't budge. Harry, puzzled, pulled out his wand and murmured, "_Alohomora."_ Still, the door did not move. Harry let loose a string of astounding creative curses as he tugged at the handle, but the door insisted on behaving like the rest of the wall.

"Oh, get out of the way," said Draco, walking over. "Your arms are probably too puny to do it."

Draco heaved at the doorknob, but it remained immobile.

"Smooth, strong man," said Harry.

"Oh, shut up, I'm not talking to you," said Draco angrily, as he too pulled out his wand. He tried spell after spell, but to no avail.

"Holy fuck!" burst out Harry after several minutes of more creative cursing. "Hey, what's this?"

Harry had spotted a rolled piece of parchment on a table, and picked it up, reading it aloud.

"_To Harry and Draco,_

_This is an intervention. We, as your close friends, are sick of you whining and bitching about each other. Therefore, courtesy of an ingenious spell on Hermione's part, you will not be let out of this room until you have worked out your differences and kissed and made up. Preferably literally._

_Sincerely,_

_Hermione and Blaise_

_PS – Merry Christmas!"_

"Shit," said Draco.

"I don't believe this!" said Harry. "I am going to KILL Hermione!"

"Well I guess we're stuck in here then," said Draco. "Because I am NOT talking to you!"

"Fine by me!" said Harry.

And so they each headed to opposite corners, sat down, and crossed their arms with sulky looks on their faces.

After several minutes of absolutely nothing, Harry said, "Bugger this, I want to get out of here."

"And how do you propose we go about that, Potter?"

"Okay, this thing says we have to…" - at this point Harry's expression contorted into one of the utmost distaste – "Kiss and make up. So why don't we just…peck, and then maybe the door will open."

For a moment, Draco looked as though he was about to protest, then he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fine."

He got up, walked over to Harry, and kissed him quickly on the lips.

For a moment they both looked at each other. Then Draco, licking his lips, said, "Is that strawberry-flavoured lipgloss?"

Then they both ran to the door and pulled. It did not move.

"Crap," they both said.

"Oh my God," Harry burst out. "I do not want to spend Christmas Eve with YOU!"

"Oh yes! And spending MY Christmas Eve with the bitch-from-hell was on the _top_ of my list!"

"You bastard! WHAT is your fucking problem? Were you dropped on your head as a child?"

"I don't know, maybe my 'fucking' problem is that I'm stuck in here with YOU!"

"Alright, you bastard, while we're stuck in here I just want to get one thing straight. I want to know WHY you take PLEASURE in INSULTING my FIGURE!"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE SEXY!"

"Why you – _what?_"

"Good God Potter! Weren't you ever nine? Didn't you ever sit behind that girl who you liked so you tugged her hair a bit to get her attention and she didn't like it but at least you were getting her attention so carried on doing it just to get her attention? IT'S THE SAME BASIC CONCEPT!"

"But you've ALWAYS said mean things to me! Like on the train in first year, you insulted the only person I'd ever made friends with!"

"_I WAS ELEVEN!_" Draco screamed in exasperation. "I was still picking my nose at that age for Christ's' sakes!"

"Okay. Ew."

"Oh shut it. For once will you listen to me and let me say something smart? You are not just sexy. And I mean that! I really thought you were different – I really thought that you wouldn't say the ONE thing that you knew would really hurt me, you know how all this stuff with my dad has tortured me, and I can't BELIEVE you screamed it out for everyone to hear! I never expected that from you."

"Draco, you say things that really hurt me _all the time._"

"Well I'm SORRY!" said Draco, and to the absolute astonishment of both, tears began to roll down Draco's cheeks. "I don't know HOW to be nice!"

Harry looked at Draco as if seeing him for the first time. Slowly, he bent down, picked up the mistletoe hat, and placed it on Draco's head.

"Try this," he said, and, balancing on his toes, he pulled him gently down into a kiss. Their second kiss was very different from their first. It was slow, and sweet, and gentle, and oh-so-achingly perfect.

They pulled apart, and the door clicked quietly open. Draco pulled his hands away from Harry's and went to the door. He closed it.

"Let's stay in for while."

(Divide)

**Author's Notes:** YYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

It finally happened! We're going to do a happy dance now…


	19. Paying Up and Porno Prints

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** We do not own any of the characters or settings in this fic. We do, however, claim proud ownership of Harry's DDD's.

**Author's Notes:** Sorry for the long wait…but we're back! We were dealing with internships and tests, and to put it bluntly, real life. The beginning of this chapter will clear up a few things…

* * *

Chapter 19: Paying Up and Porno Prints

Harry tried to sneak, in a very sleuth-like manner, into the Gryffindor common room without being spotted by Hermione – to no avail.

"So!" The voice was loud and criminally smug. Hermione sat cross-legged on her bed, with a textbook on her knees that was roughly the size of South America. "You're in a little late, Harry. What were you doing? Were you maybe, by chance, in the Room of Requirement?"

"You know exactly where I was, Benedict Arnold. And I know what you're thinking. You can wipe that vicarious post-coital grin off your face. We didn't do anything."

"Are you SURE – "

"We kissed and talked, Hermione. That's it. Just like you and Zabini said."

"And…" Hermione said suggestively.

A big, silly smile spread over Harry's face. He flopped unceremoniously on top of Hermione's bed, in a manner which suggested a thoroughly awful romantic comedy. "We're going out," he said.

"I knew it would work," said Hermione, supremely self-satisfied.

* * *

Draco burst into the Slytherin common room as a victor returning to his ever-faithful kingdom after a long and wearisome war.

"So." Blaise looked very amused. "_You _look like you had a good time."

"Yes, I did actually."

"Hmmm…How good?"

"Not as good as you're thinking, evidently."

Blaise made a face. "Still no punnani?"

"No, no punnani as of yet."

"Shame."

"Oh but Blaise, it was fantastic! It was…" Draco sighed in a horribly soppy manner.

"Oy. So you're…"

A big, silly smile spread over Draco's face. He flopped unceremoniously on top of Blaise's bed, in a manner which suggested a thoroughly awful romantic comedy. "We're going out," he said.

Blaise got up, very quickly. "Oh yuck," he said, "And who do you have to thank for this…pathetic little scenario between you and Potter?"

Draco sat up. "I'm not thanking you."

"Perhaps I'll just let Potter know about that pair of underwear you –"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

* * *

Draco woke up on Christmas morning with the exact same silly grin he had been wearing the night before. The sunlight streamed through the tower windows, reflecting off the shiny paper of his presents.

_Shiny paper!_ Thought Draco eagerly. He jumped out of bed and into his slippers, and ripped open Blaise's bed drapes.

"It's Christmas, Blaise!!" Draco said happily. "_Oh what a beautiful morning…"_

"Draco, you're disgusting!" called Blaise from beneath his pillow. "Let me sleep or you will die."

"But Blaise…" said Draco, pulling the covers off his face. "Presents…"

"I do like presents," said Blaise, "But I know you're only in a good mood because of last night. I know for a fact your usual Christmas festivities involve hexing First Years."

"I think I'm going to hug First Years instead!"

Blaise's eyes suddenly widened. "Draco no!" He said, fiercely. "You shall scare the little ones!"

"Then I'll hug you instead!"

"Ew! Draco you're scaring ME! Save your hugs for your new girl….boy…thing."

"Excellent plan!" Draco cried, and quickly dressed and bounded out of his dormitory to the Great Hall.

"Lord help us," Blaise muttered, as he half-heartedly pulled on clothes and trudged after him.

As Draco entered the Great Hall, Harry was distractedly spooning orange juice on his toast, pausing only to sigh happily at odd intervals. Evidently, he had left his brain in the Room of Requirement.

Suddenly, the happy Christmas chatter came to a halt as everyone took in Draco's big silly grin. There was a general intake of breath, and the ever-so-faint sound of muffled sobbing. Pansy Parkinson spat her hot apple cider all over Millicent Bulstrode, causing her to hiss and wail as the steam rose from her face.

Draco, however, was deaf to the cries of "MY EYEBROWS!" coming from his own table, and sat down next to Harry. "Hi, babe," he said. Harry giggled happily. The two touched their foreheads together and Draco gently nuzzled Harry's neck.

A unanimous sigh of "Aaaww," arose from all the girls at the table. The boys gagged on their cereal. All except for Seamus (ever the master of subtlety) who jumped to his feet, danced a jig, and shouted "FINALLY!!" with his hands stretched upward like a Southern Baptist speaking in tongues.

Ron looked faintly green. "I think I prefer the vicious arguments," he said, wincing immediately thereafter when Hermione stepped pointedly on his foot.

"Harry?"

"Yes, Draco?"

"Wanna go to Hogsmeade later?"

"Okay, Draco."

They both stared into each other's eyes and sighed. Ron gagged on his bacon.

* * *

As the snow fell enticingly from the grey sky, Harry and Draco walked hand in hand towards Madame Puddifoot's. They walked inside and were temporarily blinded by an avalanche of tinsel. The tiny tea shop was full of besotted couples wearing almost exclusively red and green. Harry and Draco looked at each other, their smiles becoming rather fixed.

"Are we really this pathetic?" Draco asked, still smiling.

"God no," said Harry, with the same grin. With that, they both turned around and walked to the Three Broomsticks.

They settled down, and spent a very productive hour gazing into each other's eyes. They decided to go and look at the few shops that would be open. Madame Rosmerta had just given them the bill for their butterbeers. They had only had two, so it came to a nice even four sickles.

Both Harry and Draco reached for their money at the same time.

Draco raised his eyebrow. "Don't be ridiculous Harry, I'll pay."

"No, really, it's fine, I'll pay."

"No, REALLY, I can pay, it's no trouble."

Harry's smile became more strained. "What do you _mean_ it's no trouble, are you implying that it would be trouble for me??"

"No! No! I was just saying I'd pay, that's all."

"Pish posh! I'll pay, I have the money."

"I wasn't implying that you didn't! But…"

Harry's eyes narrowed. "But what?"

"Well, you see…"

"Spit it out, Draco."

"Well," Draco suddenly looked incredibly haughty. "I am the man in this relationship and so therefore, I pay the bills."

The steam rising from under Harry's hairline was almost visible. "I BEG your pardon?"

"Well…you are the woman. I'm just trying to look after you."

"And at WHAT POINT did I express any wish to be looked after? I can look after myself you know!"

"You're only four-feet eleven!"

"AND THREE QUARTERS!"

"IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE!"

"THAT'S WHAT _YOU_ THINK!" Harry cleared his throat, and lowered his voice. "And in any case, I am not 'the girl' in the relationship."

Draco looked somewhat bemusedly at Harry's chest. "Are you sure?"

Harry roughly jerked Draco's chin up. "I'm hardly a real girl. I used to have a penis, you know!"

Draco shuddered. "That's hardly something I want to think about my girlfriend having."

"Ohhh! So I've just been assigned the title of 'girlfriend' have I?"

"I thought we agreed on this last night!"

"We agreed that we were dating!"

"Yes, and you are the girl, therefore my girlfriend, therefore you are NOT ALLOWED TO PAY THE BILLS!"

Harry leapt up, slamming down four sickles. "You have such a misogynistic view point!"

Draco leapt up. "Oh yeah!" He yelled, slamming down four sickles. "You're not a girl AT ALL. 'That's such a misogynistic view point!' Oh please!"

"I don't appreciate your sarcasm."

"Well, _I _don't appreciate your inability to see things as they are. You. Are. A. Girl!"

Harry's lower lip trembled, and he huffed out of the pub.

Draco sighed. "Oh shit." And with that he walked sadly out of the pub. Rosmerta went to pick up her pay, and seeing it was doubled, cried "Oh, people are so generous at Christmas!"

* * *

Snape and Lucius, on their way to the weekly Deatheater meeting, were debating whether or not it was inappropriate for them to hold hands now that they had been outed by their ever-so-sensitive Lord and Master. They entered Voldie's study, and were confused by the bean bag chair. It seemed to be covered in a tiny, intricate print. Lucius walked casually over to examine it more closely, and almost choked on his tongue.

"Severus!" Lucius whispered sharply. "Look at this!" His eyes had widened considerably and he looked quite frightened.

"What is it, darling?"

"Have a closer look at this print!"

"I don't see – oh dear god."

Upon closer inspection, it became clear that this was no abstract pattern. The picture was, in fact, an artist's rendering of, to put it delicately, a passionate encounter between Lucius and the Potions Master. Snape's face was slowly drained of color as his eyes were filled with images of himself and Lucius in all their glory.

"Oh darling, do you like it?" Voldie walked over, holding a piña colada as usual.

"My Lord, I must protest," said Lucius immediately.

"But darling, it's so pretty!"

"What's all this?" said McNair curiously, and bended down to observe the chair. "I - OOH! My, my, Lucius…I had no idea you were a bottom. I had you pegged for the aggressive type."

At this point, Lucius simply cried, "Severus!" The humiliation too much for his fragile mind to bear, he buried his face in Snape's arms.

"Guess not," remarked McNair dryly.

* * *

Harry sat forlornly on his bed, staring out the window and munching on a chocolate bar. Hermione suddenly barged in, dragging Draco with her.

"Hurry up," she said to Draco, pushed him inside, and closed the door.

Draco got ready to swallow his pride, but suddenly noticed the candy in Harry's hand. "Do you always eat chocolate when you're sad?"

"Well, I _am_ a girl, right?" said Harry resentfully.

"Ha! So you – " Draco began, but caught himself when he saw Harry's slumped shoulders. "Sorry," he said. "That was, without question, the stupidest thing I have ever fought about."

"You're right," said Harry.

Draco sat down next to him and hugged him. "I didn't want things to start out like this," he said.

"Let's face it, Draco, we're always going to argue."

"Yeah, I guess that's true."

"But I suppose I can forgive you."

"Thanks."

They stayed there for a moment, hugging, when Harry suddenly pulled away with an odd smile on his face.

"You really have a thing for smelling my hair, don't you?"

* * *

**Author's Notes:** That was fun to write. The next chapter will probably skip ahead a month or two. Because they've gotten together, the story is beginning to wind down. :sniffle: It's been a wild ride, and we really appreciate all the support we've gotten from reviewers. We wuv you! 


	20. THE Chapter

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** We…actually don't have much to say today. Just know that we don't own it and aren't making any profit. (We do, however, own Draco's unnatural cheerfulness.)

**Author's Notes:** How's this for a quick update, what what…

And for certain unnamed parties who can't figure out what a motif is, motif means recurring theme. The bean bag chair is a motif. I like our motif, dammit…::authors retreat into a corner and sulk while drinking chamomile tea::

* * *

Chapter 20: THE Chapter (you'll see why…mwa ha ha)

A full six weeks had passed since that fateful Christmas morning, in which Harry and Draco had finally gotten over themselves and hooked up. Those six weeks had been full of ups and downs, and sideways and back ways and long ways and short ways and extremely-heated-argument ways. But they always managed to make up, more often than not with the help of Hermione.

It was currently a Monday morning, a few days before the holidays which is known by all singles as "Why can't you fucking fuckers fucking die or fucking find me a fucking boyfriend" day.

More commonly known as Valentine's Day.

But Harry and Draco weren't worried. They had a previous agreement, which stated that neither party was to obsess overmuch about the dreaded day, but rather pass the time in a cheerful and casual manner befitting said situation.

Simply put, they wouldn't freak out.

* * *

"So Draco, aren't you freaking out?"

"No Blaise, I am not."

"But why?"

"Harry and I have an agreement."

"Oh god, Draco, did you sign it in blood?"

"Not in blood, just in ink."

"Well, it's just…and don't take this the wrong way…" Blaise's eyes shifted slightly.

Draco's eyes narrowed. "Is there a wrong way to take it?"

"Oy. Look, your…partner is very highly strung."

"He is not! Harry's just…sensitive."

"Like I said, highly strung."

Draco remained stone-faced. "Your point, Blaise?"

"Well, you may have agreed not to make a spectacle of it but how do you think Harry will react when everyone else is getting chocolate and cards and you're sitting quietly in a corner, not freaking out?"

"We made an agreement!" Draco said shortly. "Why would we have made the agreement if Harry wanted to freak out?"

"I'm not saying Harry wants to freak out, I'm saying Harry will freak out!"

"You don't know that." Draco smiled with a confidence that was far too unshakable to be quite real.

"Your confidence seems far too unshakable to be quite real," Blaise said.

"Piss off, Blaise. If he really wants a chocolate bar I'll buy him a chocolate bar."

"But then he'll just think you're doing it because you have to, and not out of the kindness of your heart, and then you'll argue. Again."

"There you go again with the analysis!!!"

"Just call me Dr. Zabini."

"Well fuck off, Dr. Zabini."

"Okay, let's talk about something else. How about your practice of venting your anger on innocent friends who are merely trying to help?"

"Fuck off, Blaise!"

"Or how about the fact that you still call your girlfriend a 'He'?"

"Fuck OFF, Blaise!!"

* * *

"So Harry. Let me get this straight. You're not getting Draco anything?"

"No, Ron. I am not getting Draco anything."

Ron looked up from the chess game (which he was winning). "_Really?_ Nothing? Not even some-"

"NO! Ron. I am not getting him anything."

"But why?"

"We signed an agreement."

"Well that's kind of dumb."

"You're not nearly as helpful as Hermione."

"Thanks a lot Harry."

"What?"

"Well, I know you don't want to be my best friend anymore, but –"

Harry looked shocked. "Ron! Don't be an idiot! You'll ALWAYS be my best friend! Even if I have to go down into the Hogwarts lake to get you…Oh wait, I already DID that because you're my BEST FRIEND!"

"Aw Harry!" Ron leapt up and hugged his (wait for it…) best friend.

"Um Ron?" Harry said after a while.

"Yes, Harry?"

"You're squishing me."

"Oh…sorry, I forget that you're a midget now."

"Hey! I resent that!"

"Said the midget."

"Fuck you!"

"Nope, sorry, Hermione's got that down."

Harry's jaw dropped. "Wait! Did you and Hermione – "

"Nope. Not yet."

"Oh. So you got anything planned for Valentines day?"

"Well, sheesh, Harry…let me say this again. Not YET…"

Harry blinked. "Oh!"

Ron rolled his eyes. "You should have been turned into a blonde."

"Ron, that's mean."

"Yup."

"So Wednesday, huh?"

"Yup."

"Don't you think that's a little clichéd?"

* * *

"YAY!!!!!!"

Blaise sat at the Slytherin table on the morning of the dreaded day, doing a spastic Happy Dance at the sight of the gigantic package (in more ways than one) on the table.

"Sean figured out how to Owl me!" he said excitedly to Draco as he ripped off the brown paper. A huge cardboard cut out of Sean Biggerstaff gradually came into view, holding a sign that said, "The Biggerstaff misses you."

"God, I miss the Biggerstaff," sighed Blaise, eyeing the cut out hungrily.

Over at the Gryffindor table, Harry, Seamus and Dean stared at Blaise's present with undisguised awe.

"Hey Zabini!" yelled Seamus (ever the master of subtlety). "Your boyfriend's really feckin' sexy!"

"I second that!" said Harry.

Then, to everyone's surprise, Dean said, "Even I've gotta say, Zabini…hats off to ya."

"He's pretty good-looking for a Muggle," Draco said snarkily.

"Draco, stop being obnoxious – HARRY!" Blaise yelled.

"YES?" Harry replied.

"TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND TO STOP BEING OBNOXIOUS!"

"DRACO, STOP BEING OBNOXIOUS!!"

"I WILL IF WE ALL STOP BLOODY YELLING!" yelled Draco.

Draco got up and walked over to the Gryffindor table, eyeing Seamus and Dean's T-shirts with distaste (Seamus' said "Kiss me I'm Irish" with an arrow pointing toward Dean, and Dean's simply said, "Okay!")

"Like them?" said Dean spiritedly. "We designed them ourselves!"

"Oh gee, I couldn't tell," said Draco dryly.

"Of course, we have to stand next to each other for the rest of the day for them to make any sense," said Seamus, "otherwise some poor sod who stands next to me will think he has to kiss me 'cause I'm Irish!"

"Right."

"So Draco…"

"Yes Finnegan?"

"Feel like standing next to me – "

"SEAMUS!" Dean cried, and promptly whacked him upside the head.

* * *

Harry and Draco walked slowly through the halls, as neither was eager to go to their classes.

"Seamus and Dean were so adorable, Draco! I think it's nice that they're so comfortable joking about other people and they don't get all jealous anymore."

"Listen, Harry – "

"Yes, Draco?"

"Did you mean what you said when you signed the Agreement?"

"Yes, of course I did."

"Are you sure you don't want to do something today?"

"Yes, Draco. I'm sure."

"Oh. Well…I guess I just figured you would."

"Look Draco. Why should Valentine's Day be anything particularly different when I like you all the time?"

Draco beamed. "Aw," he said. He brushed Harry's hair off his shoulder and then kissed him on the neck, lightly. Harry shivered and closed his eyes. Draco bent down and kissed Harry hard on the mouth, putting in his tongue and massaging Harry's with his. Harry breathed in as Draco abruptly pulled him in closer.

They were both shocked when they heard a rather distinct wolf-whistle. Pansy Parkinson walked by, giving them a look of disgusted jealousy. Draco rolled his eyes until Harry very roughly grabbed him and pulled him into the nearest broom closet, grabbing his collar and forcing him into another kiss.

"My, my Harry," remarked Draco upon a quest for oxygen. "I never knew you were so forceful."

Harry shrugged and resumed kissing Draco. Draco broke the kiss and began to nibble on Harry's neck. Harry sighed and inched his hands up Draco's chest, heading for the buttons at the collar. Draco's hands were moving a different direction. Draco hesitantly placed a hand on Harry's chest.

_God, can I do this? He freaked out the last time I did…hey, he isn't doing anything…maybe he likes it…score!!!_

Harry was rather surprised to notice Draco's hand._ Hey, déjà vu! Maybe I shouldn't react quite the same way as I did last time…oh well, let him have his fun._

His confidence thus given a substantial boost, Draco snaked his hand under Harry's top. Harry shivered and began to undo the buttons on Draco's shirt.

At that exact moment, the door opened. And who stood at the door but, Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape. All jaws dropped. Poor Draco was in a very incriminating position, as his hand was up Harry's top. Harry, for his part, had managed to undo at least half of Draco's buttons.

"D-Draco?" stammered Lucius.

"Father!" yelped Draco. He hurriedly took his hand out from Harry's top and stuck it behind his back. "I have no idea how that got there," said Draco lamely.

Harry, in the meantime, started buttoning Draco's shirt. "Nice to see you again, Mr. Malfoy," he said.

"Potter…Draco…don't you have a class to be in?" said Snape.

"Isn't that supposed to be your class?" Draco pointed out, looking at the handcuffs in Snape's pocket.

"I…um…we will talk about this later," said Snape. And with that, he shut the door with a snap.

"I think we need to find somewhere more private," said Draco.

"Agreed."

* * *

Lucius and Severus walked quickly down the hall. The older Malfoy, although quite shaken, was forcing himself to be tolerant.

"Well," he said, "Although it is a bit odd, I must say…we can't tell Draco how to live his life, and frankly, he did walk in on us, so I suppose we're square…"

"Lucius, what are you talking about?!" said Snape, clearly agitated. "Have you lost your pretty blonde head?! Your SON is necking with the indefinite-article-who-lived!!"

"There, there, Severus…"

"And what's more, that was OUR broom closet, dammit!"

"I know, Severus, I know…"

* * *

Draco had managed to sneak Harry into the Slytherin dormitory without being seen as everyone was in class. He cast a quick locking charm on the door and sat down on his bed. Harry hesitantly sat down next to him.

They started kissing, with a strange intensity that neither had really experienced before. Draco's hand, having grown cold, soon found its way back to it's new home up Harry's top, and Harry, feeling bold, not only unbuttoned Draco's shirt but completely removed it. The kiss became more heated until Draco pulled away and smirked. "Now that's not fair, if I have to take off mine you should take off yours too."

Harry then surprised both of them by lying back on Draco's bed. "Do it for me," he said, quietly. Draco, who all of a sudden felt very very lucky, slowly began to undo Harry's shirt. Harry looked half-way between lustful and upset, never having done anything like this before, but smiled when the shirt was finally removed. They paused for some heated kisses, before Draco ran his hands languidly up and down Harry's leg, trailing them up to his bra, and finally heading for the straps in the back. Harry gasped a little.

"Do you want me to stop?" Draco asked, worriedly.

Harry shook his head and held his breath as the bra came off. Draco stopped for a moment and stared in awe. "You're amazing," he said, quietly. He then started kissing Harry's neck with enthusiasm and worked his way down to his chest.

Harry shivered, and released a small moan which made Draco smirk smugly. His confidence, however, shattered when he felt Harry's hands loosening his belt. He sat up, abruptly. "Harry, are you sure?"

"Yes," Harry said breathily.

For one moment Draco hesitated. "Are you sure you want to do this on Valentines day? It's so clichéd."

"Draco, do you really want to stop?"

"No."

"Then kiss me."

Draco did. And it didn't end there.

* * *

Blaise meandered up the stairs to his dormitory after lessons. He was quite surprised when he found the door was locked. He knocked on the door, but heard no answer.

"Draco, why is this door locked? Draco open up!" Blaise pulled out his wand and broke the locking spell on the door (he was a Slytherin, after all).

"Draco, what the hell are you doing – "

He opened up the door and stopped dead. Draco was lying peacefully in bed, with a look of smug satisfaction, clearly starkers. And he was not alone. Next to him lay Harry, looking blissfully happy and also clearly starkers. Harry, however, screamed when he saw who was at the door and quickly covered himself.

Blaise was utterly shocked. "WHAT THE…you two…I mean…but…good lord," and with that, he closed the door.

But it was opened again in a moment, when Blaise said, "By the way, Potter, you really do have enormous tits."

* * *

**Author's Notes:** YAY!!!!!!!! We only have three or four chapters left now, depending on how long we want to draw it out. Stay tuned; we'll have another one up soon!! 


	21. Attack of the BottleGreen Taffeta

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** Would it be better if we called it 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows'? No, then we really WOULD be facing copyright infringement law suits…We don't own it. Ahem. Our lawyer says hi.

**Author's Notes:** Sorry about the huge gap between chapters. We have recently had to deal with an onslaught of reality. Also – in a few weeks, this fic will be 2 years old!!!! YAY!!!!!

* * *

Chapter 21: Attack of the Bottle-Green Taffeta

Harry sat comfortably on Draco's lap, absentmindedly munching on a carrot stick. It was a beautiful Saturday in April, and Draco and his new Gryffindor cronies (read: Harry's friends) were taking advantage of the unusually hot spring day.

"Harry darling, why do you eat carrot sticks? It's not like you need to lose weight or anything," said Draco.

"Draco _sweetie,_" said Harry, flashing a fake smile, "They help you see in the dark."

"Yes, Harry. And that's why you wear glasses."

"Shut up."

Hermione rolled her eyes, distractedly poking Ron's bicep repeatedly. He was not flexing at all. Really. Well, maybe a little. Hermione smiled appreciatively then turned to Harry and Draco.

"Harry, Draco was trying to pay you a compliment, you only brought that on yourself when you provoked him."

Draco leapt up, causing Harry to tumble over. "HA! Even your friends agree with me this time!" He pointed…pointedly.

Harry scowled. "Okay…fine," he glared at Hermione, "Traitor…"

However, Harry cuddled next to Draco and asked him, "Do you really think my figure's fine the way it is?"

"Harry, refer to last night and it might answer your question."

Harry grinned. And nibbled Draco's ear.

"MY EYES!" screamed Ron.

"Ron, you're going to have to get used to this," said Hermione.

* * *

It was the weekly Deatheater meeting and the room was positively tingling with anticipation. It might have been the Icy-Hot smeared on the chairs to make them shiny. Or it might have been the fact that Voldie had promised to unveil his "Plan-of-all-plans-better-than-Megan-the-spider-I-promise" plan.

In fact, everyone was so focused on the tingly feeling that no one had even glanced at the bean bag chair, which was covered with prints of Batman and Robin in rather compromising positions.

No one except for Lucius, who groaned, but was inwardly glad that he was no longer portrayed on the chair in a compromising position.

Voldie swept in, carrying his favorite drink as usual, and called the meeting to order (he blew on his kazoo until everyone stopped talking). "Now then," he said, "It is time to unveil THE PLAN. Behold – Operation Taffeta."

He removed the cloth covering the blackboard, revealing a detailed artist's rendering of Lucius in a bottle-green taffeta dress. Next to it in the corner, was a clumsily scrawled map of Hogwarts.

_Does it ever end?_ thought Lucius despairingly. "My Lord…why?" he asked.

"The plan is this, my friends…"

* * *

"This is utterly ridiculous," said Lucius petulantly.

"But darling, you actually look quite fetching," said Snape, who was tightening his corset.

"Oh really? I mean – " he cleared his throat in a masculine manner. "I don't see why we're doing this when we actually have female Deatheaters."

"You're prettier than Bellatrix, Lucius. And your wife does not have the brain cells required to walk in a straight line, much less play a vital role in the plan of all plans," replied Severus as he heated up the curling iron.

Lucius continued to glower and then whimpered as he ran his hand down his newly smooth leg. The dress, which only came down to his knee, had caused Voldemort to attack him on the sly with a waxing charm, before Lucius could even offer the alternative of purchasing a newer, longer dress.

"I hate green," he said sullenly.

"But Honeybunch, it's Slytherin colours!"

"Yes, but so is silver, and I wouldn't find it attractive if you started walking around in a silver jumpsuit."

Severus rolled his eyes. "This dress is _much_ more stylish than a jump suit, for once the stupid nitwit picked out something nice."

"Humph."

"You know…sweetums…I think you look rather…_sexy_." Severus ran his hand down Lucius' (newly smooth) leg. "_I_ _like it."_

Lucius giggled, until Severus approached him with the mascara wand.

Then he ran.

But not far.

* * *

Snape walked quickly to Dumbledore's office, the image of the green taffeta dress (and who was wearing it) refusing to budge from his mind. _Now if only I could get him to shimmy for me… _Shaking the impure (but tantalizing) thought out of his brain, he spoke the password and knocked on Dumbledore's door.

"Enter," came the serene voice from within.

Snape approached the Headmaster, who was, with great concentration, trying to win a game of Connect Four with Fawkes. The bird was winning.

"Ah, Severus," Dumbledore said, quickly vanishing the game (at which point Fawkes squawked with anger and set the tip of his hat alight). "Do you have news?" he continued as he put out his hat.

"Yes, Albus. I have come to inform you of Voldemort's plan. It involves a green taffeta dress and the fireplace in my office."

Dumbledore sighed heavily. "I can't believe it took that man a decade to figure out that he could Floo in from your fireplace. The dress, however…that sounds exactly like him."

"Yes, he's putting it on Lucius."

"Really, he has quite the figure for it!"

"Yes I know…anyway!" Snape cleared his throat. "Lucius is intended to be a diversion of some sort so Voldemort can get at Potter. Should I inform the Order?"

"Well…no," said Dumbledore jovially. "I think Harry can deal with this one. And if he can't, I'll be there."

"But…Albus, you're putting the boy's life in danger!"

Albus smiled. "One – Harry is far from boyish. Two – Harry is not in danger. He is more powerful now than he has ever been before."

"How is that, sir?"

"Don't interrupt me. Three – what is going on between you and Lucius, Severus?"

Severus spluttered. "How – how did you know about that, sir?"

"Let's just say I keep tabs on my broom cupboards."

* * *

Sunday morning at the breakfast table found Harry moodily spooning copious amounts of sugar on his cornflakes. Draco, unaware of his mangirl's dangerous mood, walked up to him, hugged him from behind, and showered his neck with sweet, sloppy kisses.

"Ugh, get off me Draco, do you have to be so bloody mushy?" said Harry.

"But I was just – "

"Draco, I'm just not in the mood, okay? You could have taken the time to notice that before you slobbered all over me," said Harry angrily. With that, he pointedly turned away and returned his attention to the sugar on his cornflakes.

Draco turned to Hermione, completely at a loss. "I don't get it!!! I was being SWEET!!"

Hermione sighed. "Draco – "

"Do you know how long it took me to get comfortable with being SWEET in public like that?"

"Draco, he has PMS. It's not about you. Just leave him alone for a few hours."

"Okay," said Draco quietly. He sat down timidly and nibbled at some bacon. Hermione shot him a sympathetic grin, but inwardly did a Happy Dance, because Draco was becoming less and less bastardly and more and more affectionate. Yet he still managed to retain his cool, Prince of Darkness persona. How did he do that?

* * *

"Good Lord, did it have to be taffeta?" Lucius muttered to himself.

Lucius strutted outside the Great Hall, self-consciously pulling the dress down over his knees. He did not particularly want to strut, but the 4-inch Prada heels lended themselves to that kind of movement. His job was to lure any stragglers into the Great Hall, to give his fellow Deatheaters a clear path throughout the school. He was also to trap everyone inside, so Voldie could commence with his killing rampage.

The entire floor seemed clear, as it was right in the middle of breakfast. Lucius soon spotted, however, a group of Ravenclaw boys (he recognised two of them as Roger Davies and Terry Boot). He sauntered up to them, begrudgingly swinging his hips.

"Pardon me, boys," he purred. "But I'm lost. Can you show me where the Great Hall is?"

The boys, after they had regained their speech and finished ogling, all began to give directions, some of which he was sure were to the Ravenclaw common room.

"I'm sorry dears, I'm simply awful with directions. Do you think that you handsome lads could spare some of your precious time and…escort me?" He batted his eyelashes.

Roger Davies stepped forward and held out his arm. "I would be delighted, ma'am," he said.

The other boys jealously followed them, whispering things like, "I've heard older women are really really kinky – " "That's just vile – " "No no, it's true – "

_Good god, they're seventeen years old! I don't need this, I'm married! And taken.

* * *

_

Lucius waited impatiently in a corner of the Great Hall, after finally separating himself from the Ravenclaw boys. His eyes roamed over the room, searching for students attempting to leave. Eventually he spotted a Hufflepuff finishing his meal and heading for the door. He frantically ran up behind the boy and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, young man. Could you tell me about Hogwarts?"

Outside the doors, Voldie and the gang were going over the finer points of the plan. "Okay," said Voldie. "On three, we all run in. I kill the mangirlthing, the rest are yours. Got it? Okay, good. One…two…three…GO!!"

The doors were flung open. There was a swish of black cloaks. The hall fell silent immediately. Then McNair tripped and sent Bellatrix flying, effectively ruining the ominous impression.

"WHERE IS HARRY POTTER?" roared Voldie, ignoring McNair's hysterical giggles.

Harry turned around with a murderous look on his face. "What?!"

Draco turned white. "Harry, no! Don't you realise who that is?"

"I don't care who the fuck he is, I don't care if he's Gandalf the Grey, he's interrupting my breakfast!"

Harry got up, fixing Voldie with a glare that could melt steel. "Hey snake eyes!!! Yeah, you!!! You're interrupting my breakfast!"

Judging from the stunned look on the Dark Lord's face, he had not been expecting such a retort.

"Listen you! You are just one more inconsiderate male! You hear me? You never take into account anyone else's feelings! Did it ever occur to you when you planned your little attack that I might be having a BAD DAY??? HUH?? HUH???????? WELL?"

Voldemort sputtered.

"THAT'S RIGHT! And did it ever occur to you that perhaps I didn't want to be turned into a girl?? I'm not comfortable in this body!!! WOULD YOU LOOK AT THESE???" Harry grabbed his chest to illustrate his point. "I mean, how would you like it if you had a pair of these weighing you down everyday??? TAKE THAT YOU WANKER!" And with that Harry kicked Voldie in his balls.

Voldie groaned and slid to the floor, curling up into a ball. There was a collective intake of breath. No one could quite believe that Harry had just kicked the most evil wizard of all time in the balls. McNair ran over to Voldie and held him tenderly.

"You know…" Voldie whispered, "I never wanted to be a Dark Lord…I wanted to be…a lumberjack."

And with that, the Dark Lord died. From a colossal kick in the bollucks. There was utter silence until Dumbledore stood up and began to clap.

Then, a cheer erupted. "Go Harry! He killed the feckin' Dark Lord!!!" Seamus screamed. Total chaos ensued as the implications of the event began to sink in.

Severus smiled and held Lucius around the waist. Draco, upon seeing this, charged over and grabbed Severus. "Are you cheating on my Dad with this tacky blonde???"

"Who are you calling tacky young man?" Lucius said, in his normal voice.

"_Dad? _WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS EMBARRASSSING ME?" He fled.

"DRACO!" Harry ran after him, leaving the delighted crowd to rejoice.

* * *

Draco paced outside the Great Hall, trying in vain to shake the green taffeta out of his head. "Why is it always my dad?" he cried in desperation as Harry walked over to him.

"Draco…I'm really sorry I was so bitchy this morning," Harry said. "I just have the worst PMS."

"I think I could tell by your method of attack just now. Harry, I can't believe what you just did!!! Do you realise what this means!!! Dumbledore is probably arresting McNair and them right now!! The war is over!"

"Wow. You're right…" Harry said in awe. "You know, if you still have any big sloppy kisses for me, I'll take them now…" he batted his eyelashes.

Draco smiled and obliged. That is, until Snape coughed uncomfortably behind him.

"Potter, come into my office. I have something to tell you."

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Ooh, a cliffhanger!! We're almost done now, so watch for the last few chapters. By the way, did any of you catch the Monty Python reference? 


	22. To Be or Not To Be

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** Cross our heart, hope to die, stick a needle in Voldie's eye – we don't own anything. (But we didn't mean the needle part – we love Voldie in all his queeny weirdness!)

**Author's Notes:** Since we have received many frantic demands for a speedy update, here it is – despite the fact that we have finals and auditions to deal with in the ever-so-annoying real world. Here it goes...

* * *

Chapter 22: To Be or Not To Be

Harry sat down in front of Snape's desk. The professor sat down as well, very stiffly and looking unusually sympathetic.

"Potter, I feel I should tell you I have been working on an antidote for your…condition…for some time now. I neglected to inform you because I did not want you to be disappointed if it failed. However…"

Harry looked fairly disbelieving. "Are you saying…I can be a boy again?"

"The antidote is ready whenever you are…" he paused for a moment. "…Harry."

Snape reached into a pocket of his robes and pulled out a small flask. He placed it carefully on the desk for Harry to inspect. The liquid was a melancholy blue and seemed to swirl in the bottle of its own accord. Harry picked it up. It felt light in his hand.

"Draco," he said quietly. "If I…if I drink this then…" He looked up at Snape, who nodded.

Without another word Harry quickly uncorked the flask and downed it on one go.

"Before I could change my mind," he said, meekly. Snape nodded, and took the empty flask back. He watched Harry leave, but stopped him just before he was out of sight.

"Potter?"

Harry turned. "Yes?"

"You have twelve hours left with him."

Harry wiped away the one tear that had found its way down his cheek and nodded. "Thank you."

* * *

Harry walked slowly toward the Great Hall, where the sounds of joyous celebration could still be heard. He opened the doors and was met with the sight of the entire Gryffindor house dancing on top of their table, singing (what else?) a Ray Charles song.

Harry walked up to the table and tugged at Ron's jeans. Ron looked down and grinned. "Hey!!! It's the man…girl…thing of the hour!!! Get up here Harry!"

"No! Ron, get Hermione, I have to talk to both of you."

Ron, sensing something serious, stopped trying to haul Harry on the table. He shrugged and nodded, weaving his way through the crowd and eventually returning with Hermione on his arm.

"Come on," Harry said, motioning towards an empty corner.

"Harry, what's up?" said Hermione with concern.

"I've just been talking with Snape," said Harry quietly when they were out of earshot of the crowd. "He told me…" he took a deep breath. "He told me he found an antidote."

"Oh god, Harry! Are you going to take it?" said Hermione anxiously.

"I already did," said Harry, his voice wobbling slightly.

Ron, to everyone's surprise, immediately enclosed Harry in a gigantic bear hug. "I'm so sorry, Harry," he said quietly, stroking his hair.

"I'm sorry too," said Harry through tears. "I'm sorry I'm ruining your shirt," Harry sobbed.

"Shut up," said Ron affectionately.

"Hey! Weasley! What are you doing to my girlfriend?" Draco swaggered over to the trio, wearing a rare and genuine smile. That smile wavered, however, when he saw that Harry was ruining Ron's shirt.

"Harry? What's wrong?" Draco said, laying a hand on his shoulder.

"Draco, we need to talk," Harry said. He took Draco's hand and they walked out of the Great Hall.

* * *

"Harry, what's going on? What on earth do we have to be sad about right now?" Draco said. This just made Harry cry harder.

"Oh my god!" said Draco frantically. "I'm sorry, I didn't know, what's wrong, what's wrong, tell me what's wrong!! I hate seeing you cry!"

"I took an antidote!!!"

Draco froze, his eyes wide with disbelief and the beginnings of sadness. "_What?"_

"Snape found an antidote," said Harry, barely managing to keep his voice steady. "I took it."

"You took it?" Draco said, a hint of anger piercing the shock in his voice. "You took it without telling me? Without coming to see me? How could you do this to me, Harry?!"

"Draco, if I had come to see you, I wouldn't have taken it at all," said Harry, wiping tears from his cheeks. "I had to, before I lost my nerve."

"But why did you have to?! What about me, what about us?!"

"Draco, this is not who I am!!!" Harry burst out. "The real Harry does not have tits. He doesn't care about clothes, he's clueless about makeup, he doesn't get PMS! The real Harry would not have chosen to kill Voldemort with a kick in the balls," Harry said, with the shadow of a smile.

"Are you saying that none of this was _real?"_ Draco said. He sounded utterly lost.

Harry sighed. "No," he said. He stepped forward and touched Draco's cheek. "It has to have been real. I…I love you."

Draco let out a strangled cry that sounded suspiciously like a sob and pulled Harry into him. "I love you too," he said, his voice thick.

They stayed like that for a while, in each other's arms, until Draco froze and pulled away.

"What?" Harry said, confused.

Draco smiled bitterly. "You're getting taller already."

* * *

Back at his dormitory, Harry pulled on a shirt he hadn't worn for months and pulled on a pair of incredibly long pyjama trousers. He kissed Hermione's cheek and said gruffly, "I'll see you in the morning." He made to leave, but was stopped when Hermione abruptly spoke.

"Harry…I'll miss having you around."

Harry smiled a watery smile. "I'll miss being around, Hermione." And with that he left, to go back to the boy's dormitory.

He finished climbing the stairs and pushed open the door to the familiar smell of feet and aftershave, and the familiar sound of Ron's snoring and Trevor's croaking. He sighed.

"Home sweet home."

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Arghgh! That was very painful to write! Ahhhhh! Our hearts have blocks of painful ice pushed inside of them. It's cold and pointy!

But have faith guys, it will resolve itself. We will post again quickly as the fic is winding down.

PS - in two days, it will be the second anniversary of this fic's publication. woot!


	23. The Big Conversation Chapter Part II

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** We heard that JK is suing fanfic writers, so we promise we own nothing. We think JK is way too nice, but you never know…

**Author's Notes:** Ladyverse: Hang in there guys, it's the home stretch…

Crouching Tigerlily: What the bloody hell is the home stretch?

Ladyverse: It's an American saying for "we're almost finished." It's from baseball.

Crouching Tigerlily: Oh, so it's like the final penalty in a football game?

Ladyverse: You mean soccer?

Crouching Tigerlily: No, I don't. You kick the ball. (Bloody Yanks…)

Yeah, so, just a warning guys, there's a little bit of smutty language in this. So…suck it up.

* * *

Chapter 23: The Big Conversation Chapter Part II

Harry blinked and opened his eyes, squinting at the bright sunlight streaming through the window. He yawned and stretched, looking with fascination at the dark hair on his arms. He sat up, lurching forward with much less effort than it usually took to lift his chest.

"Can it be?" Harry said, in a deep, masculine voice. "I feel fifty pounds lighter."

Ron, who had been sitting on the end of his friend's bed, lifted up one of Harry's old bras and looked at it in amusement. "Yeah…from the looks of this you probably _are_ fifty pounds lighter."

"Very funny." Harry squinted at Ron, who looked embarrassed but suddenly hurdled into Harry's arms. "Welcome back, mate!"

"Oof," said Harry in surprise. "Ron, you're kind of crushing me."

"Now you know how it felt every time you hugged someone when you were a girl."

"This is so cool…I can see past your chest," said Harry, who was approximately eye-level with Ron's shoulders. "Wait, let me look in the mirror."

Harry jumped out of bed towards the mirror on the wall, fondling his five-o-clock shadow lovingly. "Lookin' good, stranger," the mirror said.

"Oh Ron, my cleft is back!! Look!!" said Harry excitedly, pointing at his chin. "Wow, I need a shave. And my eyebrows really need to be waxed – wait a moment." Harry caught himself. "I'm sorry. I hope that wears off very soon."

Ron grinned. "Harry, I have just one question," he said seriously. "Are you…all there?" he said, raising his eyebrows and motioning towards his trousers.

"Oh!" said Harry, reaching for his package. "Yep," he said proudly. "All seven inches."

Ron smirked. "In your dreams, Harry."

"Okay, six and a half."

"Really?"

"Alright, six then!"

"That's better. Now get dressed so we can go downstairs and shock everybody for the second time this year."

"Hallelujah," said Harry, who was pulling on some old jeans. "My jeans fit!!"

"That's nice, Harry. Now hurry up and put a shirt over that big, burly man-chest of yours."

* * *

Harry took a deep breath and hesitantly opened the door of the Great Hall, where the atmosphere was buzzing as people were still celebrating his triumph yesterday. He walked in and experienced the collective gasp of every single student in the room.

Dean whistled, and Seamus smirked. "He's back…"

Harry grinned shyly as Hermione came up to him and threw her arms around his shoulders. He tried to ignore it as he heard Neville say, "Why is it weird that he's a boy again?"

He laughed and sat down, helping himself to a sausage. The chatter gradually increased until the Hall was once again buzzing with conversation. At that moment, Harry caught the eye of someone he hadn't even given a thought to since he'd woken up. He looked over to the Slytherin table and saw the ashen face of his ex…boyfriend? _So strange,_ he thought, briefly, but didn't look away. Draco gave him a slight smile and then returned to what looked like a very forced conversation with a concerned-looking Blaise.

And at this moment, Harry's heart decided to give a particularly painful thump.

"Ow," he said, rubbing his manly pectorals slightly.

"What's wrong Harry?" Hermione looked worried, and her gaze strayed over to the Slytherin table.

"Um…nothing, I probably just over-did it on the pork front. Er, would you…excuse me, please?" He leapt up and walked out of the Great Hall, extremely perplexed by the persistent pang in his chest. After all, he was a guy now – shouldn't he have gone back to liking Cho Chang or something? Anyone with tits? This was weird. He was certain that he was straight before the transformation, and he was equally certain that Draco was straight. _Judging by the way he felt about my tits, how could he be anything but?_

"Hey Harry!" came a voice from around the corner. Ron had followed him out of the Hall and into a deserted staircase. "What's up?"

"Ron, I really don't know if I can talk to you about this."

Ron looked slightly hurt. "Harry, I stood by you when Voldemort's tried to kill you a grand total of…" he counted on his fingers – "six times, I stood by you when you turned into a girl, I stood by you when you dated Draco Malfoy, and I am by you right now, when you've turned back into a boy. Do you really think there's anything you can't talk to me about?"

Harry smiled. "I suppose you're right," he said, and sat down at the top of the stairs with Ron. "I just really don't know what's going on with me. I thought I was straight before all this happened."

"Do you still like Draco?"

"I don't know. And even if I do, I used to be a girl, so what does that make me? I have no fucking clue!!!"

"I think that qualifies you for the category of…confused," said Ron wisely. "Or, if there is such a thing, a reverse unwilling-transsexual."

"Okay, so even if I do like him," said Harry, determined to solve the puzzle, "What does that make Draco? What's to say he still likes me? He was never even interested before I had tits, what if he really is straight? He has to be."

"But Harry, he didn't like you for your tits," said Ron.

"Look, Ron, what if Hermione turned into a boy today?"

"Well, that's not likely to happen, Harry."

"Yeah? Well, me turning into a girl and falling in love with Draco Malfoy, that was SO not going to happen, Ron," said Harry.

Ron's eyebrows disappeared into his hair. "In love, Harry?"

"Yes, Ron," said Harry with resignation. "I am. Or I was. I don't know anymore."

"And did he love you, too?"

"That's what he said…when I had tits."

"Don't forget the vagina."

"Ron. So inappropriate."

"I'm just saying…"

There was a long, rather awkward silence.

"Look, Harry," said Ron, "The bottom line is, if he loves you and you love him, then categories like gay or straight don't matter."

"Yeah, you'd think that, wouldn't you?" said Harry darkly. "Just wait until your girlfriend grows a penis."

* * *

Draco sat at the Slytherin table, morosely munching on his breakfast, and watched Harry leave the Great Hall. He pushed away his plate and turned to talk to Blaise.

"Blaise, I don't think I can do this."

Blaise, who was trying very hard not to giggle and think of Sean as he devoured an enormous sausage, turned to towards his friend. "Do what?"

"_This._ This! I can't…do this," he finished, lamely.

"I LOVE when you get specific like that Draco."

"Blaise, just for one moment…_one moment_, can we be serious?"

Blaise looked uncomfortable. "I'm joking around because I don't know what to say."

"Super. Great help you are."

"Look, no one said that dating Potter was going to be simple, or easy."

"Well I know that, but if you recall, I wasn't exactly _expecting_ to go out with him."

"I'm not saying you were, but when you did, you should have expected _this_. It must be hard for you, I'm sure. I bet you're looking at him and missing the long hair and the big tits and—"

"That's the problem Blaise…I'm not. I just miss Harry."

Blaise chuckled into his tea. "What's the problem then? If you still like him, run after him."

"But he's a boy again! He's probably straight…And I still love him, but can I be attracted to him now?"

"Woah! Backtrack for a second there! You still _what?_"

"I still love…oh. Yeah, I hadn't exactly told you that."

"No, you hadn't exactly. Good lord, Draco! You're telling me that you're going to let the man you love go because of something as small as a penis?"

"Well hopefully not THAT small," Draco said, jokingly.

"There you go! That sounds like a gay man to me! Go, get your man…Say, isn't it nice not to have to worry about the pronoun anymore?"

"I suppose that is one upside, yes."

"Right. But seriously, I've always thought you were a bit poofy anyway—"

"Oh gee, thanks Blaise."

"Shut up and listen for a moment you big queer. Has it ever occurred to you that you only started to like Harry when he turned into a girl because, subconsciously, you knew that that was the only acceptable situation in which you could like him?"

"Well…I don't know about—"

At this moment, Pansy Parkinson interrupted. "Oh shut up and go get him, you bender."

Draco sighed. "You're not going to stop calling me gay names, are you?"

Blaise shrugged. "Sorry Queeny."

"Wanker."

"No thanks, I have someone to do that for me."

"Will you get your mind back out from the gutter?"

"When was it ever _not_ in the gutter?"

Draco puzzled. "I'm pretty sure that there was one day in first year."

"Oh yeah, that." Blaise frowned, "I was sick, though!"

* * *

Harry sat alone on the staircase, thinking hard. (Ron had gone to finish his breakfast.) He was startled out of his thoughts when the Prince of Darkness sat down next to him – looking slightly less Dark and menacing, and a bit more confuzzled. Neither spoke for a while, until Draco broke the silence.

"I don't have to go back to calling you Potter, do I?" he said, with the ghost of a smile.

"No, I guess not," said Harry. "So…how's your father? He didn't get arrested, did he?"

"No, I think Snape and Dumbledore are sorting it out," said Draco absently. "Listen, Harry…" Draco said hesitantly. "What exactly _are_ we?"

Harry was startled – he had not expected such a direct question. "How do you mean?" he said, stalling for time.

"I mean, are we acquaintances, are we friends, are we…more than that?" Draco clarified. His usually pale complexion was now flushed with a very pretty shade of pink. "I mean, I assume it's safe to say we're not mortal enemies anymore, right?" he added quickly.

"No, no more jinxes in the hallways," said Harry. "But really – how do you feel about this? What do you _want_ us to be?"

Draco was not used to Harry being so assertive. "Well," Draco said, "I _thought_ I was straight until this morning. But now I don't know."

"I know the feeling," said Harry grimly. "Alright, I can't stand this. Let's stop beating around the bush, Draco. Would you miss my tits?"

"What?"

"Because if this does happen, I'm not going to be the simpering, submissive girly girl. I am a guy now. Things have changed."

"What about the way you said you felt about me yesterday? Has that changed?" said Draco.

Harry looked squarely into Draco's expectant eyes, and said, "Feelings don't just _change_, Draco."

"Oh. Wow."

"And what about you?" Harry asked. "Have your feelings changed?"

Draco seemed unable to meet Harry's eyes. "I don't think so," he said.

"Well then," said Harry. "That's that."

There was an awkward silence, until Harry roughly grabbed Draco's face with both of his hands and pulled him into a kiss. A heated kiss. A kiss different from any other they had shared. Draco was very shocked, not only at Harry's aggression, but at how strange it was that his stubble wasn't at all unpleasant, as he had thought it would be. There was an odd sort of struggle for power in the kiss, as both of them tried to hold each other by the waist and both tried to take control. Draco was more than a little alarmed when Harry pulled him onto his lap and wrapped a very strong pair of arms around him. He couldn't help it, he broke away.

"At what point did I become the girl in this whole scenario?"

"About the point I became the man."

Draco shrugged. "Wow, I kind of like that." Then he dived into another kiss, this time wrapping his arms around his…boyfriend's? Yes, boyfriend's neck. He allowed himself, for the first time, to submit to the boy who lived.

And he liked it.

At this point, Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan walked out of the Hall. Seamus laughed joyfully, and the couple broke apart.

"Okay," said Seamus, "It was cute and all when you were a girl Harry, but now it's just feckin' hot!"

Dean tried to look angry but he appeared to be holding back laughter as he nodded a greeting to the two boys. Then, his brow furrowed. "Is everyone in this school gay?" he said, confused.

Ron and Hermione, who had been spying from behind a statue, leapt out.

"I think you'll find we're both very heterosexual," said Ron.

Seamus winked. "Don't worry Ron, we'll get you eventually."

Hermione grabbed onto his arm. "Hands off, he's mine."

* * *

After they had escaped from the clutches of Harry's friends, Harry dragged Draco to the nearest place he could think of to be alone; the room of requirement. After pacing back and forth a few times a doorway appeared, and he pulled Draco inside, roughly slamming the door and pushing him against it, pinning his lips onto Draco's.

Draco gasped. "Wow, Harry…You really are moving fast."

Harry broke away and looked at Draco, bemused. "Seriously, when _did_ you become such a woman?"

Draco ducked out from under Harry's arms. "I am not! I'm just surprised, that's all."

"I did warn you, no more simpering little girl."

"Well…it's kind of nice. I won't have to beg you to sleep with me anymore."

Harry smiled. "Hmmm, maybe it's time _you_ slept with _me_."

Draco blanched. Just a little. "You mean…"

Harry walked over and took Draco by the waist, whispering in his ear. "Well, _you _got to be on top all that time…I think it's my turn."

Draco laughed nervously. "Wow, when testosterone makes a comeback it really makes a _comeback_, doesn't it?"

Harry nodded, a rather lecherous look on his face. "So…what do you think?"

Draco tugged at his collar. He was nervous, startled, and, just a teensy bit turned on. He was unsure of what to say until he felt Harry trailing kisses down his neck. "Harry…I think we should-ohgod…Lock the door before we-e-sweet Merlin's…"

Harry nodded, and kissed the tip of Draco's nose. "Good idea." He walked to the door and locked it. Then he turned to Draco. "So…what _do_ you think?"

Draco sat down on the conveniently placed bed.

"Well," he said. "I'll try anything once."

Harry smiled, then tackled Draco.

They didn't come out of the room of requirement until well after nightfall.

* * *

"That, my friend, is the largest love-bite I have ever seen," Blaise said, conversationally.

Draco simply smirked and continued inspecting Harry's handiwork in the mirror. Blaise put his head on Draco's shoulder.

"So," he said, "He's really not a girl anymore, hmm?"

"Not in the slightest."

"I see," Blaise said, "And how is it being on bottom?"

Draco whirled around. "Blaise!" he admonished, "How…did you know?"

Blaise chuckled. "I've been actively out of the closet for a very long time. I can tell."

Draco cleared his throat. "Ah," he said.

"Quite. So how was it?"

Draco shrugged in forced nonchalance. "It was…different."

Blaise laughed. "Well I expected that! Good different? Bad different?"

Draco smiled. "Different different."

"You're not going to make this easy, are you?"

"Nope. You'll just have to suffer." Draco sat down on his bed.

"So…let me take a guess and say that he rocked your world. Am I right?"

"Is Sean's Biggerstaff really the Bigger Staff?"

"Why, yes."

"Why, then I think you're right."

Blaise giggled. "You little minx, you." His eyes watered. "I'm so proud."

Draco raised one eyebrow. "Why?"

"You're going to make a wonderful fairy."

* * *

Harry tried in vain to sleuthfully sneak back into his common room, but to no avail. He was intercepted by Seamus, who had been cuddling with Dean in an armchair by the fire.

"So…" said the Irishman, with a smugness that Harry thought should be fined.

"What do you want, you perv?" said Harry.

"You are in very late, my friend."

"Yes."

"You were nowhere to be found."

"Yes."

"The Room of Requirement door was locked all day."

"Oh was it now?"

Seamus seemed to be getting a bit impatient. "Draco Malfoy has a love-bite the size of the Giant Squid on his neck."

"Does he really?" said Harry, fully aware that he was winding Seamus up.

Seamus tried to keep up his smug, cool façade, but could not contain his curiosity. "Well WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WERE YOU DOING?! I want to know, dammit…"

Dean simply grinned.

"Gentlemen don't kiss and tell," said Harry with satisfaction.

"Yes, but I doubt you stopped at kissing, Harry," remarked Dean with an uncharacteristically lecherous grin.

"Okay, okay," said Seamus frantically, "You don't have to give details, I just want to know one thing…top or bottom? Top, right? I always figured you for a – "

"Seamus, stop bothering the poor boy!" said Dean.

"Well," said Harry to Seamus, "I can tell I will never hear the end of it if I don't say something, so let's just say I made up for lost time."

"I knew it," said Seamus triumphantly.

"Now, if you will excuse me gentlemen, I am quite exhausted. I am going up to bed," said Harry. With that, he grinned jovially, stretched, and walked up the stairs to the boy's dorm.

"I knew it," Seamus said to Dean.

"I know you did, dear."

"So who do you feel like being tonight, Harry or Draco?"

Dean narrowed his eyes. "You know I'm always Harry."

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Hang in there, there's only one more chapter left!! It's been a great experience writing this fic and having so much support. We will probably get the last chapter up within the next two weeks. We have some future fics planned as well. 


	24. All's Well that Ends Well

**Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution**

**Disclaimer:** We're fresh out of witty disclaimers. Sorry!!! You'll just have to accept the fact that we don't own anything.

**Author's Notes:** So this is it, you guys. Sorry it took so long – we've got to stop making promises our schedule won't let us keep. We hope the ending satisfies everyone. ::tear:: We can't believe it's over!!!!! By the by, this chapter is rated R for some sexual language.

* * *

Chapter 24: All's Well that Ends Well

Harry looked around. He couldn't believe that this extremely eventful year at Hogwarts was already coming to an end. He smiled as he felt Draco squeeze his hand and turned to him. They had certainly shaken things up for the school. The house tables were practically irrelevant, as everyone just sat wherever they liked, and since Harry and Draco had started dating, several other inter-house couples had cropped up. Harry had to admit, he still found it disturbing when he saw Millicent Bulstrode tickling Neville under the chin, and he still had to hold back his bile when he remembered the time he had caught Justin Finch-Fletchley and Pansy Parkinson in a rather compromising position behind one of the gargoyles. Still, it was nice that the petty inter-house rivalry was finally calming down a little. Of course, Quidditch matches were still as competitive as ever, more so now that Harry and Draco were together. They would slug it out on the pitch and then have wild victory/defeat sex afterwards. Yes, all was right and good in the world.

The end of year feast this year was, all in all, quite different from any other feast they had ever had at Hogwarts. The hall fell silent as Dumbledore stood up, and everyone wondered what on earth he could say to sum up this year.

"This year," Dumbledore began, with his trademark knowing smile and a twinkle in his eye, "was a year of great change."

Harry sighed deeply.

"Some of our students have broadened their minds by living in another's shoes." He glanced bemusedly at the Gryffindor table, where Harry was staring determinedly at his toad-in-the-hole. "These changes have affected all of us, in one way or another. The most obvious example is the long-awaited defeat of Voldemort, by way of kick in the testicles." He raised his glass with a wry grin. "Well done, Harry." There was an undertone of giggling as the Headmaster continued.

"The changes that occurred this year have also affected the Hogwarts community in more subtle, but nonetheless significant ways. Thanks to a few brave students who dared to ignore the status quo, our student community is now more unified than it ever was. New relationships have formed, and both students and faculty have moved forward in their pursuit of knowledge. In that same vein, I would like to congratulate our own Professor Snape for his successful discovery of the antidote to –" He looked around the table, but Severus was nowhere to be seen. "- by the way, where is Snape?" Dumbledore inquired, with the shadow of a smile.

There was an audible thud as Draco's head collapsed onto the table. Harry stroked his hair consolingly.

"In any case, I have never seen the school so unified in all my time here. In times of change as well as in times of darkness and fear, we must stand together if we wish to move forward." He took a moment to glance around the hall, lingering on Snape's empty seat at the staff table and Draco's empty seat next to his Slytherin comrades, and then said in a jovial tone, "Who would have thought that one little sex-change potion could affect so many?"

All eyes turned to the headmaster in shock – no one had expected him to be that direct.

"Well, tuck in, everyone!!!" said Dumbledore cheerfully, and sat down to his food. There was scattered applause and laughter as everyone obeyed. Harry, glad that the humiliation was over, attacked his toad-in-the-hole with a vengeance. Draco watched him with a grin.

"You know, Harry, when you were a girl you used to be so much more dainty," he said.

"Shut up, you fucking aristocrat," said Harry through a mouthful of food. Draco merely smiled knowingly and sipped his coffee, pinky out.

"So can you stay at the Burrow for a while this summer?" Ron asked Hermione.

"When we were friends, it wasn't a problem. Whether my parents will let me stay at my boyfriend's house unsupervised is an entirely different matter."

"Do you really think my mother will let us in the same room alone for more then two seconds?"

"You're _really_ making me want to stay, Ron."

Ron sighed. "What about you, Harry?"

Draco spoke before Harry could. "Harry's staying with _me,_ Weasley."

Ron simply said, "Well you can stay too."

"Wow," said Draco with raised eyebrows, "Things really have changed this year."

Harry looked up from his food, which was now begging for mercy. "You know, I don't recall agreeing to stay with anyone."

Draco patted his boyfriend's head patronizingly. "Shush, you. You don't have a choice."

* * *

As the Hogwarts Express pulled out of the Hogsmeade station, Harry and Draco headed for the same compartment as Ron, Hermione, Seamus and Dean. As the six of them searched for an empty compartment, Draco caught sight of a closed door.

"I'll check this one, you guys," he said, and opened the door. For reasons unknown to the others, Draco's jaw dropped and his face turned white. He proceeded to yell in anguished, angry tones, "Dad!!! You're a fucking billionaire!!! You can't afford a BLOODY HOTEL ROOM?"

He slammed the door and turned to his shocked friends. "This one's taken," he said calmly.

As they walked down the hall, Harry took Draco's hand. "This can't be good for your mental health."

Once they found a mercifully empty compartment, they settled in for the trip. "Where's Neville?" Dean asked.

"I think he's riding with Millicent," Draco replied. There was a collective shudder.

"Listen, Harry," Seamus asked with a grin, "There's something I've always wanted to ask you. What's better – sex as a boy or sex as a girl?"

Everyone in the compartment leaned forward perceptively to hear Harry's answer. After several moments of contemplation, Harry said, "Well, it's easier to have an orgasm if you're a guy. As a girl, it takes longer, but when it finally happens, it's a hell of a lot better. But the problem is, when you're a girl, the guy doesn't always deliver. Draco, for example, couldn't always – "

"What are you talking about?" said Draco indignantly. "I rocked your world and you know it!!!!"

"Of course you did, dear," said Harry, patting Draco's cheek.

"It's a shame Draco didn't knock you up, Harry," Dean said jokingly. "Then you could have answered the age-old 'what's more painful, labor or a kick in the balls?' question."

"Don't even get me started on that, Dean," said Hermione.

"Ew, that would be a little disturbing," said Harry with a shudder. "Besides, what if I changed back after I got pregnant?"

"Well, then I think we'd have some twisted 13-year-old girl's fantasy on our hands, then," said Draco.

* * *

Harry and Draco collected their luggage as the train neared King's Cross station. Everyone had begun to say their goodbyes, as they would meet their families on the platform. They turned to find the hulking figure of Vincent Crabbe, looking uncharacteristically pensive.

"Crabbe, have you been reading again?" said Draco with concern.

"No," said Crabbe defensively. "I…um, I have a…confection to make."

"Do you mean confession, Crabbe?" said Draco patiently.

"Yeah, that."

"Well, what is it?"

"Listen, Harry…it was me who put the sex change potion in your drink during the Welcoming Feast. My dad told me to."

"WHAT?" Harry said, utterly lost for words.

"Wait a minute," said Draco, looking perplexed. "It was YOU? First off, why didn't you TELL me? Secondly, how in the world did YOU outsmart HIM?" He pointed toward Harry, whose confusion was being replaced by his legendary anger.

"I'm sorry!!" squeaked Crabbe, whose voice now resembled girlHarry's. He turned and ran to the other side of the train.

"Well, you can't be too mad, Harry," said Draco wisely, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. "If he hadn't done it, we wouldn't be together."

"I suppose not," said Harry with a sigh. "But still, you try having that much back pain and then talk to me about who's angry."

* * *

After disembarking, Harry and Draco wandered over to Blaise, who looked vaguely disturbed and appeared to be waiting for someone.

"Draco!" Blaise snapped. "I had to spend an 8-hour train ride in the same compartment with Longbottom and Millicent."

"I'm…so sorry, Blaise," said Draco sympathetically.

"You should be," said Blaise resentfully. "At least Sean is meeting me here. I haven't seen him since Easter break."

"We get to meet Sean?" said Harry excitedly.

"This should be interesting," said Draco.

The conversation abruptly ended, however, when Blaise suddenly squealed with delight and threw himself into the arms of a tall, dashing Scotsman.

"Sean, I missed you I missed you I missed you!!!!" said Blaise, planting kisses all over his boyfriend's face. Sean smiled and kissed him, silencing the squeals for a few moments.

"Hey Blaise," said Draco snarkily, "Are you gonna introduce us to your man-toy?"

"Oh right! Sean, this is Draco…"

"I've heard a lot about you," Sean said, shaking Draco's hand. "In fact, for a while I was worried you would steal Blaise away from me, but I really don't think you're his type."

Draco looked offended. "Why am I not your type – why am I not his type?"

"Well," said Sean jokingly, "You can't have two bottoms in one relationship."

Draco's eyes widened as he looked at Blaise. "Why you LITTLE – "

"And this is his boyfriend, Harry!" said Blaise, watching Draco nervously as Harry and Sean shook hands.

"What makes you think that I'm a bottom?!" said Draco furiously.

Harry quickly wrapped an arm around Draco and began to steer him away. "Okay, Sean – great to meet you; Blaise – have fun, bye."

"But Harry – "

"Draco, let it go. Oh look, there's your parents."

Lucius looked uncomfortable and Narcissa was on the arm of a tall, very masculine-looking Venezuelan man.

"Um…mother, who is this?" said Draco, sensing disaster.

"Oh, this is Pedro, dear."

"Our pool boy?" said Draco in shock.

"Draco," said Lucius, "I will explain everything to you when we get home."

Draco simply stared at his parents as Pedro turned to Lucius and said, "Gracias para tu esposa, Señor Malfoy. She is, how do you say…muy caliente en la cama." Narcissa beamed at him and kissed him on the nose.

"Darling," said Lucius in a dangerous voice, "What does _cama_ mean?"

Narcissa simply giggled. "Lucius dear, just give me the houses in the Bahamas and I'll be happy."

"But I love the Bahamas!" Lucius whined.

"Now now dear, you've still got the ones in Cancun and Portugal. You can Severus can go there."

Pedro raised one eyebrow. "Lesbiano?"

"Si, Pedro, si. Now come along."

Draco looked at his father in shock as Narcissa and Pedro the Pool Boy walked away. Finally he said, "When did Mum learn Spanish?"

"Probably around the time she started spending every day sunbathing."

"I thought she just wanted a tan."

"So did I, Draco, so did I."

Harry had watched the whole exchange and finally came to the conclusion that nothing in the whole wide world could surprise him anymore. He turned to Draco and hugged him tightly.

"I'll miss you," said Draco, absently smelling Harry's hair.

"I should really just tell you the name of my shampoo, Draco," Harry said affectionately.

"I'll write you about staying over the summer," Draco said as they broke apart.

"Wait just one minute Draco," said Lucius indignantly. "You can't just invite people over, you have to ask my permission first – it's my house you know, what if there isn't room?"

"Dad, our house has about five wings, I doubt we would bother you. Can he stay?"

"Of course not, you'll be having sex all the time!"

Draco crossed his arms and looked at his father with a single raised eyebrow.

"Well, fine, he can stay," said Lucius, "But not for the whole summer."

"Oh don't worry," said Harry with a wicked grin. "He'll be staying for part of the summer with me, at the Weasley's."

"You're staying WHERE?"

"We'll talk on the way home, Dad," said Draco. With that, he turned away, as Harry's aunt and uncle had just arrived on the platform.

"Draco, do you want to piss off some Muggles?" said Harry as they walked towards Uncle Vernon.

"Do you even have to ask?" said Draco.

"Have you got your things, then?" said Uncle Vernon shortly as Harry approached the Dursleys, all of whom looked intensely uncomfortable.

"Yeah. Just one more thing – " With that, Harry turned to Draco and kissed him possessively, twining his fingers through Draco's hair.

"Bye," said Draco softly, squeezing his hand.

"Write me," Harry said. He turned to the Dursleys, who looked as if a single feather might knock them all over. "Oh – you haven't met my boyfriend, Draco. Draco, this is my aunt and uncle, and my cousin Dudley."

"How do you do?" said Draco cheerfully. Uncle Vernon grunted.

"I promise my dad will let you stay, Harry," Draco said. "I'll write you soon." The boys hugged and Draco walked back toward his father.

"So," said Harry brightly, "Shall we go?"

"Since when are you queer?" said Dudley.

"Since when can you string a sentence together?" said Harry without the slightest change of expression.

"You stay away from Dudley!" said Aunt Petunia.

"I promise you, that won't be hard," said Harry, rolling his eyes.

And so, the Boy Who Lived (who had been the Girl Who Lived, then turned back into the Boy Who Lived) smiled and walked out of the station. Who'd have thought that being a girl could solve all his problems?

It was such an obvious solution.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! This is depressing!!

It's been a wild ride. This fic began more than two years ago. We are so grateful for all the support we've had from reviewers – you helped us keep going. (One last disclaimer – we don't want to get sued by Sean Biggerstaff, so just know that this is in no way a comment on his personality or sexuality, it just suits the purposes of this fic). By the way, for those of you who don't speak Spanish, Pedro is saying 'Thank you for your wife, Mr. Malfoy, she is, how do you say? Very hot in bed." And 'lesbiano' means gay. We think. At least, that's what our Spanish teacher said.

Please don't abandon us now that this fic is over – we are mulling over a companion one-shot to this fic, about what transpires when Ron tells his parents about Draco and Harry. We also have some longer fics planned. Please put us on your Author Alert list!!!!!


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